The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He had the great proposition for me, the credit guys want to combine all our debt into one small payment which is just a fraction of what our debt payments are now. Would be a good idea... He is very irresponsible financially and consistantly runs up credit. Now he is maxed out on his credit line and probably just now realizing it. In the past I have allowed him to roll over his debt to the equity loan, but last year I said "no more". The reason being, that he had many chances to pay it off, but just blew the money instead. The equity line is in both our names, so I am legally responsible for the balance. Plus it just makes me mad. I run up debt too, but I manage to pay it off. Since then he ran up an equal ammount in the course of the year. So now he has double the debt. I just think of all the times I said "You overdrew again, what are you going to do?" And he would say he's going to get a job. This went on for about a year, and it just pisses me off that he's here now, wanting to refinance, and tuck his debt away somewhere in our mortgage. And he was mad. Says "Well I guess I shouldn't have bought stuff for the family...." and we were bickering like little kids in no time. Almost all the money came from daily trips to the store. That is how he ran up $$$$$$ debt. I know, it's hard for me to believe myself, and I'e been witnessing it. I can't prove who pain for what, and some of his debt came from necessary expenses. I'm doubting myself because I can see how it's unreasonable. The new payments would be lower than the mortgage is now, and they would include his $$$$$$. I just want him to take care of his spending, and this is just another easy out.
By the way, I want a divorce, he knows this. Why try to refinance?
And another thing, he needs my car to take him to a court date next week. His transmission is failing. I want him to fix his transmission and take his own car. I will be very busy that day. I offered money for him to take a cab, he refused. I told him if he had his liscence back he could use the car. It is his car too, I just drive it ALL THE TIME. I'm very irritated. Very irritated.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Hold your ground RJ. Its called tough love. He is an adult, he can start acting like one. We all have our responsibilities. He can grow up. Hold your ground. Hugs, J.
Aloha RJ...I also get anxious when having to face up to responsibilities and to consequences. I would rather just put on the hood of denial...the one with all those blue birds of paradise flying around so peacefully.
Better take a good look at that "new loan" and why it is only a fraction of the payment you now have and what are the "cost and fees" and all that other small print. Take a good look at the lender and ask questions. This is a mute thing if you are not wanting to do the same thing over and over expecting different results. A time to stop is just that the time to stop and raise up another more rational solution. I was never comfortable with "when a push comes to a shove" and I don't do reactions any more either. Better to take the time to think and then follow thru with what is your next best solution.
You sound like your vision is okay...you see the picture well. Do the next best thing. Stop enabling!
I'm with peggy here ,he is only doing what always worked before . sooooo because u are his wife you are responsible for half the debt anyway so whatever works best for you , if your home has to be sold debts will be paid before any monies are released anyway . You just want him to be responsible ??? well so far thats not happning . start to protect yourself or this will just keep going on an on until there is no equity left in your home . he is not going to change , until he is allowed to suffer the concequences of his own stuff . and don't buy that shouldnt have bought for the family stuff , it's probably very minimal anyway . He is not working ???? and he has a line of credit wow that is amazing .
Do you have a plan be that will take your mind off from bickering.
I know I was there. I am in a mountain of debt because of the A. He destroyed a great deal. I wish somehow I had had the strength and impetus to get out sooner. The issue for me was that I was always being sucked into his stuff.
I went to car hell and back with the A. I would not wish that on anyone.
I am so sorry you are in this place.
Please work on de-taching. That will give you lots more energy to focus on what you need to know (which of course no one can tell you what or how).
There are people who have survived this stuff. There is a way out of it. Maresie.
