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Hi all - it's been a while since I've been on here, but it's so nice to know I can sign on at a moments notice, and will find a group of understanding people any time.
Brief background for those who don't know me... daughter and wife of alcoholic/addicts. Grew up resentful, and married due to extenuating circumstances. We have been together for 13 years. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband & feel like we are soul mates. However, he was a VERY active drinker and drug addict for most of our marriage. In 2004, hit bottom bad, went to rehab and stayed clean for a while. In 2006, started abusing pain meds, and hit bottom again. I gave him the ultimatum, and he stopped. He was very active in NA, and did great again... for a while. About six months ago, I figured out that he was smoking pot - again - and approached him on it. He swore it was "nothing" and would stop. Well, we all know we can't trust them.....
Last week I found his "stash" in our basement, and just threw my hands up in the air. I haven't said anything, because I kind of feel like "Why bother". Yes, I know ALL the reasons to bring it to his attention that he is once again on his downward spiral --- AND I know all the reasons NOT to. I am just SO tired of trying to "make sure he's OK". I know in my heart this is who he is, and I can't stop him if he doesn't want to stop. But, I also know that I literally can't stand being around him when he's stoned. He just sound like an idiot! He does stupid things that a straight person wouldn't do, and he thinks he's fine.
So... am I just numb to his behavior, waving the white flag - or am I just plain dumb for keeping my mouth shut and accepting bad behavior? I truly am tired of all of this. I love him and won't leave, unless he becomes physically abusive. I also worry that this is his "gateway" to return to severe crack addition. Do I just keep my mouth shut and ride the wave... or write a letter, or tell him in person that I know what he's been up to, and explain my fears.
Thank you in advance for ANYone's replies - they are appreciated.
Well no one can tell you what, if, how to do what you might do.
There are lots of people who have been where you are. The A who I was with had some sobriety some time in his life, he functioned. Then he stopped, lost it and lost everything as a result of that. I almost lost everything too including my sanity.
This week I was thinking how hard it was for me to accept that all the A really wanted on the holidays was to get loaded with his brother. Didn't matter where we were, I once paid for a lovely trip to stay in a beautiful place. He rushed home dragging me with him of course (I never was to have a need after all). I resented that for years raged, raged and raged some more about it. The fact is he wanted to use and that was how he wanted to spend the holidays. I let my not being able to accept that ruin every holiday for me. I sat and resented and resented and resented it then felt sorry for myself, then some more. I made scenes, I was the martyr(went out and bought everything gourmet and cooked it), the saint, he actually came and fell asleep one meal and ate nothing. I was the victim too. I was everything but sane and able to accept he chose that. I do these days when I have to deal with addicts I readily accept they choose to do it. So I no longer rage but I certainly can get into resentment pretty quickly so I have to really limit my engagements.
Detachment can be the first step, with detachment comes choice for me. Without it I'm resenting, controling, raging, martyring, and being a victim. I know how to do all those things being in recovery is new for me, being in recovery means having a choice.
In my experience, A's only pay attention to actions, and not words..... Telling him "you're caught", is pretty much pointless, cuz he already knows what he is doing, and you don't control that! I would suggest that you think more in terms of boundaries that you can set, for your own needs, with respect to him & his addictions. If that is "zero tolerance" for drugs of any kind in the house, then so be it - just make sure there are consequences attached, and that you are willing to enforce those consequences....
I don't disagree with you at all, that this is a huge red flag, and very possibly might lead him back into his downward spiral, but you have no more control of his sobriety, than you do of his addiction.
I'd encourage you to take whatever steps YOU need to take, so that you can take care of YOU.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I would have to agree with Tom. I am a firm believer in actions speak much louder than words. The main thing though is not saying things that you have no intention of following through with......much like when I reprimand my son, I have to make sure that it is a punishment that I can deal with also and won't give in. When he looses his privledges I also loose things too. Whatever you decide to do.......make sure it is YOU that you are doing it for. Keep coming back Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Thank you for taking the time to respond to my message. I am truly grateful for this site.
I can tell you this.... it's not him using that is my problem. I hate what it does to him, but I'm so past caring if he decides to destroy himself. I am comfortably detached from the using part.... it's the lying. That is the part I HATE!!! I feel absolutely violated. How can you look me straight in the eye, and try to make me believe that you are not using WHEN YOU ARE!!! Then I get mad, and I can't "fake" it that everything is OK, so he know's I'm upset about something, but honestly, I'm so tired of talking about it with him that I can't even mention it without feeling like I'm going to throw up. Again, why bother. I know exactly what he's going to say, that I'm crazy, or why don't I just worry about myself, or that I'm not his mother and he doesn't need to explain himself to me! And God forbid I tell him I know he's lying!!! Ohhh! He just turns into such an ass when he's on this destructive path......
So, I don't want to say anything because honestly, there is nothing left to say. Other than I'm uncomfortable around him all the time. But in the meantime, I'm losing my strength, patience and sanity. I just want to run away, but I could never, ever do that to my kids.
Thanks for letting me vent. Please feel free to reply, I'm in need of others insight. Mine's gone.
