The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As you all know I am more than one year out from leaving the A. I am in a big mess financially and one of the only ways I can get out of it is to take on another job which is huge for me. I am already tired and feel resourceless.
I am making progress in lots of ways. I say no now to lots of things. No to being involved with dysfunctional people, no to the mess some people make in my house, no to being enmeshed (which is really all I know).
Today I have to admit I was feeling a little sorry for myself. I am alone again for the holidays and will have to cobble something together (please don't tell me to volunteer - I am volunteered out). I have to put together a huge amount of effort to get more things sorted out. There is no white knight on the horizon (thank god!).
Then I cam here and realize while I do have to deal with chaos at work (inevitable) and things I don't really want to do, I am more in charge of my life than ever. I am more wiling to be in the reality I'm in. I no longer even consider having the A be part of my life. He called again on the weekend, no over reaction this time. I just switch the phone to airplane mode. No more ceasless voice mails and hang ups for me. I feel absolutely no sense of responsibility for him anymore (what an incredible feat). I no longer have to deal with incredible toxic resentment towards his mess he lays at the doorstep because I don't open the door, a crack, an inch, at all. He doesn't get in!
Yes I do have a great deal of work to do and who would want to do it. But I do have the greatest company in the world to do it with (you all who I would never be without for anything anymore!).
Thank you for reminding me I don't need to feel sorry for myself.
One of the great things about Alanon is that there is a "before and after". We can always look back and see where we were and then think about where we are. It's always an improvement and accomplishment. That's just one of the many gifts of the program. I hope when the Holidays come you'll see how far you've come and give yourself a huge pat on the back. Maybe you won't be where you dream of being but you certainly aren't where you were. And that's awesome!!!
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I think a huge part of my future work is to stop acting and feeling like a victim. I certainly was victimized and am not on survival. I have to stop acting like a victim because it sets me up.
Gosh, I love your boundaries. I wish I could be a little more strict with my Ahsober. Have you heard of the law of attraction? Our vibes attract what we put out there. Attract more money? Better people? Put the vibes out there.
Maresie, this has been an inspiring string. Thank you for your post. Yes, behind every single boundary is a HECK of alot of self-care. I never thought of it that way! Thanks! J.
