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My AsoberBF moved back in a few weeks ago after 3 months of separation from me so we could both work on our recoveries (him AA,me AlAnon). After much thought, discussion and belief in myself and him, I let him move back home and was really specific about what I could deal with and what I couldn't. I don't see this as controlling, I see it as healthy boundries for me and my son; no drinking and no lying. That was it. Well, I'm sure people can guess what happened. All the promises to go to meetings, do this and that never happened. He wasn't drinking but lied to me the other day about where he was. I just don't accept this and as much as I go through my books, meetings etc. I just feel as though this is one disease I can't emotionally deal with. The lies kill me and any feelings I have for him. I have thought long and hard and realize that I just can't get past the fact that this will be my lot in life if I choose to stay with an alcoholic, regardless of whether he is sober. He has that personality; he says he only told a "little white lie to avoid being bitched at". Well, I guess in his mind that is justified, but to me it is just another blow to my trust. I have gotten a storage unit to move his stuff out, changed my locks and am coming to terms with this relationship being over. The problem is, he can't seem to believe that I am seriously ending things because he told a "little white lie". He has made me feel like I am crazy and not being rationale. My head is spinning. I know that in my gut I can't live with someone who lies to me, even about little things. I wasn't prepared for this behavior to continue but after learning about the disease of alcoholism, I am seeing that the behaviors are part of their personality. I'm sad that I had such an unrealistic expectation of how it would be once he was sober, but I can't be blamed for wanting certain things in a relationship; mainly trust and respect. I have come a long way in the past few months with the help of Alanon's steps, principles and going to meetings but I am starting to doubt whether I am "over the top" and "blowing things out of proportion". I know I am probably putting expectations on him that he can never live up to, but I don't feel like they are not valid; trust and respect. Why should I not expect that in a relationship? I am really second guessing myself here and feel a tug of war with reading all this literature on forgiveness and working on myself, but on the other hand knowing what I can and can't live with and following through with that. Sorry for rambling, it is harder than I thought it would be.
Hi, It sounds like you know what it the right thing is. I think you also know it is not the "white lie" in and of itself that is making you end the relationship, but all that it represents. It is just more of the same from the past, and a sign of what the future holds. And remember, an A can justify anything.
That self-doubt is a killer. I also was disappointed to discover that I had an unrealistic expectation of sobriety. What I have learned from the recovered couples I know, is that true recovery takes a lot of work and a lot of time, and the time seems to be measured in years, not months.
I am sorry you are going through this. Really, you sound quite healthy in that you know what you can and cannot live with. Your A not being able to adhere to your boundries right now, doesn't mean you are "over the top" or "blowing things out of proportion", it means he is an A still sick in the disease. You (and your son) absolutely deserve trust and respect. You can still work on forgiveness and on yourself while giving yourself what you need and should have.
I hope you are going to f2f meetings. Keep coming back.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Sounds like you set some pretty simple and reasonable (for you and your son) boundaries. Any boundary that we set for ourselves that involves the behavior/actions of another human being will be seen as "controlling" by them. And of course it is in a way...but, ultimately it is for our well being that the boundary exists. They get to make the choice...do I live with the boundary/attempt at control or not?
When I first started trying to set boundaries for me it was so hard. I too would second guess myself. Ultimately I was told to look at my motives. Are they pure? Are they for me or just to try to force someone else to change.
Recovery takes time. Like Lou said, this can take years.
It is also to be expected when folks who are not used to us (or anyone) putting in place boundaries for ourselves...they don't like it one bit. The Disease certainly tolerates NO boundaries which might prevent it from achieving it's objective.
You wrote:
"I am really second guessing myself here and feel a tug of war with reading all this literature on forgiveness and working on myself, but on the other hand knowing what I can and can't live with and following through with that".
Someone told me once, being forgiving does not mean being a doormat. We can forgive, and we should for our own well being, but that does not mean we have to accept unacceptable behavior.
I have always been advised to turn those kind of decisions over to my Higher Power and to wait until I feel I know His will for me.
Like, Lou also, I hope you are attending meetings for you.
I know what I have to do to provide a healthy home for myself and my son. I have been afraid of letting go when I have known in my gut that for me, I need more from someone than what I was getting. I feel guilty. I wanted him to be someone he "could be", not is. My motives? I guess looking at the reason I let him come back; did I really think we could make it work,,,yes in my heart but no in my head. It is gut wrenching for me to get the texts and messages telling me how he has nowhere to go, has slept in his car etc. but I also feel like I can't keep being responsible for everything in a grown man's life, and have to step back and not let this make me feel guilty. I go to meetings now and get some comfort from them so together with that, and this board I am trying to get through this. thanks so much for "listening"
(Masspedirm) Never forget it is progress not prefection, and in your own words you have made progress. That is all any of us can do and that is all that is expected. Yes, it will get better if we continue to work the program. (Hugs) RLC
one thing, in my experience, there is no such thing as a little lie. No different than there is not a little dead.
