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I have received a settlement from my AH's attorney. If you can call it that. I get NOTHING at all. Nada. AND he is demanding I pay him $2000 in attorney's fees.
I am so furious. I put my sweat and heart and soul into renovating that crack house by his side. I lived in construction hell for two solid years. I scraped and cleaned and scrubbed and painted and sanded, you name it. It was horrible but I did it because I believed in him and the house and our marriage.
Now he says he paid for all of my grad school (SO NOT TRUE) so I should not get anything at all. I paid for grad school, my family paid for grad school and yes, he did pitch in but he did not pay for all of it. It was a group effort and I worked a job all the way through to support myself.
He is demanding I PAY HIM BACK for attorneys fees.
I left that place in the middle of the night with only the clothes on my back. I have nothing from that place. Not a thing. I was afraid and I left because he was yelling and beginning to get violent and I ran.
My attorney sucks and is expensive. This whole thing just stinks to high heaven. I just need to get out but I am so stuck on this justice thing. I want justice. I know I will never ever get any kind of justice in any way. Its just the way of this world and these times. Its a dark age in so many ways and this is just a tiny shred of evidence, my little dumb life.
I am OK, I have a good job and am in a new city that I like very much. I will get over it. I have a way better future ahead of myself than he has, that is for sure. I am just so broke and have attorneys fees and money I owe my brother-in-law, etc. but I will dig myself out of this alcoholic hole, just like the rest of you are, one freakin' day at a time. Geesh, what a crowd we are!!!! Digging out. Every last one of us in one way or another!!!! God help us. Hugs, J.
Is this your final settlement, or are these still negotiations and this is where he wants to start? Mine started the same way, this is so familiar. He began the settlement with offering me less than one-tenth of what he makes. Keep in mind, I never worked during our 26 yr. marriage... he was always traveling and we had 2 children. The understanding was, he had the career and I did e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g else. (sorry, I'm feeling some rage here....) His attorney must have told him, this will never fly and it eventually became more reasonable. But that was one month's drama during the divorce.
In the end, I was still cheated out of a few things, one was getting something for the FL condo which his family all co-owns together, but WE put a lot of our marital money into. Plus, I did all the decorating there, the painting, the upholstery, etc.... a lot of sweat equity. I got nothing for all that because he said he sent me to massage school... a mere 7 grand... "so we can call it even." (I married him when I was 19 and this was all I ever did for myself in 26 years.... massage school. (actually, like a true co-dependent, I did it to take care of him... ugh..."my little dumb life." )
For me, it got to the point, where I could dig in my heels and continue to fight, it was all such an outrage. Or I could simply believe that my HP was going to take care of me, one way or another. (Some members of my group believed I should keep the dividend checks that came to the house for myself, even though they are in both our names. I chose not to lie, that would make me like him.)
Just for today, I choose to believe that this journey requires me to feel all the feelings that go along with these circumstances, to accept it as a necessary chapter in my life... trusting the infinite wisdom of HP... and then, I choose to stick with the program so that I can continue to grow. I just never want to be so sick again.
I remember during the grueling process of divorce, I had cried to my sponsor, "It feels like the world is out to get me." She quickly responded, "It is!! The spiritual world is not of this world." This is so true. Materially, I have suffered. Spiritually, I have gained so much. This path has served a great purpose.
Fear is remedied by faith. When you need more faith, pray for more faith. When you need more strength, pray for more strength... When you think of the money, remember it's God's money. God's storehouses are overflowing, so think thoughts of plenty! The beginning of all change, is in us. I can already sense this in you at the end of your post.
My sisterfriend, Jean, I'm so sorry for your suffering. Take what you like and toss the rest, but know that I'm with you, in spirit.
((((hugs))))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Jean!! You've got to be kidding!!!!! No WAY do you pay HIS atty fees unless YOU have been delaying the process in major, illegal ways. And the reason you pay your atty big bucks is for exactly this kind of bu**sh*t. Take this justified anger and call your atty and tell him that he either makes this better for you or you WILL report him to the bar, the local lawyers association, and every single person you happen to run into who is looking for a divorce atty!
Man! I am pissed off at your situation. LOL! Maybe a bit more than I should be....still co-dependent here.
I know you're going to be ok no matter what but I really HATE when abusive idiots get even a corner of the blanket. I know that I have gotten a repremand for saying so but the Karma bus is comming for him. I hope he looks both ways before crossing you!
I have to agree. Tell your attorney to do something for the money like he's supposed to or give your case to someone that can do what you are paying for. Fight for yourself GF, use that anger to demand equality.
(((hugs))) Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Sorry, Jean... That scream was for you. Does that help?
You say "settlement", but I am hoping it is really a suggestion, cause you won't let it be final, right? Does your attorney actually agree with it? Before you shell out any more money, I'd ask around to see what your recourse is. Hey, maybe there is a book such as "Divorce for Dummies" that can serve as a resource (unless your attorney wrote it...)
