The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is a post I made to the AA forum as a starter... I think it has some relevance here, which I will follow up on but first here is the post from AA in its entirety: ------------------------------ Not long ago, I was at one of my regular meetings. There is a young guy there who has some sobriety, talks a lot -- he just seems to get a lot of attention, even has "groupies" it seems. I've seen the type before, didn't really give it much thought. After the meeting, my girlfriend - who is not AA, and only observed this guy for a few minutes said, "He likes to be dramatic".
That was the word I was looking for. I really think that alcoholics as a group are drama queens (regardless of gender). We love attention, and we cultivate the behavior that gets it. There's probably some underlying psycobabble that correlates the need for attention, drama, etc. with the addictive personality. But I'd rather talk about how a bunch of drama queens - admitted or not - can get along pretty well with each other.
My friend above stands out even among fellow AAs, but I wonder sometimes if most of us don't stand out the same way in a crowd of "normal" people. Certainly there are exceptions. I'm actually a shy person - I tended to seek and enjoy solitude, but in most gatherings I can create the impression of being an extrovert. This is a coping skill I suppose - the word again is "cultivated". Alcohol makes this process easier, it can make us fearless in these situations.
When looking for a member of the opposite sex, I found myself attracted to the female drama queens. I fought that impulse for many years, alone, aided mainly by the fact that they weren't attracted to me. Either I wasn't dramatic enough, or just didn't have the right line of bull. Now that I'm engaged to someone who is *not* a drama queen, but a loving, caring, contemplative person who truly loves me the way I am, my whole approach to this drama thing has shifted. It's more for fun, and it is enjoyable when it's for fun and not just for survival of my fragile ego. I can engage in it, but when it falters and I don't get the attention I'm seeking, I can laugh it off and go on with life.
The male drama queens always gave me mixed feelings of jealousy, awe, and competitiveness. The female ones pulled at me like a ball bearing to a 2-ton magnet. It's nice to step back and see that it's all a game. One I can choose to play. Or not. Or simply sit back and be entertained. I think if AA wasn't a haven for the dramatic, it wouldn't have the attraction factor talked about in the traditions. Underneath all that stage presence can often be found some true humility.
I have an up-and-comer in my immediate family. My 14 year old granddaughter is not a drama queen. She's a Drama Goddess. Whether she's exhuberant, hyper, quiet, or even being a "surly teenager" as her mom calls her, she *owns* the room. Perhaps that perception is magnified through my eyes, but most people I've known who have met her - young and old, male or female - would agree with my assessment. This girl has the blood of alcoholics running in her genes up one side and down all major branches of her family tree. She's also very smart. But she can still be scary. Hey, she's in school, and doing great - her mother had quit school, been to jail and rehab before she was that age. My granddaughter is also what I'd call intense... but not focused. She hasn't found her passion in life yet. I just hope it ain't in a bottle or a pill. I know there's no protecting her from it. My daughter got sober on her own. My only part in it was to be there, sober myself, when she came back to the family, to be there for her and her little girl. I love my granddaughter more than anything but I know loving her means letting her grow up, on her own terms. God's plan is in effect, always - my plans are, well - to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep my eyes and ears open.
Now... re. Alanon: Being a member of both, my perspective may be a bit off but... I see in Alanon, and in myself too, an attraction to dramatic people.
Are we addicted to the unpredictable? Are we attracted to alcholics because they offer some excitement? I have a friend who is a police officer. He loves his job because "every day when I go to work, I have no idea what's going to happen". Is that the attraction we have to alcoholics?
We don't always have a choice, if the alcoholic is a parent or child or sibling. I'm speaking more of the spousal / significant other relationship. What attracts us to alcoholics?
I've never really been in a relationship with an alcoholic - sober or not. I've tried, I've dated a few women in AA. The attraction was the insanity, or the "psycho factor". I was bored - apparently my own alcoholism wasn't enough for me, I had to seek excitement externally. Do we turn away from good people just because they are "boring"?
Coming to Alanon... and staying... has been a life-changing experience. Going to AA and getting sober changed my life too, but my personality was largely the same. Alanon has helped me downgrade the importance of this excitement factor. Like AA, it's a loving and accepting environment, but the personality traits that rub off and become exemplary to me are very different.
I could not be in the relationship I'm in today without Alanon. You all accepted me - even if I was one of those dramatic, egotistical alcoholics. You gently showed me the other side of the coin. There's no doubt that my fiance is attracted to some of those characteristics in me - but without Alanon, I wouldn't have been able to receive her love and care for me, taken at face value. I would have been doubting, questioning, rocking the boat. Thankfully I've been able to minimize that behavior. I'm entering into a new stage in my life, one that was unimaginable just a few years ago. There is much yet to do and learn, but I'm ready to take the next step. We haven't set a date, but I imagine we'll be moving in together within 3 months, and married not long after that. It's all in the logistics, and we're working together on those things as well.
Oh yeah, my fiance loves my little Drama Goddess too. And vice versa!
I was absolutely addicted to my active AH and the drama cycle. After he got sober, it took me awhile to "detox" from it all and to learn how to enjoy a calm and serenity-filled life. Things (including relationships) didn't feel "real" for awhile after it all stopped--where were the highs (and the lows), the desperate feeling, the desperate need?? Looking back, it was just so high school--but then again, that makes sense because none of the players were very mature!!
Now, three years into recovery (mine and his), I love my life. I love going home at night (instead of the bar). I love that I know my neighbors. I love that I don't have that "on edge" feeling that I need to be somewhere, doing something, or checking up on someone. It has taken awhile, but I love having little to no drama in my life. And, what I find now is that I have an aversion to that type of drama. These days, if my gut tells me that drama is nearby, I pay attention to it and I simply go elsewhere. I love recovery!!
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I have said it before to family, ect. I wouldn't know how to live my life if it didn't involve chaos. If I don't have it I make it, if I have it I complain about it...no win.
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People may not remember what you did or what you said but they will remember how you made them feel...
At this point in my life after 7 years with an A (who was completely self destructive) I find drama very very boring. I had to really work on de-tachment to get there. There is no question that I no longer find alcoholics alluring. I am always on the red flag alert for them. I see red flags in lots of spectrums I never did before.
Of course living with an alcoholic I became my own drama queen. I was defnitely always over reacting.
I am in therapy these days and I find that I have to work all the time on not being in Karpman's. Karpman's is indeed the drama triangle. Karpmans involves being either in rescue, wanting to be rescued (at least it did for me) or feeling resentful towards the other person (generally who I've just rescued).
I really do not work on not being fascinated with drama. Watching the A and over reacting to him was all I did for 7 years. I work these days on not noticing drama once I am cued into it. I work on not being that interested. I work on not knowing, not needing to know and most of all not wanting to know. For me that is an essential mix of de-tachment.
