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Hello all, I'm new here but I've been lurking for several months now. Long story short my AW has been on again off again sober for the last year. I've managed to keep some semblance of detachment for the last several months thanks to these forums and my own self reflection. Anyway her problems came to light a few nights ago (not by my choice, another family member decided to confront her without my knowledge). She asked to talk to me to clear the air and I did. I basically laid everything out about how I know about her sturggle with sobriety and that I still loved her and was still rooting for her.
The next day she chose to go to work and proceeded to drink during work. After making it home I asked her about what went on at work etc. and eventually she fessed up. For the most part I didn't get angry and tried to support her but still maintain some distance. This morning we sat and talked for a while, she mentioned going to a meeting, and I went off to work thinking everything was fine. She texted me in the middle of the day saying she had just gone to a meeting and felt great and she couldn't wait to see me. Needless to say I'm sure where you all know this is going. I came home and she clearly wasn't sober. For whatever reason I wasn't listening to myself or my HP and instead confronted her about it. You know the story, denial, "what more can I do? how can I prove myself to you, etc"
At this point I know the healthiest thing for me to do is go away for a while. Spend some time with myself just trying to sort everything out. Problem is she's extremely co-dependant and I honestly think bad things would happen if I left. What, I don't know, but I"m really feeling stuck right now and not sure what to do. I know if I stay she'll eventually calm down adn be fine. If I leave and stay at a friends I have no idea how she'll take it. She'll certainly be crushed. I'm also afraid that my detachment from the problem has started to turn into indifference towards the outcome. I really feel myself caring less and less about her as she struggles with her sobriety. This scares me. I guess I just don't know how to tell the difference between detachment and just not caring.
Welcome. Sometimes this is such a hard place to be but it is full of so much support that it is worth the courage it takes to finally get here and share your story.
Sounds like you feel how I feel right now about my ABF. I'm starting to feel like I cannot love him any more...just kind of flat and dead inside. I try to remember happy times but, as I am sure you know, those times pale in contrast to the awful times when your AW is not herself. And then you wonder who are they anyway? The A or the sober?
I worry about leaving my ABF, too, because he has been so depressed lately and has needed me for everything from emotional to financial support. I am about to have our baby, too, and I am frightened of if I can handle the task alone, but his actions are TRULY manipulative. He cannot function without me and I do know this now (after years of struggling), but this is not MY problem (I have to keep reminding myself).
The love for an A is so destructive, so absolutely painful and without redemption. Every time they drink it's like a betrayal, because YOU know it's something they have power over. I know some on this board call this a disease, and maybe parts of it are, but I really think that we must take responsibility for our own actions in this world (which seems to be so much what Al-Anon is all about) and that applies to the A, too.
I am contemplating distancing myself from the A in my life as well right now, even at 8 1/2 months pregnant, because I need to find some sanity and peace. I know he will not accept this and try to manipulate me into taking care of him again, but this seems like something that I need to do that (finally) has nothing to do with trying to save or help him. I've tried so long for so hard and unless I set up some boundaries, I will end up down in the same pit with him AGAIN.
The A in my life threatens suicide (and this is a BRIGHT, amazing, brilliant man with everything to live for) when he thinks I will stand up for myself. It's terrifying. Sometimes he threatens just because he's depressed. After days of this this past week, he called me at work to complain about everything and wanted me to counsel him. I had the names of three therapists on hand and gave them to him. I'm not a professional so I asked him to tell it to the therapist, get help, but stop relying on me (in my nice taking-care of the needy man voice, of course, that I have to use to avoid his wrath).
YOU can leave, and you can walk away and set boundaries about what you can supply her with and what she does then is her responsibility. I really know how hard this is and how impossible it seems. I've heard that some A's have to hit rock bottom to learn, but I've seen my A hit it so many times, I don't think it's true. I think that A's cannot have adult relationships until they are truly sober, and attempting to have one with one is accepting that your life will be filled with torture and sorrow.
I know many will disagree, but it seems like A's have issues that keep them from connecting intimately with others. They may even have up years or up months, but in the end, they are in love with a substance that makes them forget or abandon their issues, emotions, reality and the hard work of living each day...who wouldn't want this? So they don't want to change, because they need the escape.
But I have an A in my life. And I have loved him so much, and rooted for him, too, and been there to help him pick up the pieces of ruining his life and my life so many times. I know how you must want to help, or think there is something you can do. The only thing you can do is walk away with love and compassion and hope that out there somewhere is someone who CAN have an intimate and loving relationship with you, someone who is willing to face the world each day and not want to run off and escape when things get tough or complicated.
