The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Greetings, I am new to this board and kinda-sorta new to al anon. I have been attending face to face meetings about 2 times a week and am grateful to find these forums. In a nutshell, on 5/2/08 ABF told me he was having and affair. Shortly afterward he was diagnosed w/A and then started therapy and joined AA. New GF has OCD just like he does and is a sex addict. Over the past 5 months his psychologist, a psychiatrist, former sponsor and his buddies have told him to not to see the new GF as she will only undermine his recovery. He has not heeded their advice but has chosen to live a life of chaos. My life became a soap opera as a result and w/the guidance of my HP I moved out and forward but am not quite sure if I should cut my losses and move on (we were together for 21 years). On his side of the street he insists that he wants to have a relationship with the both of us despite the fact that they now have an exclusive relationship. He says he's confused and is searching for clarity. Despite having relatively little contact with him the drama and chaos w/ the new GF continues.
Meanwhile on my side of the street I have been going to meetings, therapy, talking with my wonderful friends and my HP and I have come to believe that my self care and recovery is essential to lead a healthy life whether I am with him or not. My therapist even warned that seeing too much of him is harmful and of course she was right. Usually after seeing him I'd be happy for a little while then I would become angry regarding the new GF and depressed over the loss of my relationship. I prayed to my HP to give the strength to tell ABF I need a time out and with his guidance have successfully managed to do so (about 2 weeks ago). I essentially told BF that until he is "unconfused' I don't want to have contact with him. I need a time out from the deception and chaos and that my recovery is a priority right now. At first he thought I was abandoning and was afraid I didn't want to be a part of his life. I told him he doesn't get to decide whether I choose to stay in his life or not that it is my choice. I assured him that it is only temporary that in time I will be healthy again to have him as a part of my life even if it is on a very limited basis. He accepted this better than I thought he would and he agreed to contact me only regarding our dogs or the house we mutually own. He does want me to contact him but I am really reluctant to do so in fear of his wanting to talk things out or get angry at me. Except for a doggie emergency I have not seen or heard from him. There is a small part of me that wants to call but I keep thinking of the slogan "when in doubt don't." I've come to realize that I had a part in the demise of our relationship and that there are issues I need work on and I need time w/out his interference, I'm afraid he'll want to do my inventory for me! Also, I am not responsible for helping him work out his problems like I used to do and I absolutely refuse to help him end it with the new GF. Despite my newfound courage I am worried that I am being manipulative and controlling and that I should cut him some slack, but OTOH, for 5 months I've met him half-way and it didn't work. Any advise is gratefully appreciated. Thanks
__________________
Curlee
Just for today I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts.
My ESH is that the more you focus on yourself (meaning NOT HIM) the better off you will be. Wrap him up in a blanket and send him off to HP plain and simple. Do not call. Let HP call him. Do not get in touch, HP will get in touch. Do not try to reach out, HP will. HP is waaaaay better than you are for him, HP is waaaaaay better than any human or other girlfriend, anyone at all for him. Let go and let god and don't call him. Just send him love in your thoughts and through your mind and heart. Focus on you and your own recovery. Attend meetings, read literature, get into service work. Focus on your career or school. Go to the gym. Take a class. Invest in yourself. Hugs, J.
When u believe that u deserve to be treated with respect * fidelity * it will happen until then he will continue to have his cake and eat it too. I would ask why u would risk your mental and physical well being to hang on to someone who obviously has no respect for himself or you , oh yeah and the other woman.????? keep looking after you . Louise
The first thing I learned in this Program is that I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it and that I am powerless over people, places and things other than MYSELF.
It is not my job to rescue by A from the messes he makes--that is the enabling part. When I do that, I am really just making myself feel better because if he needs me, he must love me right?? Nope. I came to realize that that was the manipulating behavior that I was engaging in--I may have told myself that it was just to "save him" but I was really just making sure he was tied to me (since on some level I believed that he wouldn't stay just for me)...that way I didn't have to worry about him leaving. But, he left anyway because no one person is enough to fill the void of an active A. It took me a long time to figure that one out!!
Today, I try to live in reality and reality is that I don't want the A unless it is REAL. Unfortunately (or fortunately), living in reality requires sobriety on his part and healthy body/mind/spirit for both of us.
So, if I were in your situation (and all of our stories share commonalities--in my case, abuse, infidelity, the gamut), I would ask myself:
What is best for ME?
What do I want for ME?
Do I want to live in chaos and drama?
Do I want to live in serenity?
Do I want to continue to get healthy?
Do I want to surround myself with winners and continue to grow?
Or,
Do I want to stay in the insanity?
Do I want to be with someone who make me feels like sh** about myself?
Do I want to want to go back to basing my self-esteem on the fleeting affections of an A?
Do I want to be simply a means to an end?
Nope.
Keep coming back and remember to take it one day at a time. It gets better and there is hope. I really have to work hard to stay in the moment though and I try to remember what I heard somewhere--when we feel the most uncomfortable is when the healing and the growth is taking place. The challenge is to stay in the middle of it until the miracle happens!!
Yours in recovery,
SLS
__________________
Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I can empathise a lot. I had/shared dogs with my exBF. He managed to live in chaos no matter what. Nevertheless it was pretty hard to cut off from him for a long long time. He did not, as far as I know, go out with anyone else but he certainly had friends, family and lets face it drugs which took total priority in his life.
I certainly felt lost without him for a long long time. Now I'm one year plus later and I do not have him in my life.
Learning how to detach was so key for me. If you can de-tach you can stop being so concerned with his opinion of you. I was also pretty invested in his friends, family and associates. I no longer am. I turned all his recovery (as far as I know he has none) over to HP.
You are in the right place. Personally I would not say anything about "health" to an A. They are pretty good at making it that you are the one who is "sick". My ex A did. When I went to counselling he felt the problem was solved!
Thank you all very much for your wisdom and advice. As much as I am grieving at least I know my life is not chaotic as it once was. After not communicating w/ex BF I can see what a truly unhealthy perspective he has and there is no room in my life for it. He will only detract from the progress I want to make. I'm glad I found these forums rather than calling him.
__________________
Curlee
Just for today I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts.
If you answered, "I am not sure," to any of SLS's questions, you need to work on yourself, and in my opinion that work cannot be done with ABF in the picture.
I would like to see the day when you can say to yourself, "I am so much happier without the chaos he brought to my life." That can happen if you concentrate on lifting yourself up out of the feelings in which you are mired.
Best wishes,
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
