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it was safe to go into the water... No this isn't a recap of "Jaws". I offered myself up to the gods of relapse and got hooked. Happened so fast and with all of my help that I almost got a high on the adrenalin.
All I had to do was go to the airport and pick up my wife from an incoming flight after attending her youngest son's wedding. Perfectly innocent. We had the plan and the times. It was soooo simple. Got to the airport in time and because of a 10 minute airline delay was a bit early. Time enough to go to hell in a hand basket. I pulled up to the arrivals section and was greeted by airport security who nicely said I could wait just where I was at. Didn't know yet that she would be 10 minutes delayed. Decided to go around rather than stay and get anyone uneasy. (little did I know I was the ticking bomb). Came back to the same area and waited some minutes more. Man pulled up in his truck; left the truck alone and went into the airport terminal on the run just knowing he wasn't supposed to..... I judged him as non-caring and a defiant person (I know about this...I can teach it). He came back two surfboards, loaded and left. A male security person approached me and nicely related that I'd been hanging for a while I might as well do another go around. I told him that would be a good Idea "I wouldn't leave my vehicle alone" inferring about the "other guy" and did another go around. My wife calls on my cell and she has landed going to get her bags. This is a lazy Sunday evening with few people around and not New York. It's Hilo Hawaii and it's slooooow. So I get back to the arrival area and my wife tells me she's yet to get the bags and I decide to do yet another go around just for grins and time and no one getting upset. How clueless I was and deaf to the ticking of the fuse. Anyhow I get back to the arrival and wife isn't waiting and I'm not anxious cause it will be just a minute for sure; HOWEVER...my higher power shows up dressed up in a security outfit and as a young female at that...go figure!! She starts doing her job. I gotta leave; and then she owns me. I tried a little chatter asking for 2 minutes. NO! the sign says. I've been around three times already. NO! the sign says and that is what you're supposed to do. I go for sympathy..."Gas is at 3.99 per gallon. Another NO...it doesn't matter you have to do what the sign says. I didn't feel the shackles and my wife just came to the car. "You shouldn't have came early" my higher power said. Sloooowly I turned, "What are you into. Practicing your power and control" I asked? She attempted to say a bit more and I shut her down with a bit of local language. It's what I use to say to regain my balance and it is why I have to go to the airport and do another go around. I did so once this morning and my ex-higher power wasn't at work. I had already let the feelings of guilt urge me to disclose the slip at my early morning meeting. I will go do another go around and seeing her I will apologize for what I did. I had even asked her if I looked like a bomber to her. LOL if she had said yes it might have woke me up sooner. Already did the apology to my wife. She just doesn't feel very comfortable around me when I decide to let someone yank my chain. At the least the wedding and visit with family went very well for her.
Progress not perfection heh?
Any feedback will be welcomed. With love in service. (((((hugs)))))
I had an experience like that once, but I as I went around I ended up on the on the freeway in my future mother-in-law's brand new car. I then parked in a permit-only (you'll get a big fine if you park here) lot, and proceeeded to just run and get lost in a sea of people at the San Francisco Airport. A place that is anything but slooooow.... What a horrible memory. I was only 18 and it was pre anything Aism. At the time I just cried at the trauma. If I were to experience it now, I can see how easy it would be to get ticked off and blame the late passenger, my boyfirend who left me in the car, the impatient security guard with the big baton, the ignorant people who don't follow rules, the cautious government officials, Osama Bin Laden......
I am sorry you must be removed as the Poster Child of Al-Anon. Rest assured I won't be replacing you. To slip and then be able to recognize it and deal accordingly, well, I think that can be just as powerful and valuable as not slipping at all. Also, its a good reminder of how it doesn't always take chaos and dysfunction to draw us in. Sometimes we can be our own worst enemy, huh?
Thanks for sharing, Jerry. Yep, progress not perfection, that is for sure.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Ahh, this is truly one of life's great disappointments, as I had propped my friend Jerry onto the highest of pedestals - one worthy of King Kamehameha (sp?) and all others before him..... But alas, Jerry is human, and mortal.... say it ain't sooooooooo!!!!!!
Smiling in (not so) sunny BC.... I'm also imagining you driving to Hilo airport today, with an offer of an apology, and perhaps a nice fresh pineapple to show your apology is sincere.....
Take care, and next time you are wanting to "explode", lean on your friends here!!! :)
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You know the ex A made a scene almost every time he came to meet me. He had no ability to wait or give me some space. I used to resent him so deeply about this. Your story gave me an idea of some of what he went through.
Neverftheless i do have to say that I am so glad I don't have to deal with this anymore. Dealing with the "scenes" was so draining. Now I just have to do everything myself and guess what its much easier.
dearest friend, I thought of you when I read and reread your post to "get it." Remember I am a mountain coutry mouse, who avoids this worldly world at all costs...
Airport? ARE YOU KIDDING??? From what I have heard it is you are guilty and what in the world are YOU doing here???
Ya it is criminal to wait for your precious wife to get to the pickup area. I do know at the Airport here, they have a shuttle you can get on and it takes ya to the parking lot to point abcdefg where ever to meet your car or whatever. So I would plan that next time maybe?
Or here is a better idea. Put on your hula outfit the men wear, put on a cd of your hula music and dance so you can really be just putting on a show for the security person!! They would be so enthralled in your talent and love, they would do anything for you!! oh and that body!!! (o: If that does not work, had her a hula thing and ask her to dance??? Do ya have a friend with a handicapped sticker in their car?
OH for petes sake Jerry. I do know the slips. Also I know the going back and apoligising. Now forgive you. Besides a hot passionate man is actually kinda neat. Better than a wus.
Don't come early?? Gads from what I have heard they tell you to come hours early. Plus flights are always late or something.
