The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a bad habit--and I could use a little help. On my facebook account, I have two "friends" who are close to my ex ABF. Every now and then, I cannot help but check their pages or comments (which pop up under my account). This is how I "check up" on the A. Mind you, his friends are all A, too, though I am sure that is not a surprise.
I learned this week that he has been working with both bands that he is in. He told me weeks ago that he was done with that. Why am I surprised??? I don't know.
So I couldn't resist it--I sent him another email. It has been two weeks since our last email contact. He wanted to call me, and I told him not to (in the last email) and he respected that.
Here's what I sent:
I am having a hard time. I don't know how we have gotten this far apart from one another when we were so close. We still own a house together--we still have bills to pay. I feel like you have left and forgotten your good life for something else.
Maybe you are happier now, and if you are, then tell me. Maybe you are trying to forget me and what an amazing future and life you COULD have. I wonder how you are doing and if you are making any progress. I wonder how many people you still see and still laugh with, know how much I care and how much I miss you. It's not fair.
Also, I have not told my parents the truth about why we broke up, but they are coming over today and I plan to tell them. They are going to be shocked. They are also going to be worried for me, which is why I didn't tell them originally. (Mind you I am 34!)
My sponsor might ask me, "what was your real motivation for sending the email?"
If you are looking for real, honest emotions from an active A (or an A in early sobriety, or a "dry" A) you will more than likely be dissapointed.
If any of those apply and you are looking for closure, it is unlikely that you will ever get it from the A. Alternatively, if you are looking for him to have an epiphany, realize what he has lost and come back to you "hat in hand," suddenly emotionally available and ready to have a healthy, mature relationship, it is unlikely that you will ever get it from him.
Those things "might" be possible with sobriety and hard work in recovery, but that is all about the A and you can't make that happen.
All you have is what is now. Reality. So, given what is real, what were your expectations??
I have been working on this for 3 1/2 years and it is hard stuff. I want my sober AH to fall to one knee and pledge his undying love for me and be the husband that I always thought he could be. He can't. He can only be himself. He is working hard on his recovery, but it is a long, hard process to get healthy (in mind, body and spirit). I not know if he will ever be the husband I fantasized about so I am trying to let go of those expectations and decide if I can live with reality, which is pretty great (especially when compared with how horrible it was).
Al-Anon helps us to live in reality and not in denial and that is what I try to do "one day at a time." I have found that I am much happier when I am able to do that and I am able to accept those things in others that I cannot change--I am powerless over people, places and things.
If you feel that you need to explain your decision to your family, that might be a good jumping off point. My family was simply grateful that I was trying to get healthy and that I had realized that my marriage, as it was, was extremely unhealthy for me. Stay strong, and remember that recovery is about you. You have to stay true to yourself and not worry about disappointing or shocking your family. If they have no idea what has been going on, they really don't have the information necessary to be able to form an opinion about it. Regardless, and I say this with all the love of the Program, it is none of their business. It is your life and you are not obligated to explain it to anyone except your AH.
Hang in there and keep coming back,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I was told and taught that I had to separate myself from everything alcoholic if I wanted to survive mind, body, spirit and emotions. That didn't come easy and I suffered the consequences of being a slow learner one being that I use to get down on myself for slipping from the suggestions that would work. No one in program judged me and just shared how it went for me. Changing isn't just thinking and then doing. It takes time, practice and more practice until I've reached better consequences. I had to be taught that I was addicted to my alcoholic wife as she was addicted to alcohol. I had a lot of time, effort and money invested in that relaltionship and "just not doing" was not rational. It takes about 90 days of doing something different (not just not doing the usual) to get just a bit of change.
I did the same thing you did in a different way. There were no cell phones or text messaging (I don't think) back then so I use to "haunt" the places I knew she would be such as her work and where we used to live. That is how I got my fix and I did this even when I didn't want to have contact with her. The consequences? I got slimmer cause I took up jogging the 4 miles each way pass the apartment and I wrecked a young mans 65 Mustang (nice car) when I jammed on my brakes where she worked thinking I would see her. He plowed into the rear of my van and never knew that he wasn't the cause of it. She wasn't even in sight...I was hallucinating just like an alcoholic or addict. It took work to get away from behaviors that made me act so bizzare.
So work at it some more. Get to the face to face meetings. That is where the real help is if real help is what you want. One of things you are fighting right now is yourself and the compulsion to "use" your drug of choice.
Cell phones have "off" buttons and other tools like "erase" and "edit".
Mentioning that cell phones have a delete button made me share this. I would call my A numerous times a day to "check up." Finally I had to delete his # from my cell phone and email from my computer. I had to make it known that when I said I wasn't going to contact him, I meant it as much as my compulsion wanted me not to... Good idea to delete. It has worked for me.
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People may not remember what you did or what you said but they will remember how you made them feel...
It is like deja vu reading your post! I so remember those early days apart after I split from my recently sober BF. The house was so much more peaceful, but I was not. That is when my real work began. I did a push me pull you thing trying to figure out what boundaries meant to me for 6 months. That was over a year ago now and it is really good to read your words and STILL ask my self, why was I reaching out to him? The answers are deep and confusing. My feelings are still so mixed.
The sayings that help me a lot when trying to stop this reaching out to him when I know I won't get anything in return is "What you think of me is none of my business"....and "An outward reach for an inner peace".
