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Hi all... there has been a lot of discussion, directly and indirectly, on the board lately regarding us being the "victim" in certain situations... I think we tread a very fine line between "feeling sorry for ourselves" and "accepting facts for what they are".....
I looked back on a post that I posted in July of 2007, and I'm not really sure that much has changed in my life since, although I think I am "marginally" gaining some ground on this one....
I'm hoping that this will help me, as well as others.... our respective recoveries are dependant on us being honest with ourselves, and making decisions to get ourselves healthier.... When I stayed in a really bad, alcoholic marriage - there has to be a point where I lost the "right" to bitch and complain about it..... Not entirely sure where that point is, but ultimately it was my decision, at the time, to stay.....
I continue to be more comfortable talking through and (hopefully) helping others in their plight, than I am in truly dealing with my own....
I am lonely but I push people away...
Here is the post from a year ago..... still very much true today.
Tom
In a reflective mood today..... sitting here, some five years after ending my marriage to my A-wife after ten years..... She has recently received her 5-year sobriety cake, and life carries on.... We certainly aren't friendly, as our relationship is best described as "strained", as we both try our best to be civil for the sake of the kids....
When I am honest with myself (that apparently takes some prodding, lol), I think I have, and sometimes continue to use alcoholism as an excuse for me not getting on with my life. I continue to struggle with relationship.... continue to put up walls if people get "too close"..... continue to resist letting new friends into my life..... still don't own, even though I make a good salary.... put off things until tomorrow, cuz I'm not sure where I am going....
So when does the statute of limitations run out for me blaming alcoholism and/or my ex-wife for my lot in life? It has been five years now, and I can rationalize why I still do it, but it isn't helping ME get any better. OMG - please don't tell me that I am responsible for my own lot, happiness, responsibility, etc???? Say it ain't so!!!!
I love our program for self-reflection, and try hard not to let that escalate to self-mutilation..... In the immortal words of Joe Friday (of Dragnet fame) "just the facts ma'am".
So here are the facts, as best as I know them...
Alcoholism was likely the most significant factor in the breakdown and failure of my marriage, but was not the only factor
Once I walked away from the marriage, I lost the right to blame my ex for my plight "from that day forward"
I am responsible for me....if I am lonely, I can fix that. If I put up walls, it is up to ME to knock them down. If I am unhappy, it is up to ME to change that. (my sponsor used to say "live life, and allow happiness to find you).
It's getting tougher and tougher to explain, even to myself.... People ask me what is wrong, and I really don't know how to answer it.... With the exception of being a Dad (which I am damn good at!), I don't appear to accept or understand my other roles in this life.
I think I needed to post this today, as (hopefully) a line in the sand, where - starting today - I can begin to change the things I want/need to change in my life...... ODAT.
Thanks for listening Tom
-- Edited by canadianguy at 13:10, 2008-10-09
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I remember a comment made to my sponsor, and her comment back. Question: Why me???? Answer: Because you allow it.
LOL! That pretty much shut my whining down and said it all.
No, I didn't "allow" my A's alcoholism, but I did allow the disease to rule my thoughts, moods, reactions and my whole outlook on life. It sure felt much better to understand that "I" was in control of all those things. It made for a much happier, healthier me.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I can relate a great deal. I am one year out of the longest relationship of my life. I feel I am finally out. There will no doubt be years for me to recover financially. I do hold people at arms length. In time I hope to change that.
I do think there is something about alcoholism that totally takes people captive. I am one of them.
For me personally at this time the focus has to be on me and my issues and I work really hard to do that. I am not in a position at the moment to help others except to share my ESH. I am flat out on my own recovery all the time. That is all I do and all I can do. If I were not flat out on my recovery I would certainly be either rescuing or craving to be rescued. I know where that got me so I have to really not even get to the point of going there.
thanks for this Tom - took me back a yr or 3 hehe . good old days when I could claim vicitim -- nottt . comming here I realized that I had choices all of my married life and as usual I always chose to do nothing , just let it happen then would complain and do the poor me for awhile . sheeeeesh things that helped me get out of there were When someone told me to take the ME out of Blame and all I had was Bla Bla Bla . When I heard there are no Vicitims in Al-Anon , only volunteers . and as far as not letting people get close again well we all stuggle with that one I think , and I did too until I heard a young man say If I don't' let you in -- I can't get out . that was the most profound thing I ever heard at the time . still pretty much up there for me . As we begin to recover from the affects of this disease life gets better all the time and for me my goal was to achieve the promises listed in our From Survival to Recovery book , I read those all the time they were and are the reason I stay in program . Louise
I'm guilty of that as well, thank you for your post tonight. Just tonight on my drive home it dawned on me...sure things happen and my mind still wants to respond as I had in the past...the only difference is...I know now I have the choice to say enough already and move forward. I now measure my success by pride, health, and love.
