The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
If I drew a circle and made lines out from it expressing feelings it would look like a sunshine gone crazy.
All the surgeries are finished,knee....could not do the dead persons cartlidge plug ick as the missing cartlidge the llama destroyed is too much. you will need a knee replacement. I say,"when?"...."When you cannot stand the pain anymore."
Wrist, was bad, the nerves were all bundled so tight. So he believes it will be so much better. Have a splint for another month and do not carry buckets of feed! do not use a hammer, do not use a post driver. gads what is life with out that????
The second sleep study came up, Thursday night. Thursday morning my wisdom tooth was so bad I was going to get it out myself. Instead I went to a really neat tiny Chinese lady. Just her and her assistant who was on of my students!
I asked the assistant, how is she going to get this out??? I mean a tiny lady.
Assistant said,"Finess."
Well after "15" or more shots of deadener, she did some of one they don't like to use as it can damage nerves...jiggle jiggle pulls and jiggle. It was HORRIBLE. But I said just do it! Told her not to worry about me, I can take it....uh!!!!!
OMG. but it was over. famous last words.
Ok go to where the sleep study is. am too early. so ate a neat vegie meal in the Cafeteria.
Went up met the guy who would be watching me, putting sensors on etc. I felt uneasy, he was surely a perv. I know to trust my intuition.
So I wait in the room for him to come and tell me the plan. I finally after a frigging hour hunted him down. found I could take a shower and relax and wait. I showered with the light off. he is a perv.
He starts putting on sensors. some are already on these sticky pads, but the idiot tapes them. It is on my file, no tape. allergies. I tell him. "Oh no he says this is not allergenic tape." I said ok we will see.
I cannot go to sleep, mask is way too big, is bugging my eyes, and is on top of the glue and tape. hurts.
After waking and telling him to no avail. I used the P word I was PPPPPP*****sed.
Even said the S word. If you know me it is NOT my style. I am a patient, smiling, earth mother that does not take any crap.
four am and I am taking the frigging stuff off. He comes in and says the sleep study is over, I said YES IT IS. I got 4.5 hours if sleep and that is by couting every 30 seconds of sleep, not clear thru continual sleep.
I said to him you have been doing this 6 years and you don't know how to do this without tape?? the last time it was great, no prob. different guy.
He made some stupid excuse, I said hey I am 55 years old, a college graduate, I know when I am being played. he mumbled and left
I had been awake off and on all that time, the tape was awful.
he says I will take it off, I said no you will not.He had it in my hair! on my face, I have a bad bad bruise from my knee to my ankle yes the surgery knee. a pig I was rescueing pushed under the board I was holding, the board scraped all the way up my leg breaking a zillion vessels. He pushed the sensors so hard I had two round bruises over bruises.
He started to YANK them off. I said NO I will do it!! I never ever answered him after that.
omg. now my pulled tooth area was awful too. My face is swollen
doc comes in. was horrified, sends in the director who tells me I am not the only one he was inappropriate too.
I was exausted, in pain, a mess. the guy comes in to show me the cpap. He does not get that I am so exausted I kept closing my eyes.
Gets irritated when I cannot get the machine apart. duh I have my right hand in a splint and my fingers are numb.
says I seem a frustrated and angy. huh??? gads. He explained to me 3 times how to wash the stupid water reservoir spell?
OMG I am not 5 years old. I know how bacteria grows and why.I can read a frigging manual anyway I am sure by now the clenching of my teeth is NOT helping my mouth.
Ok I hit the great food coop got some real food, I mean already made like home soy lasagna, this neat filo paper ricotta cheese, onion, spinach yummy stuff and more
home, was an ok night. wake up to honking. dang dogs figured out how to get out in a very small area I made dog proof until I can finish my good fence.
"neighbor" is yelling at me from his truck. I yell back, "so come help me!!" COME HELP ME!!!
He drives off, probably goes to church every sunday, thinks of himself as christian, sees in the Bible hears it also, we are to help widows. PLUS we are to love our neighbors as ourselves.
He must have missed that sunday.
I am Always taking peoples animals back home. I feel humbled to help.
now what? what are my options? can't move further away. not going to shoot me.
soooo I layed down, came here, read about Jerry.
Bible study. Going to put a SIGN up by the road. to my loving neighbors, please come help me with my fence, I really need help. Yelling at me is not helping. Love,your neighbor, the widow......
betcha they just laugh and go home to their "family." love,deb
Like I said, "I care". My ESH? I also use to fight wars. Lost every one of them and left bodies laying all around behind me while moving to the next one. Then came the slogans that I needed so very badly and created a mantra and a trusing behavioral system to act them out. I did more...as much as I could to "get it". I let go of all justifications and reasoning that held me in the "I'm different mode" and HUMBLY surrendered my part in the wars. Then and only then did my life start to change in ways beyond my imagination. Faith and trusting? I used total surrender and allowed my dentist to do a root canal without novocaine. It was insane even to him and after it was over he asked me "How'd you do that? You didn't even twitch!" In short I told him how I had detached/surrendered myself and left the room as he drilled and drilled.
Another time I was face to face with a co-worker ready to violate his mind, body, soul and spirit and I surrendered again and let it all go and sat in a chair in his office and apologized to him while announcing that I could no longer continue to fight all the stuff I thought was hurting me. His reply?..."I thought I was dead." How sad.
The tap root was fear. False Evidence (how I thought and perceived things) Appearing Real. It was all false evidence. Life and the people in it were not all trying to hurt me. Most all of them (especially here on this board) were caring and concerned. When I started believing the latter rather than the former my life entered the demilitarized zone...the peace talks. I took off the armor and camos and changed my part in the whole thing. That was the only part I could change...all of me.
I read how veggies really up your attitude and change your dynamics. Maybe there are some solutions in that. For me I don't trust carrots. they are long, pointed, hard and have a strange orange color to them. My mom used to warn me about objects like that...they could take my eye out if I am not careful with them. LOL
Be gentle with yourself and others. We're all we have. (((((hugs)))))
Debilyn: I have my times of frustration too. I really do. I can get up to my eyes in stuff in a minute. I am longing for the end of the year, don't like the holidays.
) I just can't function well.