The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I hope you can give me some clarity about how I am feeling. I have been doing pretty well the past week in not feeling the desire to call my ex ABF who has been gone from our house for 8 weeks now. Our last contact was a week and a half ago. He asked if we could go to dinner and I told him I didn't think it was a good idea. He asked if I could just say "maybe" and so I did, but I have not contacted him since. I cannot help but be curious about how he is doing--is he sober, drinking, did he move into his new apartment, is he thinking about me, about us??? I am starting to crave him--in that weird way--and I'm sure everyone on here understands that feeling. I want to call him and just reach out to him. I want to know how he is doing.
Aside from that, I have had a few people ask me why I am going to F2F meetings now that we're broken up and he's out of my life. I am starting to doubt my attendance now. Is it normal for someone to continue to attend meetings after the relationship ends? I mean, I didn't even start going consistently until he was gone (before that I went a couple of times--wish I had gone more then!!!).
Thanks for your input. It's always good to hear from others on here!
I can only give you my ESH. The way I dealt with my cravings was to deliberately not know what the ex A was doing. The less I knew the better. So I did not speak to his friends, family and deliberately avoided the places he might be. I have kept that up for quite a long time now.
I personally found I needed the program more than ever when I was out of the relaitonship. Now I could concentrate on me.
I missed the A incredibly for a long long time. Then I was very very very angry with him. I am still grieving. For me it was my longest relationship. I have much much work to do on myself.
"Is it normal for someone to continue to attend meetings after the relationship ends?"
My relationship with an alcoholic was ending when I started Al-anon 4 and a half years ago. I was divorced before I had been coming one year. I too got those questions, and still do occassionally as to why I continue to go to Al-anon meetings.
My answer is always the same. Because I go for me, and because I want to be there for the newcomers, like someone was there for me when I started going.
Al-anon is for me. Not for getting anyone else to stop drinking. Not for saving a relationship with someone else.
I have learned more about myself, about how to live a life filled with peace and happiness the last 4 years than I had the previous 42.
I continue to go because it helps me to keep the focus on the things in my life I can control and the things in my life that I cannot.
And afterall, its all about me!
Seriously though, every aspect of my life is better for being in this program. ALL of my relationships are healthier and happier. I have referred to al-anon as life-anon, because it has and continues to give me simple, beautiful, spiritual guidelines to live by, and some of the best friends and family members I could have ever dreamed to have!
M, you said you missed your husband for an incredibly long time and then that you were very angry. I am in an angry place, too. Some times it's worse than others. My A and I own a house together. We were on the marriage track. I'm glad we didn't make that mistake, but I wonder if we had if we'd be apart now...would it have been so easy for him to leave? I have to admit that living with him was horrible, though, so I should focus on what is and not what I wanted things to be. He and I could not have fun anymore. Everything was screwed up for a lack of a better description.
I sometimes walk around this house and cannot believe that he's actually gone and that I don't know a thing about him or what he is doing. It's torture at times.
My one great fear is that I'm always going to wonder about him and never be able to move on completely. I am afraid of how this experience will affect my next relationship. The whole thing is just so complicated--more than I ever thought. It's very sad. I love(d)? him.
Thanks again for listening. It always helps to talk.
Yes it's normal to m iss them and the chaos , and yes keep going to meetings Your life has been affected by alcoholism and u need to recover too , if u don't u will find another alcoholic --- trust me on that one . it's ok to love an alcoholic don't get me wrong but its best if were a little healthier and have boundaries firmly in place for any new relationships . keep going , this is a prog for living -- your life - al anon principles are a great way to live . and works in all relationships . hang in there don't quit now . Louise
Yeah, I know what you mean about the craving and its like an alcoholic craving the alcohol.
I still crave the extreme feelings sometimes. Its weird, though. I can look at it from a bit apart. I can see others doing it and getting into it. For me, now, its almost as if I am looking at someone else when I am looking at myself craving, in the middle of the craving. usually I get to feel very lonely and sad and am filled with self-pity and very strong feelings when i am craving. I separate from myself when this happens and just observe myself and then I can manage to laugh at myself a little and put my arm around myself and chalk it up to one more day and move on.
I do not crave a specific "him" anymore, its all just a faceless blur because they are all exactly the same! Its like there is nothing at all personal or unique. Its like "he" is just this phantom of ever changing faces. That is when I know I am in the realm of distorted thinking. Hugs, J.
The Getting Them Sober books really help avoid the traps that the A's set, like "say maybe". All sounds so simple. Instead of him occupying your mind, fill it with Alanon. Call an Alanoner or go to a meeting. Good reinforcement.
