The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, new here but not new to alcoholism. A little background: my mom is an A (for 14 years)....not sure how she's still alive actually. About 3 years ago we build a MIL suite in our backyard for her. She could no longer take care of herself, and do the necessary things that go along with living on your own. I am her only family. I should have never let her move to our home....I realize that now. But unfortunately I'm stuck with her. She will go for a week or two without drinking (has been active in AA for many years) but then she drinks for a week or two straight. Basically until she is so ill she can't function. This is her pattern for years. While she is drinking I will have nothing to do with her. No dramatic phone calls, she's not allowed in my house, etc. My husband does disable her car, though because last year she drove into a ladies house while drunk.
Here's my problem. My children are 7 1/2 and 4 1/2. They love her so much, and because she lives in the backyard, they have become super close to her. She is a wonderful g-ma when she's sober. When she's drinking they don't see her for days or weeks at a time. The only thing I've told them so far is "grandma is sick". Which is true, but not really. They have been asking why she is sick so much, and where she's getting her germs from. What is age appropriate to tell them? My biggest fear in life is for this to effect them. I grew up with this, and never wanted my children touched by it.
You can bet your kids are as confused as u were by her irratic behavior , al anon printed a book for young children , it's called Whats Drunk Mama??? it is very informative for young kids , respectful towards the alcoholic a great book for kids . they only want the truth they don't need to hear the nitty gritty stuff but they do want the truth , they too can learn to love grandma , hate the disease . good luck Louise
You say that you don't want your children to be affected by this? I hate to say this - but they already are. Certainly your 7 1/2 yr old knows more than the "germ" scenerio. I have always been honest w/ my children. ( I have a 10 y/o and a 11 mth old of an A.) I wish I never had to tell my kids about A but they have a right to know and maybe they are better off knowing. I hope that in the future it may help direct them in a right path away from addiction and maybe for now they understand why A is "not so great" sometimes. It's not their fault- I don't know for sure- I am fairly new to this (2 yrs w/ A) and very new to dealing w/ the aftermath of his destruction... I wish you well...
__________________
People may not remember what you did or what you said but they will remember how you made them feel...
They certainly don't need all the details. But they "know" something is wrong. In my family growing up no one said anything. Things were odd and there was that feeling that something was not right (like my mom being angry or having that scowl on her face). My grown sons now have to see there grandmother drunk. It might have been better to tell them when they were young what was going on.
Hi Owl, this is very scary to read you post for me. I have lived with my AH for 16 years now. Marriage counciling 1 year. Finding my HP 8 month now. I have a 10 and 7 year old. I asked my AH to move out 7 weeks ago but finally got him out 4 weeks ago. My counceler has also been a family counceler to all or us. She wanted me to tell the kids right away. I said no, there was no way I could ever let them here about A. It's my job to protect them, which by the way I have done a horrible job at and beat myself up badly for. I really have not protected them because of my own sickness of deniel and wanting a perfect family that really was my own lie. Well, my 10 year old is a mess emotionally! I have her in school group counceling starting today. I have her in building self esteem classes for children in our church. And today the children and myself are going to our counceler to discuss a childrens book on Alcoholism. I really just wanted my kids to have the image of their father as being their protector and the best dad in the world. It hurts my heart so bad that this is just not true. I really dont know what I am in for today. But the truth is their Dad is selfish, irresponsible child which I just cant help but to blame myself. I let this go for sooo many years now. Just kept pushing his drinking and drugs under the rug. Blowing up for days, trying to point out how wrong his actions were. Taking on two jobs so he could stay home and drink and lie just so I could keep our home and my pretend perfect little family. I have messed our kids up due to my own lie of hoping our love and faithfullness toward this illness would show him and help him stop and we would all live in peace. So anyway I guess I should have listen to our counciler's words 4 weeks ago and I am sure my children will understand what the need to understand only and they will hurt but not as bad as they are hurting right now. They are really hating me for dad moving out and I am trying very hard not to let it show but it is killing me that this desease has belittled me, over powered me and left me so lonley. Thank God I found this wonderful family here. I will make it and so will my kids! Good luck on what you need to do for your children. I know how much my Nana ment to me and my Mom means to my children. This is just not right for little ones who love someone so much to be told something that I still cant even put my own thoughts around as an Adult.
Sending you just a little kindness as I really dont know much about the subject myself. Kelly
Recently we had a newcomer at one of my Al-Anon meetings and he was a grandfather raising his grandchildren because their mother (his daughter) is an alcoholic and isn't responsible enough to care for the children.
This man asked me "How do you explain the disease of alcoholism to a child?"
About a week later we were at an AA conference and I asked a man who has a very long time in the program this exact question. His response to me was
"tell them exactly like you would tell an adult"
With the amount of TV that our children watch today they are exposed to this issue much more than we were and they understand more. So my answer to your question is
Tell them the truth.
__________________
Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