The world is cockeyed, in a hurry all about greed.Hurry to get that money, time is money.
rrrrrr
I do see your concern though, and you addressed it. That is what makes us have alanon. Hon we are never "cured." We are going to blow it. Face it.
Hey set a chair in front of you and put a cute picture of you on it.Then say to that imperfect but great man what you would say to your best friend.
Go snorkle, hug grandkids, kiss your wife, play with your animals,eat a yummy vegetarian meal, then all that "oops" will seem very small in comparison...
In saying that here is the song, and my hug, yours,debilyn
"Signs"
V1 And the sign said long haired freaky people need not apply So I tucked my hair up under my hat and I went in to ask him why He said you look like a fine upstanding young man, I think you'll do So I took off my hat I said imagine that, huh, me working for you
woah!
Chorus:
Sign Sign everywhere a sign Blocking out the scenery breaking my mind Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign
V2 And the sign said anybody caught trespassing would be shot on sight So I jumped on the fence and yelled at the house, Hey! what gives you the right To put up a fence to keep me out or to keep mother nature in If God was here, he'd tell you to your face, man you're some kinda sinner
Repeat Chorus:
Bridge:
Now, hey you Mister! can't you read, you got to have a shirt and tie to get a seat You can't even watch, no you can't eat, you ain't suppose to be here Sign said you got to have a membership card to get inside Uh!
V3 And the sign said everybody welcome, come in, kneel down and pray But when they passed around the plate at the end of it all, I didn't have a penny to pay, so I got me a pen and a paper and I made up my own little sign I said thank you Lord for thinking about me, I'm alive and doing fine
This family is soooo easy to love. Your humor reminds me to not take myself soooo seriously. Human...for God's sake I get it. Poster child for Al-Anon... that one will keep me laughing for weeks. Thanks so much for the humility lesson the expectation is further growth. CG you do know that a woman's empathy is more endearing to a man than from someone from the same tribe. I am grateful for your growth.
Maresie...for all the times I also was stuck in self and ego and pride and would arrogantly hold on to what wouldn't work in spite of who I hurt in the process I apologize. When my pride and ego kick in there is no room for "others" and your ESH reminds me that it only thru humility that I can grow and that early program was exactly right....The opposite of arrogance is humility and the result is peace of mind and serenity.
Deb...you are special and I think of you randomly from time to time and it is because ...surprise...!! I care. I don't do a lot of veggies. Probably because they just stand there and don't fight back or try to run away. They are too easy to hunt down, skin and gut. As my post related...I like a good fight even when I have to start it myself for any reason at all.
I need to do another "go around" at the airport. She wasn't at work the last time and unfinished work it has become.
This family is the best I have ever had. Thanks HP for caring for me.
The A who I was has no humility. I imagine he is in desperate straits right now. He has never ever ever said "sorry" not once. If he does is/was in a flippant way. His manner is to call and demand I take care of him. I don't of course, not anymore. I did though oh I did for years.
I am changing too. I manage to live and let live more. I find it hard going.
I also find it very very very hard to self care. Complete bewilderment some days.
Jerry F, Two things you must always remember. One of them is real easy to remember. Our HP is always is control. The other one we tend to forget on ocassions. It is the guy or gal in a uniform that thinks and acts like they have more power and control than our HP, all the stars put together, or a bottle of good whiskey in front of an active alocholic.
Actually I have been thinking about it, trying to decide if I want to be one when I grow up and "get big" because most of us in Al-Anon dearly love being in control. Have a good day.
Hey Jerry, you are so loved here and so am I. Its a fine little world we have here. We fall down and we pick each other up over and over and over. Its so simple and I am grateful for your presence here, warts and all, my friend. Total unconditional acceptance. Much aloha, J.
Even as you teach us lessons and walk the walk, I find so much humor in your "not so humorous" situation. Bless you. I can just picture you randomly driving around looking for that security offer and I chuckle.
Why this evening on my way home from the big city at the end of a very long few days each week that I go to work and then directly to school, I take my own "shortcuts" That means rather than wait patiently in long lines of traffic like everyone else, I go in the right lane (permissible) which leads to a side alley and through a parking lot into the route where there's no traffic and a wide open berth for me and my ole car to muddle through with get this a green light even . I chuckled to myself this evening as said "God do you think I'm a scofflaw (like my boys call me)?"
Thanks for your ever thought-provoking shares.
love in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Oh my! I have really been struggling about a week with the flu and falling behind in school work, getting myself all worked up over the perfectionism defect that loves to pop up, and I was absolutely howling down through this thread!
I'll never be able to look at any poster without grinning now, envisioning Jerry in a grass skirt at the airport!
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I don't know about the rest of my MIP family, but I would pay good money to see you in a grass skirt! Thank you for showing your human side. I always knew you had it in you. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty (who would happily bring you mice if you were to put on a grass skirt!)
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
(((Jerry))) .. don't beat yourself up too badly .. our airport can be so unnerving - the kind of unnerving only Hilo people can truly understand .. I mean, it takes less than a minute to do the drive around thing so you haven't eaten up any time but to go clear across to the cell phone parking lot or the parking lot proper takes way too much time .. it's enough to drive Gandhi insane sometimes ;) ...
What I *do* give you serious props for - and the biggest thing I'm taking with me from reading of your experience - is the fact that you went back to apologize. *That* is the kind of humility I need to learn and practice and will attempt to attempt. (Remember, I'm a beginner - I'm just giving myself some leeway LOL).
And Family - I might be able to get a picture of Jerry in a grass skirt one day .. you never know .. come on, Jer' .. whaddaya say? If you're cooperative I'll buy you a pizza .. ;)
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"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self." -Aristotle
. I chuckled to myself this evening as said "God do you think I'm a scofflaw (like my boys call me)?"