I can only speak for myself but I think now that I made a poor decision when I fell in love with my A. It was one of the worst decisions I ever made in my life, and coming from a family of A's I fought the demons that wanted ME to go to the bar and drown the repercussions of my decisions in a vodka tonic. I headed to counseling and came here instead and started looking for the all the support I could find because somewhere within me I know the A's coping mechanism is a coward's way out. I have to be braver than that, and stronger.
Your AW is a beautiful person, I am sure, but if she cannot give you a semblance of security, and makes you feel responsible for her well-being, and immobilizes you so that you are unable to act in a rational manner, you might want to consider what you truly want from this life. I examine this every day, and find myself torn as well, and as the years pass my heart grows colder with less and less feeling for the A.
I want to look back at my life when I am an old woman and have lived fully, and every day that I endure the manipulations, rejections, lies, and denial of life from my A is a day I cannot even earn back. I know this and I stay with him because I hope he will get better, and I have seen so many wonderful but false starts over the years I sometimes even think it possible. But when I am that old woman, I don't want to have a heart hardened and chilled by a life of accepting that this was the best I could have done, to root for and try to help someone who chose to make his own life miserable. I do have glimmers some days of a brighter future filled with happiness instead of dread, and maybe one day those glimmers will pan out...but I KNOW they will not pan out until I take steps to recognize that someone else controls my happiness, and while they are in my life I am going to be struggling with their problems.
It can be so good with an A sometimes, and those times fool us into thinking our lives could be at least bearable, but REALITY check...what will it REALLY look like in five years...and how old will be be then?
This may have seemed harsh, and I am sorry for that if it offended you, but right now I am in the same place as you and I am just trying to speak from the heart, hoping that in our shared experience you find some reason to be strong and have hope. I'm rooting for YOU!
QuVat, I am glad you are here, and it is amazing how you have been practicing the program. I am also amazied at how simular our stories are. Almost like I am looking in the mirrow. Your AW like my AW attends meetings yet are still very active A's.
Each day when I get home I don't know whether I will see the girl I married 16 years ago, or the AW who is being destroyed by the grips alcoholic has over her. I have the same feeling as you knowing that my life is being affected by her disease. I also wonder, and more often recently why do I stay, or do I want to live the rest of my life as I have the past several years as the disease progresses. That is my decision as it will be yours. The Al-Anon program and my HP will have the final say in that decision.
Let me say that without Al-Anon in my life for the past two + years we would probably not be married. I try to practice the program every single day. F2F meeting would be the ticket for you. Believe me it is the best thing I ever did. Using the tools of this program have made life bearable. I have turned my AW over to my HP, and those are not loose words, it is a fact. I really do not worry about her anymore, and I think you would agree that neither of us has one ounce of control over our AW's anyway. Do I pray for her? Yes. Right or wrong I have prayed recently that she will bottom out. That might save her life. That again is HP's decision.
My job is to take care of myself and work the program. I attend 2 meeting each week and have for the past two years. I attend for myself first, and hopefully to in some way help others. My suggesting to you would to please get to f2f meetings, and not just two or three. Make them a part of your life. You are practicing the program more than you realize right now. You mentioned detachment. You will receive pamplets and books at a f2f meeting that will help you understand detachment. and how to use it in different situations. In Al-Anon we speak of detachment with love. There are so many ways to detach. Detaching can be staying with a friend as you considered, taking a walk, leaving the room, making a 15 minutue phone call, or just going to buy a newspaper. I have done them all, and they are exactly what we call them, detachment with love. That is ten times better than stomping out of the house or getting into a heated dicussion that is going to go absolutely nowhere and only destroy my serenity.
Before you make a life changing decision give Al-Anon 6 months. What ever your decision it will be a better one than you would probably make now. Thanks again for posting amd keep coming back. RLC
Maybe there are more choices open to you. I certainly "left" the A boyfriend a few times all in all to try to get him to change. Nothing did. He had to want to change.
I think detachment does feel strange to us at times. I went from totally over involved to detached. Of course it took a lot of practice. My sponsor tells me to detach with love. I do that now. I try hard not to bear ill feeling and that is difficult.
I would not do anything wihout exploring the ramifications.
Thank you so much for all your helpful responses. The weekend was a difficult one but I'm still taking everything one step at a time. She has since fessed up to everything that is going on however is still struggling to stay sober. I've had several lapses in judgement the past few days. It's amazing how one bad night can completely destroy your serentiy and any progress you've made. I'm finally going to a f2f meeting. I've gone to a few but never really commited to making it a part of my life. I'm definitely ready to see the impact because at this point I truly feel helpless to solve any problem, including my own.
Thanks again for the kind words. Just knowing that there are people out there struggling with the same thing I am helps me so much.
