The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Haven't been on here in a while. My mom is here visiting and I see those red flags appear at times. She is taking my inventory at times and it really bothers me. She is a great person and I feel bad for talking about her like this. She is not intentionally saying anything that makes me see those red flags, and before alanon I would have reacted differently.
When I decide on something no matter what it is, I am free to do it and don't have to feel bad for my decision because someone else does not agree. I am tired of hearing comments, that I need to do things different. This does not happen all the time, but it does bother me. For examle, my daughter was in her room doing homework. My mom said I should go see if she needs help. My child knows to ask me if she needs help. Then, I smoke too much she says (cigarettes). I know they are bad for me, but it is MY choice. I know she's just concerned about my health, but I don't want to hear it.
Then we talk about my ex. I should have not said a word. Then I hear "I've always told you that" bla bla (when I was still with him). I'm also hearing about how she would not have two cats in the house, well not even one in the house. My bf and I chose to have the cats in the house, we chose to gets the cats, it is OUR choice, and I don't want to hear it. I hear it over and over.
Most of the time I just don't react at all. Somehow this makes me feel like I'm a little kid, I am doing things wrong, which I know I am not, I'm doing things MY way. So really it's mostly "you should, you need to, you should have, you shouldn't have". Please everyone, don't think she is such a bad person because she is not. I'm also not used to having her around much, but I am glad she got to come visit.
I am so tired by the time I get home from work. We still do things, go places, and it is fun. I'm not used to it, so that's prob. all it is. I am feeling like I can't be myself (as far as I have gotten to be myself so far through alanon).
My mother was not like that much. Inside I learned, mother has to be a mom. It is a law.....lol
If you can look at it with humor, it may help. I would say and yes we are going to the Humane Society to get a dog. Also a gal on the internet keeps talking about how much fun a pot bellied pig is!!!
lol as far as smoking,"yes I agree." Then go outside and light up. Agreeing is a good one too.
Also is,"what makes you ask?" My poor mother. lol She was fun to tease and I still see the grimace/smirk and funny look on her face when I told her my latest or she walked in to another pot bellied pig in the house....haha Once she stayed over and slept with a potted pig in her room on a loveseat in there. Grunt loved the company!
I know everyones way is different, some homes don't have humor. That is what kept us all going. I teased gma until she was 106. lol I told her to smile when I wanted to take a picture. I told her if she didn't I was going to duct tape on her. I got the greatest picture of her in all her life!
We never use the words should,fail, or bored in our homes.
Sometimes being a square peg is a hoot. love,debilyn and good for you for using skills!!! ps all my shares here are alanon approved.....
Oh mothers and daughters.... how I miss my Mom. Thank goodness she doesn't live with you! It reminds me of one of my best friends. She loves animals too. Now she has about several cats and one in particular happens to love her Mom. Whenever she comes over this cat makes a bee line for "grandma". As bad as a dog, jumps right in her lap. Well one day her Mom turns to her and says: "Why on earth did you get cats?" Without missing a beat, "Theresa" turns to her Mom and says: "Well if I had gotten snakes, you would have had a snake in your lap and it wouldn't be purring!" Mom never questioned her again! Suddenly she doesn't mind the cats!
Maybe you can gently remind her that you know smoking is bad, but it is your choice, and perhaps someday you would like to quit. Meanwhile, enjoy the visit. You'll get back to your routine soon enough. Love and blessings to you and your family. Itch the kitties ears for me.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Boy do I understand! My kids and I have been living with my mother in HER house for the last two years. It's amazing how many things I thought I could do quite capably that I'm apparently unable to do up to her standards. I don't do the laundry right, load the dishwasher right, discipline my children enough, dress right, eat right....
I know too that she only wants what's best for us, but her idea of what's best and mine are two very, very, very different things. I'm working on getting us out of here, but it's going to be at least another couple of years before I can afford a place of our own.
I have to keep reminding myself that I'm grateful to be here, to have a safe place for my kids to live....
I certainly understand your feelings of frustration. I have been in your shoes more times than I want to recall.
