I was in a department store yesterday and for the first time when I was going by the mens' department I thought about the A casually.

So a few things came up for me. First of all I think I gave physically, materially and emotionally seventy thousand times more than the A gave me.  I know this probably sounds like an overstatement but I gave to the A in a compulsive, addictive, fear based way.  I was well aware he gave me less.  If anything that seemed to make me give more. 

I have to hold myself back these days from giving because that is a compulsion of mine.  Needless to say the A (who is now out of the picture) gets nothing.

Secondly the suggestions do really work. When I was in my codependent heyday I thought and acted on giving to the A day in day out. This is the first thought I have had of "giving to him" pop up for months on end.  Keeping busy is essential for me because I feel so deprived one way I deal with it is to give to others in the hope (blind most of  the time) that I will get something back. That is of course what I crave, attention, love, care, tenderness, being known.

Thirdly I am now happy for turning down a man I dated once who then started to demand my time and attention.  I am happy I nipped it in the bud.  We had similar interests but his demands were absolutely compulsive   I am glad I have not made any more contact with him (he lives nearby).  I know I can caught in that cycle in a second and I simply don't have it to go there anymore.  While I don't think I am entirely unattractive I think he merely saw me as a receptacle for his needs day one. He met me when I had terrible bronchitis and didn't seem to notice that all. 

One step at a time I do get better. I have stopped giving till it hurts, I have put the focus on  me and I run when I see dysfunction. They were all notions I could not even comprehend when I first came here.

maresie.