Hey, look at us! So, much for no advise in al-anon, huh?
Bad divorces, hmm, seems like it may become a popular thread, and I feel compelled to jump in. Because misery likes company (so they say), know that I am $9000 into it, with no end in sight. I've been doing a collaborative divorce (with our own attorneys and an accountant) and the swell agreement we've come up with is that I work my a** off and support myself and three kids while my AH pretends to save our business. Good one. Oh, and then at a meeting where we were discussing how much each person was owed, my AH's attorney says that my AH has a credit and he has been discounting his services. How does he do that?
Yep, Jean, you will dig out. We all will. In the meantime, however, hang tight to that shovel! Know that we love you and many of us totally understand.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I'm singing "Memories" again after reading your post. Justice and Settlement are two different things. I got less than justice, just as you are feeling and I did get settlement. In the end, an end I didn't like arriving at and won't mention the details about, I arrived at acceptance. When I arrived there I had spiritual settlement. One piece of justice you can demand is from your lawyer. If he or she isn't giving you your monies worth...fire 'em and refuse to pay for services not rendered. I did both to two of mine and arrived at justice. I wasn't paying the judge and got a twisted decision from him with another judge and my attorney advising me not to challenge because of additional time and costs. It's over...no more fear, rage and resentment. Just a lounge chair in the palms of my HP. After it's all done and said...for me, it's let go and then let go and let God.
Have a ((((((hug)))))) and remember recovery means we learn how to take the bitter with the better.
Thanks so much you guys...really helpful, all of your responses. I have a telephone conference with the court next week. They were going to make me show up (1000 miles away, would have had to take off of work, etc.) but my attorney did negotiate me out of that one.
I am feeling better now. I will just turn my back and walk away and he can keep it all. I won't pay him a dime. I just won't. I will send my attorney a piece of my artwork as payment and leave it at that.
May all of those material things remind him of me every single day of his life- all OUR/MY/HIS stuff. All my premarital assets- furniture, art, etc. One of my biggest regrets is losing my perfect credit rating but if that is my biggest regret, I am pretty darn lucky. Sure, I will miss some of my family heirlooms but its OK, I have no kids and no one to pass them on to anyway. Its all just stuff.
I feel clean. Like a completely empty, freshly painted room.
I can say one thing for certain, however. I will never ever marry again. I will never legally connect that way ever again on anything with anyone. I have just paid far too high of a price (and will continue to but just for a little while longer, however).
My future is bright but I am not there yet. But I am also not in my past either- its gone, thank goodness. I am right here at this wonderful kitchen table in the house I live in. Its a lovely chilly saturday morning and I am having tea and wearing my flannel jammies, wool socks and a wooly cardigan. I had a great nights sleep. I feel good. I am healthy. I have enough to eat. I have a nice day planned. End of story- right?! I love you guys, thanks so much for helping me along the way on the ROAD TO RECOVERY! love and hugs, J.
Yes, the best bit of advice I got was, 'realise that the attorney is working for you' not the other way round, I know for a quiet life it might seem like the easy option, and I certainly wouldn't sink a whole pile into it, but I would draw the line at paying his attorney's fees, do a work breakdown structure for your labour on the house, too often we do not realise what our labour is worth, if you need any help, pm me, I'd be glad to support you, I don't think you are going to get anything but you do need to take care of yourself.
I divorced an A 20 years ago. I was thinking back to that time when I was working on a 4th step this week. Really your exhusband's stuff is standard ploy, push you to the edge stuff. There is no divorce till there is a settlement. I have been caught in this so many times, letting my emotions run the show.
The A insisted I owed him money for his year of going out and dating women when he ran up his credit cards. Thankfully he had cut me off the credit cards long before, he could never say that I spent that money.
I dug in my heels and did not over react. I did have an attorney who helped. I also had nothing left to lose.
Do stop think don't over react. Work on what you want. What do you want. Yes of course we all want to walk away from a relationship. Yes we are always at the point of needing a resolution this minute.
I let myself be exhausted, over react, not take care of myself around A's for most of my life. That is no longer the case. I will not over react to an A anymore. Admittedly I am very very limited these days in the number I have to deal with. You can no longer poke me and expect me to over react.
Of course you want to run, give up, let go, and of course we all want the ultimate nuturing caring, go all out for their client divorce attorney (I've met a few of them they ususally had their own issues but that's another post).
For me taking responsibility for the fact I had not just one A has been a hard one. I will be 7 years and more repairing my credit that has a devastating effect on my life (but as Carolina girl says there is an end to that). I allowed myself to be totally swallowed up in "him". The A who I was with was not married to me in some ways it would be easier if he was and in other ways harder. I know I lost and lost and lost when I left that relationship and I wrote off so much. I'm not willing to write off any more.
For some of us its appropriate to let go, move on, and cut all the cords, for other people there is a need to set the line in the sand and say this is mine and I want it. No one can tell you what to do, how to navigate something that is so triggering but I know I always personally let the triggers rule my life.