Tom, I read you posts and you are always to the point with good ESP. I respect you, and what you offer. I also read your poats for July 07.
I have not walked in the exact shoes you have been walking in, but in a couple of simular life situations. It was a mistake for me to stay in the bubble and continually question me and my motives, which I did. After to much wasted time, each time a light came on and I stepped outside the bubble and told myself, D-it Rodney life is short, get over it, you have a lot to offer, there is nothing wrong with falling down unless you decide not to get up, press forward move on and don't look back, take a chance, if it is a relationship, new friendship, job or business decision, or any other choice. I took those steps and never looked back except to laugh at mistakes and realize that I was taking me and life in general way to seriously.
Tom, you are in 100% control of the of you plight, and the only one who can make a change to improve it. The Tom I think I know from posts on this board can change any part of his life he is willing to change, because he seems to be a strong, principaled person. Kenny Chesney the country singer has a song out "Don't Blink". Go to You Tube and listen to it. You will be glad you did. In the song Kenny asks a 102 year old man what is the secret to life. The old man says "Don't Blink". The song relates how we blink in this old life and it seems 10 or 20 years can go by. None of us can afford to "blink" or waste one day of this precious life.
You are younger than me and have much to offer yourself any others. Offer it, and remember "Don't Blink". RLC
Thanks for this incredibly honest post. As I come out of my life-long co dependant fog, I feel like I have one foot in the victim identity and one foot in the strong,happy self aware and self responsible me. I am one step removed...I look back and see that "childish" behavior of mine....and I understand it and forgive it and know it is in reaction to some very real and painful s**t brought about by my A and also know it is brought on by experiences from long,long ago that I probably have no actual memory of. I say childish, because I think my behaviors and victim mentality started way back then due to the dysfunctions of the home I lived in. But now I see my own home and I see my children growing up verbalizing their struggles and learning how to own their mistakes and how to solve problems and how to ask for what they need. I remind myself every day that things can be different...and I look at my kids and see the proof.
I am more comfortable talking others through their problems than dealing with my own.....This is habitual problem of mine for sure. I catch myself doing this and I try to stop. I change the conversation. I decide to do something for me instead. I Awareness is the first step...then each time you do something you don't want to be doing...it gets more and more uncomfortable somewhere inside. Then I actively try and do something to remedy it. Even if I don't get the reaction I hope for, the effort of doing something differently helps me and leads me in a better/healthier direction the next day.
Thank you for sharing....it really got me thinking.
I am inspired by the shares here. There is no question I was victimized in my childhood and in my relationships. I'm not sure about the responsiblity issue there. I didn't have the skills to negotiate adult life that's for certain. I also certainly didn't know how to recover from codependency.
Responsibility came late in my life. I am well past middle aged, yet I do look forward to a future with recovery from codependency. I need to make the best of what I have (which is very little). I have to negotiate what that is. I can have great great compassion for people without giving away all my resources. I can also have compassion for myself which means taking care of me.
There is no question the A I was with put me in a corner around surival. Leaving him was a very difficult thing for me to do. There is also no question he went on a major melt down when he was diagnosed with serious illness. I helped and he rewarded me with his self destruction. I am therefore quite rightly leery about the limits of my "helping".
Nevertheless I am open to be willing to ask for help for myself. I don't have the skills to negotiate mature relationships and my self care skills are pretty basic.
So my responsible is pretty limited. I am certainly responsible for myself but I am a person who has very very limited abiliites at the moment which is a far cry from what I used to view myself as. Nothing was too much to do for the A for years. Now I let go far more quickly and the view is always about taking care of myself first rather than not at all.
yeah, I have many walls up also. I can honestly say that I have no clue as to how to knock 'em down or even what it would look like if I did not have walls around me, what it would feel like, etc.. So, I ask HP for help. I ask HP for help in addressing my shortcomings. I ask HP to help me to be what HP wants- his will, not mine. You have made progress. Heck, I am so lonely sometimes but I guess that is HP's plan for me right now. I need to deal with some stuff on my own just between him and me. It may be like this for quite some time. I gotta trust HP. The rest will follow. Hugs and thank you for your incredibly thoughtful and though-provoking post. Jean
