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I know you would think by now I would be "over it" or "cured" sadly no.
The last two months of surgeries, tooth pulled, injury to my leg and on and on.
I have to take pain med. HATE it.
Feels so frustrating that nothing works, I mean legs, fingers, hands, head.
Fixing a fence gate, what else? sweat rolling onto my glasses, headache, so weak, Pollypoopoohead potted pig is behind me nudging me with her snouter. I am crouched tryn to hitch a huge round post to the bottom of the gate panel. HOPING no one lifts it and bends the gate up to get out and lets the dogs out, then the neighbor men in their big four wheel trucks yell at me..
I yell back,"Why don't you come help me???"
cry and try to not get pushed over by the pots and cannot get up.
Anyway I hurt so bad last night, I gave in and took med. Nightmares were horrible. I finally wake up and am looking for my AH fell back asleep.Woke up again and thought,"Where is he????" then remembered..
sobbed.
It has been several years since we slept together all tucked into our pod.But in my most vulinerable position I want him. I hate waking up and he is not there.
It is like no one in the world of docs. insurance, whoever realizes disabled means that, not able to do, dis, uno.
they give you a time or they will take your first born if you don't fax blah blah to them.
Never mind ya feel like poop, the drive to the ups store is a ways from the mountain, and money to do it. And worse ya gotta put on cloths other than your jammie bottoms and hooded sweatshirt and slippers....possibly comb your hair..and ya gottta get out of your car.
I have great faith in what is next. Other than Tavish my basset who needs me, I am so done here. tired.
I do love what I have, just saying I was born on the wrong planet.
How dare I want to have my sweet on program husband with his brain not scrambled to be home with me, kissing and digging new water ponds together.
Of course I want my AH. Always will. MOst time am serene and ok. When I am this sick, I am not ok with it. So I completely relate to you all who cannot figure out what makes ya still want them, and fantasize how they may care.
Of course you do.
I don't know if you guys do it, but I am constantly holding back the pain and grief inside.When I am weak it comes out as I just cannot hold it in anymore.
gotta say this is NOT all the time, actually I am blessed as it is lots less than earlier years,getting LOTS better. but when ya feel like this, ug.
sooo I am tucked into my feather bed with my feather comforter, then in the morn I put on shorts and a tank top. Oregon is so weird....
Well, I do understand what you want. I don't understand why we want something we can not have. I cry, sob (not as much). I try to figure it out. He gets further and further away. Absolutely shut off any intimacy. An occasional phone about nothing and that is it. He is in Alcoholism land with no booze. I say goodnight to him sometimes. I touch the pillow that he use to sleep on. I cry again. I have found help in other places. It sucks being alone and trying to do everything yourself. I have my two dogs and one scarey cat. I am so sure that they love me and need me. I am sure that my HP has something better in mind for me. And for you for that matter. Hang in there.
thank you for reminding me that it is so much worse to have them in the same house/bed and be so separate.
It is awful isn't it to see them and long to be loved by them. I am so sad knowing what you are living thru. I had to make my own bedroom becuz the pain was too much to sleep with a stranger.
I know what ya mean that time makes it get easier. but it still hits us as hard when it does.
ug if my head was not so owweee I could probably be ok. hugs and thank you, love,deb
you know I am with you in all this. I understand truly about the surgery, and the pain and the meds all screwing that brain up and wringing it out whilst ou try to think straight, do the impossible and try to focus.
there with you. I wonder how WE would have faired together, me with my crutches and head on back to front...but you know I would be over there helping and comforting you in person if I had the world I wanted.
take care. you are always in my thoughts and prayers each day. still away at my sons, but focussing a little better now since the funeral. Managed to eat a little yesterday for the first time...love is a crazy thing, if you are programmed to love, you do and with it you hurt too.
One minute at a time honey bun. Suzannah.
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Sorry you are not feeling well. I no longer wish the A were around. He caused too much damage to me and the dogs to wish that. Do I wish I had someone to help me? Far less than I once did. I think it would be nice but I have to be super careful about going to the point of looking because I don't yet have the skills to look with care.
((((((debilyn))))))) I understand 1000% where you're at. 1000%. And for anyone who hasn't experienced it, it's really hard to get your head around. You are in my prayers. I hope you are taking as good of care of YOU as you do everyone else (and every creature!). And I'm with Jean on this......you DO have choices. Peace, R3
choices. I would not mind selling and moving closer to my son and friends. you know how that is nowdays.
I would like to hear what options you believe I have. I mean it. I may not agree but still would appreciate it!
wish I could meet someone. will not marry outside my beliefs. would not work. I am ok money wise. I dislike wasting it though. we are always taken care of. so much better since i walked into mips heart!! (o:
got a couple more goals finished. major ones. my friends henry and carla are helping me tomorrow!!! yes I feel i can trust them. placing two more piggies soon and the last sheep to go is going sunday to a happy home with ewes!!!
am better at rescueing and placing. only emergencies.
I love my life. it is the pain that makes everything so heavy, I get mad then I get depressed uno?
all my joints scream but I HAVE to keep moving, that is life with this type arthritis.
had to take 4 darvocet tonight,but it stoppped stinking. (o:
I can hear the owls outside hooting. so neat. been foggy in morn still and warm in the day. I love oregon.
Let go and let God is major. also the serenity prayer. I look at things so different now.
you guys keep me on my path.I am not suicidal ever anymore. I am just very ready to go to the next plain of life. but if it is 50 years more I will enjoy that too.
I would not take the A back. just really really still miss him at times. OR I miss the help of a nice man. and miss spoiling one.
hope you are starting on the upswing a little more now. just this week I finally connected how physical pain can pull down my newly built (of a few years compared to my life years) management tools for depression. I was sliding downhill but aware and slid then fought it and slid some more. It was just a surprise to see how physical pain (dental work) started it this time.
I bounced back quicker and starting to connect the dots on how to foresee the pitfalls of potential sliding down to sad. Physical pain is enough on it's own let alone throw in the emotional and mental pain we all juggle. Be good to you with lots of TLC. I too will try to treasure all the little joys I can string together like a string of pearls - lasting memories to revisit when I am in pain of any kind.
Thinking of you and the joy before that your words bring to many. Hope that what goes around, comes back around to you. hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