He is who is faithful in the least is faithful in much.
He who is unfaithful in the least is unfaithful in much. This is my experience. This is from The Bible.
They sadly can manipulate us. You are staying strong, sticking to your boundaries. Your experience knew darn well if you did not have new boundaries things would go right back to where they were.
He just showed you that they did. He is lieing, not taking your boundaries serious.
Yes it is horribly hard. Familiar always seems easier than going for the challenge of change. In the long run however, I learned in my old age, challenge is how I grow.
good for you for making boundaries and sticking to them. It helps your child to respect you and know he can trust you as you do not lie, you mean what you say.
When he needs you, he will come to you.
The A is sick hon. I am not sorry at all that I put the A out for good, no matter what.
I understand how you feel, lying is a big deal to me. I go out of my way to be honest to myself and others and it's not easy. It seems like everyone tells 'lil white lies' and I'm talking about everyone not just A's. Take a basic example: Ppl lie on their resumes so they look better to potential employers ~ I mean ppl I think are honest and then there it is, on a resume.
Society tells us, lil white lies are standard, normal, acceptable. As individuals we have to determine what is right for us. I don't think you're crazy for wanting what you want and I understand the rationale, 'if they would lie "to not be bitched at" they would lie about anything.' For a while, it seemed like non-alanons (the rest of the world) couldn't handle my truth b/c 'everyone' lies and I wondered if I would ever be in a relationship again... the lying drives me insane and I have no respect for it, so obviously I couldn't be with someone that lied.
I am not sure why you feel terrible about sticking to your boundary, if this is how you feel inside and this is what you are striving for, feel good about it. Feel good that you are doing what is right for you.
I don't know if you have ever seen the 6 guidelines for setting boundaries but in reading your post, it seems to me you were very clear to ur Abf about it. I will post them below. I have used these guidelines to set boundaries in all areas of my life for myself and others and they work ~ you just have to be sure about it before you implement them so that you can stick to them.
So why do you feel badly about sticking to it? You certainly deserve to create the life that you want.
6 GUIDELINES for SETTING BOUNDARIES
1. Have clearly defined expectations. 2. Clearly defined consequences that don't disrupt your serenity. 3. Set them clearly. 4. Communicate them clearly. 5. Enforce them consistently. 6. Without regard to the relationship (release any expectations of the outcome).
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Kitty, to answer your question of why I feel so terrible about setting my boundries; I don't know. I am getting the standard "poor me, I love you and now you're doing this over something so stupid", "I have no where to go" etc. He is pushing my buttons. I feel guilty about taking away his "everything" as he puts it(it is my home he lives in, I pay the bills, paid for his car, take care of his son's needs when he is with us). But I try to remind myself that he is a grown man and fully capable of being responsible for his own life for a change, not depending on me for everything as he has done the past 2 yrs. I allowed it so I am fully aware of my part in this. But now that I have seen the dynamics of why our relationship wasn't working and my part in his continued dependance on me, I am changing. My boundries were clear and were what I need to feel secure and happy in a relationship; for me there is no middle ground, you are either honest or your not. After a year of lies and making me think I was crazy for accusing him of things, he finally admitted he had been lying to me all along and he knew this was a huge issue. I had never been in a relationship with someone who had an addiction so I didn't understand why my life had become so unmanageble. Enter Alanon and it has been such a help. I don't know why it is so hard for me to let go of this person and this destructive relationship, it baffles me. I have always been very independant and just can't see myself continuing on this path with him. I want to thank eveyone who is giving me their ESH because it DOES make a difference. thank you :)
What stood out for me in your initial post was the reason he gave for telling the lie, to avoid your bitching. He didn't take responsibility and say "I'm sorry it was wrong to lie". He turned it around and blamed it on you, somehow made it your fault for his choice to lie. Now, you're taking away his everything? To me, that says volumes. No accountability on his part, manipulation and disregaurd for the simplest of boundaries. Don't doubt yourself and please have no guilt for wanting happiness and trust in your life and in your partner.
I am guessing that much of his manipulation stems from being insecure and fearfull of the unknown. It sounds like you have previously taken care of his financial needs. Since that is what he is used to he is attempting to guilt you in to continuing.
Like you said, he's a grown man. As my son says "It's time to man up!" Perhaps the kindest thing you will ever do for him is to cause him to find his own indepenance.
Listen to your heart and it's needs, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I can remember the day (yes, it hit me one day) when I realized that I could not live with an A. I simply could not physically do it. BECAUSE of my background, it was completely impossible for me. It hit me so hard, yet it was such a relief. To finally come to this conclusion and realize that I needed to take good loving care of myself and NOT live with any alcoholics anymore. Plain and simple. And in the end, this is exactly what I told him. There was nothing more to say or do. Hugs, J.