I came to realize something that really helps me in your particular situation: people (in this case your mother) giving me unsolicited evaluations.
I used to remind myself, or perhaps, try to convince myself that they, especially my mother, had good intentions. But that didn't work for me that well, for I still felt this negativity in me. I do find that using humor helps at times with some people (like debilyn suggested).
What I found to be the most helpful was to realize that what really irked me was that they were not validating me. I was wrong, flawed, not good enough. The old subconscious tapes would play.
I then thought a lot about how important validation from others is, especially from those whom we love. However, I realized that self-validation is the THE most important. The more I am okay with me, the less I need validation from anyone else. Too bad we weren't taught this from the get-go. First I got this realization at an intellectual level and still was irked a lot of the times. But once I got it at the emotional level, man, my life has turned around. Oh, I still slip, don't get me wrong. But I bounce back quickly.
Also, I think mothers (mine in particular) sort of feel that if we (their children) do not do as they do, they conclude we think there is something wrong with them. I really believe this (speaking as a mother).
I have two sons, 31 and 32 years old. Some things they do the same as me. Other things, totally different. But I have learned to back off. Unless they ask for my advice, and they rarely do, I don't give it. We talk about everything else under the sun and are very close. But give advice, I'd rather choke to death.
Any who, perhaps none of this applies to your situation. I hope you enjoy your mother's visit as much as possible. Be thankful you work. Can you imagine being home all day long with her? Okay, don't go there.
I've broken up friendships before over being "should" upon. One thing I do is to not answer when someone shoulds on me. I know I really bristle at it. One of my coworkers seems to absolutely relish it.
Detaching is an art isn't it. I think of every situation as a way to practice practice practice.
I know for me for a time in al anon things seemed to get much worse before they got better.
Thank you all for your replies. After I vented here, things have been great. No more should have's or any of that. Maybe we are learning to get used to eachother again.
Debilyn, you are so right, a mom is a mom, and I definately can say that because I am a mom too . I do smoke outside. No way I would smoke in the house. Anyway, I've heard no more "you smoke too much".
Karilynn, that is such a cute story about your friends mom and the cat. It made me smile. And yes, I'd prefer one over a snake myself. I have told my mom that I know smoking is bad, and perhaps one day I will be able to quit. She just cares about me and my health. She has told me that. I did scratch the kitties ears for you They loved it.
lmw, I hope things will get better for you and one day soon you will be able to move out. I guess it is hard for moms to accept that their kids may have different ways of doing things. I too have a lot of things in common with my mom, but there are differences. I'm glad I became aware of things thanks to alanon that I didn't notice before, about myself and others.
stormie,
yes, they do have good intentions and my mom has told me that. Yes, humor works for me as well lots of times, but sometimes I guess I take things personal. You wrote "Also, I think mothers (mine in particular) sort of feel that if we (their children) do not do as they do, they conclude we think there is something wrong with them. I really believe this (speaking as a mother)." This does make a lot of sense.
Maresie,
not to answer when someone uses 'should' etc. works well but sometimes it's hard to. It does work though. It's kinda like I'm not taking any part in the should haves, as long as I don't answer and the subject gets dropped. Thanks maresie.
Also, I now realize that the day I wrote the post, she may have just had a bad day. Maybe she misses my dad, who stayed home. Whatever the reason, I let go of it today. My mom is one of the closest people in my life, and through alanon I can learn to accept things better and learn to let go. I really do love her and I try not to think about the day she has to leave again.
Anyway, as I was reading, it seemed that although you say you do not react to her unsolicited advice, you also seem to do what I always do... and later have a resentment over.... I did nothing. I said nothing. This is HUGE when I do an inventory. It's POSSIBLE that if you do something different, you'll get something different. Maybe. (And, I'm liking the advice here about keeping our sense of humor, because on this side of the fence, we do mean well.)
My kids will just ask me, "Have you been making your meetings this week?"
((((hugs))))
-- Edited by glad lee at 22:15, 2008-10-18
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
. I do smoke outside. No way I would smoke in the house. Anyway, I've heard no more "you smoke too much".