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I woke up in he middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep. My kids and I and AH went to my sister and brother in laws to celebrate his birthday tonight. My AH doesn't ever drink at home or on the week-end, I guess to make me believe that either he's not drinking or that he has it under control. Either way it was because my youngest insisted that my AH would go that he came with us. My sister had a baby about two months ago (her first) and he had yet to see her. I hadn't asked him to go because generally he doesn't like doing anything with us and he complains and makes it seem like a chore to him. Being with my new niece brings back memories of when my kids were little and how happy we were then. Was it all my delusion, who this man was? My AH has a huge desdainment towards me, our marriage has turned into a mix of alcohol, avoidance and resentment. He was being very verbally abusive and has stopped about two months ago. He is just back to complaining about me or the kids and how I don't discipline them and calling my son a punk who was so hurt and cried. At least he apologizes to him the next day. My youngest asked me one day if dad hated people, because he walks around mad at the world most of the time. My sadness comes when I think how hateful he can be towards me. This man has said and done countless bad things to me, and as resentful as I feel I am more deeply hurt of the little compassion in his heart. I have showed him compassion so many times. His mother was at deaths door about 10 months ago he hadn't spoken to her in 11 years, his mother and sister always blamed me for the falling out. But, I was the one that would encourage him to call and get in touch and he wouldn't make any effort. After many years and even arguing over it I gave up, it wasn't my mother or my relationship. When she got hurt I encouraged him to go to the hospital and even though I wanted to go too his sister refused for me to be there. It was very hurtful because I never did anything to cause their situation. Yet I put my feelings a side and was there for him and anything else that was needed. He would use the excuse of going to see his mother in the hopital to stay out and drink, but I still stood by him and them through a difficult time. After she made a miraclous recovery we went to see her and now their relationship is right back to where it was. I look at him and say who is this man? I am astounded how after all the things he has done that he walks around with a nasty attitude towards me. If nothing else he could treat me with the respect. No matter how angry I get with him I am always willing to be there for him when he has asked me, I never scream or belittle him or complain about how he is or is not doing something. I feel very alone right now, and self-pity and jealous of other married couples that have what I want in a sober relatioship. Couples that go out with friends, that admire each other that have a companion. I think my inability to judge well will never let me achieve this, or sometimes I feel that it is not in the cards for me. I don't want to believe that but it's hard not to. I know that I am rambling but a flood of emotions came out tonight and I am so tired of feeling sad. Thanks for listening. Olga [spoiler]
I feel for you, and I, too, recall wanting to fix myself and the situation .... on my own. Couldn't be done. Before al-anon, my home away from home was the self-help section at the local bookstore and I bought stacks of books... A sick mind trying to cure a sick mind. Can't be done.
I also spent thousands on counseling. (I thought all counselors understood addiction.) For all that money, I never got any tools.
The best way I EVER took care of myself, was dragging myself to the meetings, even when I didn't want to. That ACTION brought miraculous results. Meeting makers make it!
You gotta trust the 12 steps and work it. You will see miracles. You will sleep through the night.
-- Edited by glad lee at 08:56, 2008-10-12
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
(Olga) Back off and take a deep breath. As some members stated in an earlier post of yours there is nothing you can go about the A in your life. It's the disease not you, not the kids, not anyone. I repeat it is the disease. No amount of complaining, stressing, crying is going to change the fact that your husband is an alcoholic and the disease is in control of his life. You have done nothing to cause him to drink, and you can do nothing to stop him. But you can start taking care of yourself.
Most everyone on this board has been exactly where you are now, and did not have a clue as to what to do. I like many others was lucky because I found Al-Anon f2f meetings. Local meetings, and I surrounded myself around people who were going through or had gone through the very problems in was experiencing. They cared and shared their ESP with me and I soaked as much of it in as I possibly could. I "can not" express to you how important f2f meetings were for me and could or will be for you. That is your choice and only you can make it. I wish I could say or do something that would encourage you to give it a try.
Please consider typing first "Al-Anon meeting" in the search bar at the top of this page. Give yourself 15 minutes and read as many post on the subject as you can. Then take another deep breath and let it sink in. Take care of yourself first. That is my ESP to you. (((HUGS))) RLC
Hello Olga , I assume u are not attending meetings for yourself , please find support from people who undersand you and can share how they got thru what your going thru now . I heard many times that an alcoholic hates themselves so much that they treat us the way they feel about them selves ., they feel unlovable and therefore push everyone away who shows them love and understanding . this is a disease and it has many nasty symptoms , You spoke of a lesson I learned the hard way , u encouraged him to renew relationship with his mom and sister so they both blame you , interesting isn't it . I learned to stay out of other peoples stuff , I was a fixer too wanted every one to be happy hppy happy and always wondered why I ended up being the one everyone was mad at . go figure . so today I stay out of other peoples stuff. period . You need help and support please find meetings , do it for you your worth the effort . u will learn to detach from his nasty outbursts and walk away it is insantiy to sit and listen to someone run us down over and over again . booze talk ignore it . no point in t rying to make him understand or justify why u do what u do , he has already made up his mind that he is right so let it go . detach hate the disease love the man . Louise
Sounds very much like my relationship with the EX A. I alway stood by him. Eventually I started working the program. Please if you have a chance read Getting them Sober.
I think your A's famiily sounds much like my ex's too. I am so very grateful I no longer have to deal with that.
