The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just got back from a sporting event - competing in my age group. I missed last year because of my shoulder surgery and really wanted to go this year. My work didn't approve my leave until the last minute so I called around and friends got me on a team (Canadians no less Canadian Guy!). We played hard and had fun going to dinner etc. I learned alot just being around new people.
What I noticed about myself was that I was just going to let it go, stay mad at my employer for not approving my leave, go back to work and work, work, work. But I think that Alanon has help me to take care of myself instead of suffering and being a martyr. I just knew that I needed to go. Several of the team members were with their husbands. They drove us around and cheered for us. I was envious that they could share this event with someone special. My AHsober use to do things together. I miss that. I am again fighting being the martyr and thinking why me.
My next attempt at self destruction was to think of driving a long way home with no one waiting there for me. So I turned it around to appreciate what I did have. I met my son, DIL, and grandaughter for lunch on the way home, I took a hike that I have been meaning to do for years, stopped by to see my 90 year old MIL, called my mom to let her know that I got home ok. I realize that my disease wants to take a good weekend and turn it into a resentment towards my AHsober for not being there for me and not helping me live a great life. But it isn't like my perfect picture that I have in my mind but it will do.
My team validated me as a person and I liked that. I validated myself by goiing and I like not being the martyr. My dogs and cat were happy to see me. Oh, and an Alanoner called last night. Haven't heard from her in awhile. By listening to her I was able to give back what has been given to me.
I loved this post and it was exactly the ES&H I so desperately needed tonight. I find myself rehashing and holding on to resentments as a way to show the people in my life who have left/hurt me: "SEE what you've done!" Futile of course! I decided tonight that I need to practice having a positive attitude and your post was a wonderful reinforcer that it works if you work it!
Nice post, Nancy.... I know exactly what you are referring to. Being a martyr just seems to make sense sometimes, but rarely, if ever, is there any benefit since we are the only ones who "get it". I'm glad you had a nice weekend. I love how you turned all the potential negativity around, and even made your long drive home a meaningful event where you blessed other people. Good job!
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Oh how this struck a cord with me, it reminds me that we have choices now that we recognise, we can have courage and take a new route or we can do the same old same old and get nowhere different, I like that we can take a new route and enjoy the new scenery, there is so much more to see when we open eyes, thankyou for sharing.
What a nice post. I'm glad you had a nice weekend. It's not easy not to play the martyr at times. There are times when people think that we are playing the role, when we are not. The truth is sometimes it's just darn hard to do this and we dwell on it. That's okay as long as we recognize it and keep moving foward. You are doing that. I'll bet the hike was gorgeous. Here in NY we are just past peak. It was a glorious fall. The colors were stunning. Keep up the good work. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I can relate to the need to be a martyr or a saint as well as a victim. I work pretty hard these days on no matter what finding ways to nuture myself. I think you did a great job. I also over commit at work. I work far more hours than I get paid for currently. I'm working on that one!
I ended up with the thought that when I also was out there and needy it also to a ton of people to help me feel okay with me and that to place this need for validation on the shoulders of one person not myself who was suffering from a life threatening disease, was a poor expectation ready to ripen into a blossoming resentment. You had other choices and made them and followed thru and had a great time. God didn't create me attached to an alcoholic or anyone else for that matter and I didn't get a manual on how to take care of the world either.
I am happy with you that you also had a good weekend.
"that to place this need for validation on the shoulders of one person not myself who was suffering from a life threatening disease, was a poor expectation ready to ripen into a blossoming resentment. "
Nancy, I, too, really related to your post - and Jerry - I LOVE this response. Meant for me today. I found myself doing this very thing this weekend. Martyr me. And the SABF didn't deserve what he got. It's time for me to take a breath and get back to taking care of me. Gosh my tendency to steer off course and lose me is just scary sometimes. Thanks for a jolt of reality. R3
"So I turned it around to appreciate what I did have."
Love this line Nancy and one I will think of when I start spiraling down the path as a martyr. Thanks for the good thought!! Wonderful weekend, wonderful progress. Hurray for you!!
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
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Hurray for you!! 