The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wasn't able to make my F2F meeting last night bc I am not feeling well. I was diagnosed with Lymes in September, treated for it, and I think I am relapsing. The DR wanted to put me in the hospital today for two days to run all sorts of tests, etc. I am not in the hospital now, nor do I plan on going there anytime before getting back some recent blood work and/or a second opinion. But I am not feeling like myself and it's also causing a little depression. I want to email the ex ABF. I am dying to email him...so I turn to the board here to avoid making that "mistake".
If I emailed him, what would my purpose be? To tell him how sick I've been feeling and to let him know that I miss him like crazy. Believe it or not, he was actually able to keep his act together whenever I was sick...though that was before all hell broke loose before the summer started. In fact, when I was originally diagnosed with a spider bite, and was very sick from the treatment and stuck in Florida -- he was barely reachable. He spent the week on a drinking binge and, in fact, was not at the airport when I arrived there bc he was drunk when I gave him the flight information and hungover when I gave it to him the following day! He NEVER asked ONCE about how I felt when I got home--and, again, wound up taking off that entire weekend! unbelievable that I would want to contact him now, isn't it??? It's stupid. Why why why am I still even thinking about him???
So I guess if I emailed him, my motivation would be that maybe...just maybe...he'd feel like crap for walking out the door and not dealing with his disease in a more productive way--or facing it head on like a man should. Maybe...just maybe...he'd walk around and worry about me for a day or two or three. Is it terrible that I want him to feel some level of pain? I'm certain this goes against at least 10 of the 12 steps!!! Clearly, the more I write, the more bitter I am sounding, but I know this is a safe place to let it out. At times, I truly despise him ever coming into my life. I really do. Is that so horrible? I hope he misses me--and I do hope he hurts when he thinks about me. I know that sounds absolutely horrible. I know it does...but I just cannot help it. Why do I feel these feelings? And why, even though I feel that way, I still want him back and in my life?
Thanks for your support and thoughtful responses. They are always appreciated and helpful!
You sure don't sound well and I'm also glad you came here first for love and support rather than what was normal for you and a compulsion. That is our part in the disease. They are compulsed to drink and we are compulsed for what we are addicted to. It will change as you keep working on your recovery. I also tried the self pity routine with my alcoholic hoping that she would feel sorry for me and attend to me like I attended to her...alcohol always got in the way of our mutual loving. In AA I learned that what I wasn't to do was pick up the first drink. In Al-Anon I learned to go to the Family group first before making a connection with the alcoholic. It was hard; very hard and then here I am all better and still working the program.
You also sound like you have your head on straight dealing with the physical problem and managing how the process comes about soooo you are not without skills and courage. You must have used that same process in coming home first before going out looking for trouble. Good job!!
I'm hoping all comes out well for you. Lymes is nothing to laugh at and neither is this disease of alcoholism.
Stick around and let the family nurture you for a while. We do care.
Sorry to hear your feeling poorly, being a little depressed is normal when were at a low ebb.
What I noticed from your post is how much self awareness you have, and how your using Alanon in such a great way. Well done to you, I love the way you've approached your dilema over contacting your A.
We all indulge in the if only's and the fantasy of them ever feeling our pain. And its only natural you want someone there to look after you whilst your ill. Dont be hard on yourself.
Sending you lots of love for a speedy recovery Carol
Sorry to hear you are not well. I put up with 7 years of the A not being there for me in sepsis, asthma, flu, pneumonia. You name it he couldnt be there for me. I no longer want him around but I did for a long time. I kept on hoping, that is my part. He didn't want to know unless it benefited him in some way. But when he was sick I was supposed to give my every moment to be empathic to him. I did that for years, gave till I had nothing left to give.
At one point in my recovery he called from the hospital, he'd been hospitalized for a heart attack (or possible one). He wanted everything laid on. I took the call. Now I would not. Now I would not answer even if he were at death's door.
I hope you will learn to put yourself first. I waited a long long long time to do that.
