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I have come to the point that the fight is out of me. I mourn my will to fight. Giving up has made me sad but has also put out my anger. My AH comes home from work drunk almost everyday. At least he is not being verbally abusive right now. He is in total denial and even if he went and got help I don't think there is ever true recovery and those that achive it are rare and should be comended. He came home from work about 5PM went straight to the coach and passed out till morning. I have to carry the load when it comes to my three kids. I am a single parent with all of the stresses that come along with it. I would want to leave but unfortunately I have put myself in a precarious situation. I don't have a job, I know nothing about our finances and he will surely end up getting fired with his behavior. That causes me the most of my axiety. I am afraid that my children and I will find our selves homeless one day. I have stopped trying to reach my AH or fight with him. I truely don't care any more. He is an adult and should live with his actions and decisions. Unfortunately, his actions will directly impact my children now and into adulthood. I know there is always the argument of is it a disease or not. I don't see it as a disease like cancer but more of a disease of the mind a disease of compulsion. When someone has a compulsion they think of nothing but and all other things are of no consequence they are just in the way of them getting to their choice of compulsion. So, I'm not one that can stay and love the person and not the disease to me they are one in the same. It may sound cold but that is how I feel. I don't judge anyone for wishing to stay but I think you need to ask your self why would you? If the good out weighs the bad and you can over look the deception and destruction, then you are a better person than I. I don't wish anything bad for my AH, I just don't want to be entangled in his addiction. I strive for a healthy "normal" relationship. I may not get it without him but I definitely will not get it with him.
I can definitely relate to feeling stuck. I certainly was there with the A for a number of years. I did leave, it took a lot for me to leave. I was practically homeless.
There are options. I hope you will work with people on looking at what your options are.
The A who I was with got steadily worse. There were of course, tons of red flags, tons and tons of them. For years I spent all my time putting out the fires and remonstrating with him. When I actually stopped fighting with him I made progress.
Certainly I will years and years and years putting my life together. I was very very very angry about that for a long time. I am over the emergency stage now and into the rebuilding stage.
I do think it is honest to say that some of those things are seemingly insurmountable. At the same time there are resources out there. I know its hard to access those resources. One of the agencies I deal with is to say the least very very dysfunctional. At the same time they helped me. I got help with one months rent, I got help with lots of things.
There is help. I know its hard to ask for it, I know its hard to resource it. I know if only the A had not got worse I would not have had to do it. At the same time for me at least the A went into a total complete downward spiral. I was not willing to be homeless with him. I was not willing to keep at it anymore. I let go and things did change for me.
I hope you will look for help, ask for it, get help, get a sponsor, work the step, take action for yourself and your children.
Your post hits on a lot of issues, it is pretty interesting. I've been in Al-Anon a very long time, grew up with addiction, drugs & alcohol all around me. We who are raised in this chaotic dysfunction are called ACoA's (adult children of alcoholic/addicts) and are not necessarily A's ourselves.
Being raised in this life a kid automatically feels it is their responsibility to fill the void, so we try to very hard. We want peace and harmony inherently as sensient human beings. So we are compassionate and responsible. No one tells us we cannot be responsibile for other people's feelings. We learn to do whatever it takes to make the other person happy or bend over backwards trying to please them, appease them, change & influence thier mood. I spent a life time doing this. The truth is, it is not effective... it may work momentarily to distract that loved one we so desperately love but it doesn't last and it isn't real.
That is because we cannot 'make' anyone else feel any certain way. Our feelings are our own. Each individual must own up to their emotions and take responsibility for them. An A cannot do this. They discover thier "allergy" and see that they can be numb from reality and feelings. I never had that experience when I drank, I still experience my feelings. It used to drive me crazy that an A could just be so oblivious or free from reality but it is difficult to know what they go through, if you are not an A too.
I want to tell you, I spent my entire life anxious, feeling neurotic and obsessing 24 hours a day. I never thought it would or could stop. I loved other people but had total abandonment of myself, no love or compassion for me. My energy was out the window, chasing after them. Two years ago, I decided to figure out what self-love is. So I started out with trying to apply love to myself... I couldnt even offer me 1%, I had to go to a fraction of it, so i decided I could take 1/4 of 1% of love for me and that is where I started. It took me an entire year before I could focus on myself without guilt. I worked diligently on it and this year I have gone through many transformations. This year I have experienced true detachment for the first time.
This is what I would suggest you do, on top of getting to face to face meetings so you can have support for yourself. In Al-Anon we learn to take our attention off of the A and put it back on us, so we can lead our best lives. By focsuing on myself and detaching from others, I am no longer obsessing 24/7. If I can do it, anyone can. So ur A is passed out on the sofa... go to another room, pretend he isnt even there and enjoy your kids, distract them, play games, makes sock puppets, tell stories, cook together, have a game or a puzzle... enjoy your intimate time with them. Before you know it they will be grown and leaving you to live their own lives.
What we focus on grows. So dont focus on what u dont want to happen ~ focus on you, take good care of you, focus on gratitude and your kids and that will grow. That's how it has worked for me and the last few months I am experiencing true joy for the first time in 25 years.
Hope u give the program a chance for yourself! You are worth it.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
