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Hello Family!! I am stuck deciding how I want to handle this situation I am in. My AH just had a heart cath, which resulted in an agioplasty then a stent. Now that he "feels" better he has gone back to drinking and smoking. So what's new? I knew in the hospital that he would go back. His mom was so disappointed when she say him smoke a ciggarette. I just looked at her like, why are you so surprised? Then she looked at me like she understood why. I don't think that she does understand. I refuse to be the buffer or go between with her and him. I have told her that if she feels a certain way and wants him to know that she needs to communicate that to him. Not to me. I, myself, have changed the way I cook and have started cooking more healthy. For myself as well as my AH. But he refuses to do what the dr.'s tell him what can I do? I love this man, and I guess I will love him to death. It hurts a lot, but I have tried to accept this fact and let go and let God. I am finding it very difficult. I keep saying things out of spite, and they aren't helpful they are hurtful toward him. He kind of laughs them off, but I know that I have done harm. It is not necessary and it is futile, I know this yet my mouth snaps out these mean one liners. I have always done this, mostly in a funny way but now it's more ironic way and I know he feels the underlying meanings. What is the point? I know he is going to do what ever he wants to do no matter what I say or do. I am just frustrated. I thank HP that we only have 1 kid at home right now. It makes things easier on me, to not have added stressors. I am glad that I have the realization that he loves me, whether he drinks or not, and that I am working on my addiction. It is tough but I am putting in extra work, especially getting past this near death heart condition. I feel like, of course, he is taking advantage of this temporary fix to just get more drinking in and smoking in, while his heart is working better. I really just needed to vent this to people who know that you can't fix the alcoholic. I used to talk to his mother but she is always trying to figure out how to fix things, to lift the burden off of him so he won't drink. Because as we all know, stress makes the A's drink, right? NOT! But she is still dealing with things "her" way and I don't knock her for that, I just can't be the one to try and "fix" him. It's not my fault and I refuse to try and make him better when he is presented with the same information from the doctor's that I am. He is an adult and can make his own decisions, what ever they may be. Thanks for letting me vent! I was feeling extra bottled up today. Love to you all!!!
The A who I was with developed a life threatening illness during the time we were together. There was a period when he was doing al the drs told him, vitamins, water, the works. Then he went into self pity and back on the drugs. No matter where he was he went back on the drugs with somone.
I do know the anger. I also know even today when I am pushing pushing pushing myself to do more I am so glad I do not have to take care of him too.Everything was a huge battle.
I am glad you are not getting in between him and his mother. You do not need to "fix" that situation.
The A who I was with had his mother up and leave him when he felt specially vulnerable. I don't doubt she is making some play now the holidays are near. I am so so so grateful I am not around it. I found it to be so frustrating. Really all I had to do was let go.
This year on the holidays I have very very little going on, a few projects but I do not have the constant never ending frustration of dealing with an active alcoholid determined to kill himself. I am so grateful for that. I was not, of course, for a long time. Now I am.
I am glad you are taking better care of yourself. You need to in times of such great frustration.
I take vitamins now and really work on taking care of me (I'm not that good at it but I work on it).
I do know what you mean and it is hard to think about.
Wild, we have NO idea when or if it is soon. my experience is the Ah has hep c a brain tumor removed, has been zapped back twice that i know of. He continues to allow the disease to make him miserable and everyone around him.
There is NO reason he is still here. I stopped even thinking about it. In fact sadly I wish he was out of his pain and misery. That bothers me the most.
If you can learn to put him in your Hp's hands, and let it all go, it makes life easier. I pictured mine in a fetal position in hp's hands.
They cont. becuz they are very sick. And yes the disease loves to be pampered back to use again...
so my dear, you make you comfy as you can. do your best to let go of that which is not controlable not unlike the waves in the ocean.
You know I came to a similar conclusion that Debilyn did a long time ago about the A I was with. He drove like a crazy person, crashed cars at least 6 times a year, crashed into people, ran did all kinds of crazy stuff. He has a life threatening illness and sleeps outside.
There is also no reason why he should be here. That made me even more confident it was all in HPs hands. I could do nothing except fume and be frustrated. I had to give him back to hp (who had him all the time anyways).
God works in mysterious ways. For some reason HP wants the ex A alive for a while. He has driven through all the lives anyone could have and then some.
I have my own life to live and find it really hard going. Maresie
How compassionate and affected. Aren't those two little indicators of how the spouses, family and friends of alcoholics and addicts become slaves to the cunning, powerful and baffling disease of alcoholism and then...God works in mysterious ways...more cunning, powerful and baffling than the disease. I also was convinced that my ex-alcoholic wife would die as a result of the disease. I never knew just how really close she came and will never know however I do have the memory of her getting into recovery in a way I could never imagine and then getting sober. I can be wrong mostly when I don't take into effect the existence of HP and the many and various ways HP can work without asking for my direction.
