The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am pasting a letter that I would like to send to my ex ABF. We've been apart for almost two months now (feels like much longer than that!!!). Anyway, I need some closure to things, and I want to send the following letter to him. Any feedback you can give is much appreciated! Thanks for reading and listening!
Dear ....
I am writing to you because it is unhealthy for me to hear your voice or see you.
This was the first week since weve been apart that I have felt like my life is my own. I havent felt that way in a very long time. The past is in the past now, but it will be difficult for me to ever fully recover from the pain that you caused me. My memories of us are bitter sweet because I dont know what kind of love we really had since this disease was at the surface all the while we were together. I sometimes think that I was just something else you were addicted to and thats why we moved so fast and have fallen apart. I know for sure, though, that it was easier for you to quit your addiction to me than it is to quite your addiction to alcohol, and that is a pain I have to live with every day. There is no greater hurt than what has happened between us. I thought there was, but I was wrong. Losing you to alcohol goes beyond the death of loved one.
I have been learning a lot in the meetings Ive been attending, and one thing I am learning to change is what I do and dont have power over. I am ready to let go and take things as they come. I have felt happiness again and I want to continue feeling this way.
I am now ready to tell you what you thought I should tell you a while agoGo. You are free from me. Go and get healthy and do what you have to do. I need to be free from you entirely in order to be happy now, and you need the same from me for all of the reasons you have expressed over the past few months.
I am sure we will both make our mistakes, but I want you to know that whatever you do, that you are not bound to me, and that I will not judge you. You will always have my friendship and my love. Whatever the future holds is out of our handsBe well, be safe, and be happy.
Feedback? It is a heartfelt letter, written with the best intentions. Personally, I wouldn't send it, at least not to him... Maybe put it in a bottle, and throw it in the ocean or something.... Alcoholics will selectively use stuff out of there to read into it what they want to read into it..... Just my opinion.... brick walls tend to be more open to receiving heart-tugging notes...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I agree with Tom. It is very honest and beautiful but I wouldn't send it to an A. They are incapable of recieving such total honesty without turning it around into something vile.
I'm not sure what your motive would be. You said closure, but closure only comes with time and nothing we say to engage the A is going to make them give us what we think we need.
I would not sent it either. If they are an active A they will misinterpret it.
Of course it is a great exercise for you to write it. I'm writing leters I won't send to my parents (they are both dead) my ex A (dont know where he is - and I make a point of not knowing), my sisters and more.
I can imagine how much thought & time you put into that letter. It's a nice letter, very heartfelt, as Canadian said.
It is evident that you know what you need at this time. That is the most important piece of the letter, as I see it. Writing it must have helped you gain some clarity.
I'd keep it for you to re-read. If he is still active, and it sounds as though he is, he will most likely miscontrue the content and generate more grief and heartache for you. He isn't ready to face the truth (most likely).
I do hope he is receiptive to a heartfelt letter from you or a f2f conversation someday. But I have a strong hunch that it's far . . . . too soon.
*Note: of course I'm basing this opinion on my own experiences with my husband of 34 years. He has been sober, dry, or whatever..... not sure how to define his current state, for a little over a year. He has "slipped" a handful of times that I know of. He still doesn't get 99% of what I'd like him to.
These replies are really helpful. I'm glad I posted the letter and I will take the opinions of everyone here. Writing is definitely good for me, and I like to share what I write, so I'm glad I was able to share this here and get some much needed advice.
Writing is good for me too! I have spent many hours in the past writing letters to my ex A. All to receive a 1 sentence reply, if any reply at all. Which, to me meant that hey really didnt give a rats ass what I had to say.
I agree, put the letter in a bottle and set it free in the ocean!
I dont write letters to him anymore!
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
I don't write letters to him anymore either and thank you for your post. It helped me to NOTICE that I do not write letters to him anymore. I do not think about him much at all, actually. Thank God/HP. Hugs, J.
In the past, I would tell an exAb/f that I was moving on from them and then not be able to stick to my own boundary and end up calling him, yet again.
Your letter is very nice and it speaks of bounaries and intentions. I hope that you will stick to your boundaries and let your A go to hp with love, based on my past bad behavior that only caused me much more grief, I really do hope you stick to it.
The other members are right, it is unlikely that an A would be able to understand our perspective (without lots of sobriety and an open mind) and even then, it is hard for some of us to believe that our actions could have been so devastating to others. I know that even with my best intentions I was still enabling when I thought I wasn't. They say that it takes an A a good year in sobriety to come to terms with their own feelings, let alone beginning to deal with other ppl's emotions.
It is a very nice, loving letter and if it were mine, I'd put it up in a god box.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
