The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The tug of war I've been having with myself over step 3- turning ourselves over to HP has really hit home this past week. In a previous post I had informed the board that I was feeling guilty about sticking to boundries I had put in place when my ABFSober moved back in. I moved him out last weekend after he crossed my boundries and I have cut all ties to him; shut off the phone, put his stuff in storage etc. I started worrying about where he was, if he was ok etc. but then I used step 3 to just turn everything over to my HP and "let go and let God", and you know what? I feel calm and there is no doubt in my mind I made a decision that was right for me and my son. I don't feel like I am fighting anymore, I don't feel like I am trying so hard to squash my inner voice and instince telling me that this relationship is not what I need or really want. I still am worried about my BF but that is human nature, I love and care about him. Will it cause me to put my needs aside and live in a manner that I know is not good for me? NEVER AGAIN. My head is clearing and Al-Anon is just reinforcing all the things I know I need to do. Do I miss him? Of course, but I think I miss the "him" that I invented in my head; who I wanted him to be when he stopped drinking, when he became responsible etc. That person never existed in reality. I am sad that this disease affects people so much but I am sure I went through this for a reason and am having faith that "this too shall pass". I feel good today, and that is what I am happy for. :)
Posts like these make me feel so happy and reinforces what Alanon teaches us. It is not until the student is ready that the teacher (Higher Power) appears.
I find surrendering my will to be one of my character assets now where before I thought I was "giving up" or "failing" because I grew up in a house where you live by the sword, you die by it; you make your bed, you lay in it (UGH). No more of that crazy thinking, that's for sure.
I think you hit upon a great awareness. We often create other's images in what we "want" to believe versus "what is the reality" of the situation.
I am so happy for you because as you said, you feel better, and that's what it is all about.
You go girl! Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
thank you both for your responses. I feel like the serenity and peace that I need will only come when I take care of myself, and that sadly means giving up on this relationship. I feel like I've spent the last 2 1/2 yrs of my life striving for the "when he stops drinking he'll...." and then it happened and all the behaviors stayed the same. My fault for not having any idea about alcholism. BUT, I can be honest with myself and I know that I can't live with someone who doesn't respect me enough to tell me the truth about even day to day things. The empty promises, lies, etc. (everyone knows what comes with these relationships) well, I just can't deal with it. I feel like I deserve so much more. I wanted him to be so much more than he is and that isn't fair to him either. I will not repeat the mistake of being so codependant again because it made for a miserable existence for me and I couldn't understand why. I thank al- anon for helping me recognize those behaviors so I don't repeat them and leading me into my own recovery. I am broken hearted but hopefull that my future will be mutch happier.
