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Although I havent posted in a while, I have still visited the board to read your posts.I havent spoken with my ex A B/F in, well, I dont remember how long.Its been a while though.As a matter of fact I have for the most part backed away from anyone remotely connected to him.I just needed to, for my own sanity.
This morning though, I am having thoughts of him.I want to pick up the phone so bad and call him to see how he is doing.Its taking a lot of self control on my part not to call or email him.
I feel like Ive come so far, yet have so much further to go. Am I ever going to be able to move on 100% without thoughts of him. I really hate this feeling.Today I am missing our friendship.Im missing him.I am still in a relationship with my current boyfriend and things are going really well.Youd think since I am so busy with him I wouldnt have time to think of my ex; but I do.
This morning I feel like Ive taken 10 steps forward and 50 backwards.Why cant I just let go 100% and enjoy the relationship I am in.My current boyfriend is SO good to me.Its so different than my relationship was with my ex.
Thankfully days like today are few and far between.I just wish I could get him out of my head. Today I miss our demented relationship and can't explain why. I think I am demented!
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say we are ALL have the ability to be demented (or insane) until we reach out for our Higher Power, who could and would restore us... if only He were sought.
If this was a long-term relationship, it is normal to have thoughts of the past pop into our consciousness. However, if you are committed to the relationship you are currently in, you need to ask if you are being the kind of partner that you hope he is being to YOU. Treat this boyfriend the way you want to be treated.
To me, it's enough to acknowledge that we all have unhealthy thoughts pop into our heads from time to time. We don't have to ACT on it!!! Just acknowledge that it's there and ask HP to remove it.
Remember, what you focus on, gets bigger. (((hugs)))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
tlcate wrote:And if you have a good relationship now - it doesn't seem logical to risk it for something that probably isn't worth it.
tlc
My current relationship is really good, which is why I get confused when I have these thoughts of my ex. My ex and I dated for years and I put up with all his BS for the majority of our relationship. I wish I could understand why I cant let go 100%. I will admit, its really nice being with someone that isnt an addict or alcoholic. What a difference!
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
glad lee wrote:To me, it's enough to acknowledge that we all have unhealthy thoughts pop into our heads from time to time. We don't have to ACT on it!!! Just acknowledge that it's there and ask HP to remove it.
Thankfully I havent acted on my desire to call or email him. Its taking a lot of my energy not to follow through with my desire to communicate with him. Hopefully this too shall pass.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
Demented isn't unexpected in the disease. It is rather normal and lessens with time and support. That is why the Al-Anon Family Groups work so well. I needed the membership to support me into periods of sanity and awareness between periods of insanity or dementia. You didn't act on it is the biggie! Exactly the same for the alcoholic or addict. They also get the compulsion of the mind. As long as they don't act on it and have support they will get to and remain in sobriety.
Relapses in thinking...I still get them and sometimes I will react improperly. This isn't about perfection. It's about progress.
I think for me it is the inability to accept that someone that messed up can not see and appreciate me. --How could someone repeatedly screw up and not see with their own eyes that I was willing to do whatever it took to help him. There came a point that there was no appreciation shown towards me.
He needs the drama in his life. He wants the toxic relationship and great make-up sex. -- DRAMA... Oh the D word! Why is it that Addicts/Alcoholics love the drama? Never made any sense to me. I like a nice quiet life without the drama and do all I can now to avoid drama! I had enough of it when I was with him!
I believed all the stories that it was everyone else's fault. But as the stories were given more details - he has NEVER been honorable. He has never stood by anything his entire life or loved anything more than himself. And he is not capable of being a loving, dependable, kind partner. -- It never seems to be their fault. Just everyone elses! My A never stood by anything either and always thought of himself first!
I can really reply on my post! Thank you for sharing!
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
maresie wrote:Eventually I had not spoken to him for such a long time it would be awkward to talk and that became another reason why I passed. -- In a way I am hoping to stay strong and not contact him. I feel like if I do, I will be starting from the beginning point in my recovery. Today though, I am curious. Not acting on it though.
I know I will never get closure from him or an apology. He isn't capable of it. -- I wanted an explanation, an apology, even an ackonwledgment of what he had done. I dont think he is capable of any of those actions. He is all about himself. Too bad I didnt realize this 2 1/2 years ago!
Maresie.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
I had to pass on beating myself up about recovering sooner. There were many reasons I stuck with the A. There were many reasons I could not take action. There were many reasons I came to love him. Who would want to break up a home?
What I will be missing isn't real. It is a fantasy I created.
That hits it right on the head for me. My relationship was like a fantasy that I created. I didnt acknowledge the "bad" for so long. Always saw the good in him and ignored the bad. Sometimes I wonder if I fell in love with him because he was "sick" (I actually hate that word describing addicts/alcoholics) and I thought I could "save" him. Took me a long time to realize that only he can save himself. If he wants to get sober, he has to work at it. Relapsing 12+ times to me means he isnt really trying. Being in rehab 12+ times again to me means he isnt trying (his rehab was mandated by the courts). Maybe it's harder than I think to stay sober, but if I had lost a wife, kids, numerous jobs, a house, cars, drivers license numerous times (now he'll never get it back), and friends I think I would have stepped back and re-evaluated my own situation and did all I could to make the situation better. Maybe I think like this because I am not an alcoholic/addict.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
You sound A LOT like me today. I am craving my ex abf in the worst way. Reading your post has given me the strength to keep focusing on me and not him. I feel like just knowing someone else out there is having similar feelings, makes it easier for me to not act on mine bc my prayer for you is that you can control it and that it WILL pass!!!! It will!!!
Your new bf would be heartbroken if you contacted the ex, wouldn't he? I think the reason we are still curious about the ex is bc of the unknown. And what if--just what IF--they sober up. Are we missing out on a great thing? That's my big hold up. I cannot forget how much hell he put me through, though. I can't. It's hard--almost impossible at times--but the truth is, he did a lot of stuff to make my life miserable and he is not in a place now where that would be any different.
So here's to your strength and your HP--that you get past today and tomorrow you'll wake up feeling refreshed, wondering what in the world you were thinking when you thought to contact him!!
Cannot remember where I learned it, but I don't use the word "why?"
I use the word, "what."
What makes me still think of him? Then I can think well becuz he is very ill, I love him very much, does not mean I have to have a relationship with him.
Sometimes I find the heart feels what it feels. My husband A is so very, very sick. He has not resembled his real self for many years. He died, his body walks around as an evil A demon. But I dearly love the man who use to be.
We can love more than one person. We love everyone in a different way.
I hope you find some serenity in acceptance of how things just "are."
