The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today my A BF's parents bailed him out $15,000 of gambling debt, he talked to his folks all morning and then came to me with a 15-minute wrap-up (just to tell me how wonderful his life is now), then left to run errands all day and is still not home. He's all like, "I'm cured and out of debt and life is great now!" and just forgets that the last week of my life with him has been utter hell. I told him I was close to the end of my rope but he really doesn't see my needs in all this. He was like, "Um hum, but see now I have to work on ME, and I can because I am out of debt and so much happier! So get over yourself!"
I had a terrible day. I am 8.5 months pregnant and at work my computer systems broke down on deadline so I had to work 10 hours to get back on track and try to salvage what I could and get my businesses stable. It was such a stressful day, and it looks like I need about $5,000 for new equipment that is not in the company bank account. The A told me he was going to give me $400 for rent and such (he has not paid me anything in months since he lost his job and I am struggling SO MUCH financially) and told me he was going to look for work all day today but instead he called midday to tell me that he had hung out all day with friends and had had a GREAT time! (I sure could have used some compassionate company today) Then that he was buying a dog bed for his dog and looking for new tires for his car with the money instead. I'll never see that money, but I NEED it, and I know his parents gave it to him for me to use for our bills because I am starting to fall behind (I barely make anything)! I am so scared of having this baby all alone with him not supportive emotionally, physically, financially. I had not prepared for this, and I only have a few weeks until the baby comes. WIll I make it through?
I cannot believe his parents bailed him out again. He never has to face consequences. I even talked to his mom earlier this week (since he had a relapse Saturday night and then played the dry drunk a-hole all week to me) and asked her for her help, to give us space to work out our problems as a couple before the baby is born instead of them always interfering and I thought she understood. Instead, they just let him get away with this, bailed him out and told him he was okay.
He said he'd be home at 7 and it's 10. No phone call, of course. I won't try to track him down this time. All I can think is that he needs to get out of my life, and it was so much easier to think about even last night after such a terrible week and so many contractions and puking while he yelled and yelled at me how ungrateful and awful I was. I would say back "I'm Pregnant! Stop!" But he had to keep at it and keep going days on end and I even missed a day of work from sickness and fighting and exhaustion and right now I CANNOT afford to do that.
But he came to me last night saying how sorry he was and how much he loved me, and that things would get better and he was going to counseling...still, all he cares about is himself by today. I am here alone and I am sure he's just hanging with his buddies somewhere talking about how strong and decent he is now that he doesn't owe $15,000 and hasn't had a drink in 6 days.
What a horrible day. I cannot even get into the details here because I will start to cry. I have not slept all week, and tonight will be more of the same. He's just so cocky now, worse than ever, and I am about to have a little baby here I have to protect and love. I wish I had the strength to remove him from my life, for good, to move away and get away from him.
We live in this tiny town and he thinks he has some sort of right to be in my life. I cannot leave my business. I know there is a way out but right now, just a few weeks before my life changes forever, I am being put through hell and then expected to just "snap back" into being happy and fine. I'm so scared. I wish I could find a way out of this with him, but he is the father and he has so much money at his disposal to fight me, and he is smart and can be so manipulative and petty when he wants to. I feel so awful. He didn't even want this child. He wanted me to have an abortion. I have been through hell for five years and now the last eight months. He has gone up and down but right now his cockiness is unbearable.
I know I'm not being very supportive on this board right now to others and I wish I could be. Right now I just want to feel better, and I am going crazy trying to figure this out. Thank you for listening.
You've been heard. All I can do is "listen," pray for you, and offer you hope.
It appears you know the reality of your situation. That is a good starting point. Like Jean suggested, seek out others who will understood you best by going to Al-Anon meetings. I think your situation warrants face-to- face human communication.
Just a little side note: My 50-year-old brother has been bailed out throughout his entire adult life by our mother and his well-off cousin. He owns a small-buisness due to my cousin's fianacial support. He barely makes ends meet. His business partner (ex-live-in girlfriend) kicked him out of her place 10 years ago) is still hanging in there hoping he will change. She is in denial. My brother is a nice guy in a grown-up body, but he doesn't allow himself to develop. Money doesn't solve money problems. I have told my mom and cousin that. However, they continue to bail him out.
You are stronger than you feel. You really are. You can find a way to make things better for you and your unborn child.
Right now your body is going through major changes Part of your body is YOU, your feelings and emotions. AND a baby being formed and getting ready for its major day.
It is major. No time to be thinking about anyone but you and your child.
Sounds like he lives with you. I would invite you to "think" about your options, one being he can be put out. what makes you say you wish he would leave? He is very sick, he knows he has it good. He can live off you and his parents and have no expectations of him to do anything.
When we enable we make the disease happy and it takes over them more and more. Being clean means zero. He still has all the symptoms of being an addict. Selfish, Self centered, lack of natural affection, showing no conscience (can't spell that) for his behavior.
When we enable we are helping him to continue to be the immature people they are as they do not grow when they don't answer for their own behavior.
Another option is for you to talk to his parents about helping YOU to get ready for their grandchild. I feel we, as adults, have to ask for what we need.
What in the world will ya do when you have this baby,need to recoup and need to not work for awhile?
Options? Do you have family? pack his stuff change the locks? you pack up and leave to protect your child and you?
One thing I learned thru alaon is allowing things to stay the same, expecting another outcome is insanity.
I am a lot more outspoken when it comes to abuse of women, including taking advantage of them, and children.
Never tell people what to do. Only share my experience. One thing about being a parent changed me, that was my children come first. After the creator of course.
Am a mother bear type. My hair is long and it is standing on end right now for you! co:
What if you have an emergency and he does not come home? Do you have help?
please don't give it a thought. You are already helping others by sharing your story, also you give others a chance to support you.
Keep coming back, please let us know what YOU need. love,debilyn
Certainly many of us have been in absolutely impossible situations.
There are lots of things you can do.
1) Get a therapist (there are some low cost ones). 2) Start going to meetings (they are here twice a day). 3) Start taking care of you. All this stress is very bad for you and the baby. 4) Start a To Do list. What needs to be done today and then another list what can you do...what is practical.
5) Don't make any major changes for a while. Wait up for your baby to be there and then think about what you can do. 6) Stop following the A around all day. We've all done it. I did it for years. i used to fill the A's phone up with messages. Guess what now I have not had contact with the ex A for a year. It can be done 7) Stop beating yourself up. 8) Get a hold of the book Getting them Sober - Canadian guy is offering it above. Get a copy, reads it. 9) Get all the copies of books on codependency you can. Go to the library if you can't afford to buy t hem. 10) Keep coming here, check in daily sometimes as much as a couple of times a day. We are here for you. I've been here 3 years plus.
Know you are cared for and people here know what you are dealing with. We have all been there in many shapes and sizes.
