The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yes, it's come to me, another startling, yet painfully obvious moment of truth: I feel like I have too much responsibility and I can't handle it. Real life stuff like kids, house, car, pets, ect. Insurance and taxes on all of the above. I was thinking about getting pet insurance. I'm not going to, but it might be a good thing sometime. Anyway, the thing is, I feel like it's my responsibilty alone and I have felt that way for a long time. I've felt like, instead of my husband sharing the responsibilty, he has become another responsibilty of mine. Another HUGE responsibilty. Responsibilty is a very big word. Half the time I'm not even sure I'm spelling it right. Who am I to be so responsible? Lets face it, I'm not always the brightest bulb in the chandelier. ANd my whole life is based on a series of brash decisions that I stick to no matter what the consequence because, hey, I made my bed, I will lie in it. Or lay, whatever. I have this constant feeling of stress and impending doom and all of it weighs on my neck and shoulders. I have to remind myself to breathe slowly. And I've felt that way for about 13 years or so. Maybe not the whole time, but off and on. The best way to relieve the feeling is to put myself in some form of delusion where things are just fine and I'm just doing the best I can about everything. I'm scared of making more brash decisions. I have to think, hard about everything, and it's so a crucial, everything is. ANd it all costs money. huge gobs of money. That everybody wants and nobody has.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
First of all, I can totally appreciate and understand all of what you said, leaving me to believe that you are/we are very bright and insightful !!!
I am very newly separated (again) with my Ah. For years I've been feeling as though he is just another "responsibility" for me. I'd do many, many things to "keep him in line" since he couldn't be trusted to do it himself afterall. Did he take his pills? Could he please put fresh water out for the dog, when he puts him out for the ENTIRE summers day? List writing, don't forget, this, this, this, this... Remember to call, this, this, this, this
I too have/had become overwhelmed. Like I have/had the responsibility of having to live his life for him, ontop of my own - which is reactive to the situation, but unhealthy for everyone, just the same.
I have found myself to be very self-conscious of my capabilities and competencies along the way, because of course, even when I try to live his life for him, he still makes many mistakes!!! I also found myself having issues with concentration and memory and focusing and getting along with people. As a former, life of the party sort of girl, with a pleasant and fun outlook on life, I've become very shy, introverted, insecure in social situations. I can also relate to the feelings of constant stress and impending doom.
It was Friday when Ah packed up and left, again. And I feel okay with that right now. I know there are things that I will miss - the good times as they say. But I have faith that there are more good times out there waiting for me. I believe the world is waiting for me to be ME again. That I have a RESPONSIBILITY first and foremost to myself. (I think we all do!) I have one life to live and I cannot afford to waste time away living life the way I have been.
I get all of what you are saying. Sounds very, VERY bright to me!
Okay I must admit I got a reaction from the post and response and part of it was remembering what an "Al-Anon hand shake" is. That one wagging finger pointing outward with the three pointing back at me which I totally disregard.
I learned that I am responsible for checking out how MY life and plans and processes and consequences are and if I am into the thinking that She ought to be doing it MY way than I need an overhaul. The ladies of Al-Anon worked often at teaching this hardheaded man to turn around and go back and restart my life with better more usable values. I learned that I don't have the right to do anything only the ability and It is directing my ability that is my responsibility only. Most people want that from me and get resentful when I start my power and control stuff. I use to not care until I learned that I should give what it is that I also expected. I can make life miserable for anyone who tries to "trip" on me. Today I know that that is exactly how others feel when I try to "trip" on them.
It is amazing that after a 3 week separation from my spouse because she is going to a family function in the mainland I will separate from her even further when she gets in the house and before she unpacks starts to rearrange to her liking that which was been perfectly acceptable for me and the pets while she wasn't here. When she does that I go away for a while. It is demeading (If I want it to be) and disrespectful (again if I am so moved). It is also uncomfortable to be around especially since we are both in a program that teaches acceptance.
The ladies in Al-Anon taught me that when I was attempting to direct and control my alcoholic or anyone else I was not "allowing her/them the dignity of their choices." I have the ability to be so misaligned not the right. It is only my choice based upon my ego, pride and self centeredness that had/has me behave in that manner. "Unconditional acceptance (love)" will relieve me of all of the pressure and pain I earn from trying to have another or every other person exactly the way I want them to be.
As the doctor told his patient when the patient complained about a body ache whenever he turned his head to the left, "Don't turn your head to the left." That's a simple metaphor for "Stop". I know that complusions drive me to doing the same things over and over again hoping for different results and that this is the definition of "insanity" and I also know that I can stop and change anytime I want a different consequence. I can reach out for help and ask for another persons change experience and do that rather than do my own which doesn't work.
Keep coming back. It works when you work it. (((((hugs)))))
I used to feel exactly the same way as you. I came to discover that my " I have to do it all" resentment was truly based on my husband's drinking. Know how I found out? He quit drinking and lives/works in Alaska. Guess who takes care of everything at home. It's still me!! (karma at it's best..lol) But now my perception has changed. I don't resent it. He is sober and is working $4,000 miles away for his family. I'm doing my part here. Nothing has really changed except the drinking...hmmmm He wasn't here when he was drinking (at the bar 7 days a wk.) and he's not here now.
Lightbulb!! That means if he's doing what I think he should do I'm willing to do everything without complaining and resenting. Somehow all those same tasks look different. My reasons for doing them have changed. My stress over doing it has changed. I'm no more capable now then I was then. When it comes down to it, it was the drinking I resented, not the tasks.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