One of the characteristics of people, men, alcoholic people and alcoholic men is defiance, ego and pride supported by denial and hope that it "won't happen to me!!" That is what kept me driven until I reached the point where I could not move another inch with all the defects that kept my life unmanagable. I had the input from wife, family and friends and lots of others who crossed paths with me during the journey as the spouse of an alcoholic and the enabler of the disease in myself. I was wrong...they were wrong. This disease continues in spite of it's victims thoughts and feelings though I feel from experience that making known my honest feelings is important for my own recovery. If you express your feelings honestly to your alcoholic that you are afraid and because of that you are acting spiteful and angry he will have more information that may cause him to further self focus. Being afraid for and afraid of were fears I had to address in order to come to the courage of speaking them and putting my spirit at ease. I spoke myself out of fear and anger and was left with a reasonable compassion for my alcoholic wife and all others who suffer deeply in this disease. I use to enable her by shielding her from my feelings and by being dishonest about what the real feelings and thought were. Enablers don't use honesty for fear that they might hurt anothers feelings. I didn't have to go on and on about it. She had a very good memory and eyesight. Once I spoke it she remembered and usually before I remarked. I then and only then turned her over completely. When she got into recovery she because the poster child for me on humility. The picture of her doing a total surrender is a blessing and example for me. I was wrong and happy I was wrong.
Fear is the absence of love and love is the opposite of fear...for me. If I love I restrain unloving behavior with trust, hope and humility. It is in God's hands. Not theoretically by in reality. There is no compulsion for fear or actions of fear when I accept that without reservation (faith). When I restrain my unloving, fearful behavior it is also with compassion. How could I expect my sick wife to support my wants and expectations my ego and pride while she was under the influence of a life threatening chemical and disease. The program asks me if I would do that with a person who was suffering from cancer or diabetes? Yes I would if I selfishly put my needs and ego first.
He, the alcoholic, will defy. He, your husband would do something different. I had to learn to recognize the difference. When my wife defied the doctors and hospitals and the awareness of alcoholism I accepted her and her behavior as that of the alcoholic. When she did not and was treating herself and others with care, love and respect she was my wife and what a wife she was!! Alcohol and alcoholism is a very powerful mood and behavior altering chemical and compulsive disease. It is family wide, community wide, county wide, state wide, country wide and world wide. I am powerless over it and because of not having this program and what it teaches thru shared experiences, strengths and hope my life became totally unmanagable by trying to control, cure and believe that some how it was out to get me personally and I was the cause of it.
Do your program. It sound like you have a handle on it and may be concerned about some slipping or relapse in attitude and behaviors. Don't pick up the mallet of expectations and pound yourself with it because you are not working it perfectly. There is no such thing or no such person. You will not make the poster child for this program...this family will take you down from the billboard in a flash as you get honest...from my experience. You are human and another victim and spouse of the disease. You are one of us and you will get better beyond your wildest dreams as you continue to work the program inspite of his drinking or not. "Abandon yourself to God as you understand God..." If you are doing meetings as your mother in law to attend with you and turn her over again also.
The hardest thing about this disease is knowing that someday it could have killed my A. I was prepared to loose him to his disease, to cancer. I was not prepared to loose my Tim so suddenly. It's the hardest thing I've had to deal with. All I can tell you, is be gentle with yourself and cherish the moments (sober or not) you have with him. You know how much he loves you (as I did with mine) but the disease doesn't always let it show. It's that feeling of helplessness. Step 1 over and over again. Turn him over his HP that's all you can do. Meanwhile I'll say an extra prayer for you and your family. Much love and blessings to you both.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Don't beat yourself up. I have watched by reading your posts how this program has lifted you up. You have gone through more than most, but through it all you have been positive, relied on this program and your HP, be it your health problems or family problem. You have always used very sound judgement in my opinion.
You got your vent out. I hope you feel better, and my money is on you doing the next right thing. That has been your history so I "Ain't" betting against you Michelle.
One more think not to forget. Keep taking care of you.
You guys!! Thank you so much for the support. I think I just needed to vent and get things out of my head. It felt good to get it out AND get feedback. I know the reality is that he will probably out live me, given my own health issues. I just hope that it is years from now so that I can get our youngest raised and off to college. But if that doesn't happen I know that it is my HP's decision and that he has other plans for me. That is fine with me. I have come to accept that I have no control, even over my own health problems. I have to take it one day at time. It is the only way to cope with so many things that are going on in my life. I am just so glad that I have you guys to rely on to keep me grounded. I come here just about everyday to just gain some strength and remind myself that I am only human and we all have similar issues and we all persevere by chatting and sharing. This world is a much better place, for me, being here on this board. Thank you all!!!
