The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new to this forum, my incentive for joining being a conversation I've just had with my mum (in her 60s) in which she said she cannot find anyone who understands what she's going through.
My dad has been alcohol dependant for about 25 years. For reasons I'll probably never fully understand, my mum has stuck with him almost constantly throughout. They've been to the councellors and the AA meetings, but the way things have worked out - and it's been a long saga of binge drinking, sobriety, heartache and sickness - she's now in the situation where she's his carer.
She buys him alcohol, she cleans him up when he wets himself and she selflessly (or stupidly, depending on your view) soldiers on saying she's left it too late to leave him now seeing as he can't look after himself. She does it all while continuing to work to support them both and with no help from anyone, seeing as the doctors say he has to sober up before they can offer it.
My mum goes to Al-Anon meetings, but she says everyone there has a recovering alcoholic in their family, or an alcoholic who is young and nowhere near at the stage my dad is at.
I think her situation is fairly unusual because a) My dad should have been dead a long time ago and b) not many women would have stuck with him as long as she has.
Sadly though, I'm sure it's not a unique situation. And I would like to help her connect with someone who understands what she is going through. I suppose that really we're a family that has given up hoping my dad will ever stop drinking and now just have to live with it and try to look after ourselves the best we can while he slowly kills himself.
Please, if any of the issues in my post have affected you too, could you drop me a reply? I'd love to hear from you. Thanks.
There are many people in this group your mother can relate to. May I suggest she join the group rather than go through you. This group would also be available for you. No doubt you have your own feelings about your father's illness.
Hi Guppie... and welcome to MIP.... I used to attend "cake nights", at a Treatment Center where my ex-AW got sober.... These are monthly celebrations of sobriety, where sober alcoholics come up and receive their awards for 1 month, 3 month, 6 month, and 1 year & multiple years thereafter, of sobriety. There is a microphone there, and many people choose to tell their story to the crowd.... At one of the events, a 77 year old lady got up there.... receiving her 3 month chip. She spoke for quite awhile, but in a nutshell, this was her EIGHTH stay in a Treatment Center, and dammit, this time she was gonna make it!!!! There was a huge applause for her, and barely a dry eye in the house.
It is never too late for your Dad to get better. Similarly, it is never too late for your Mom to get better. My tongue in cheek message to your Mom, would be the old saying:
"Denial (the Nile) - is NOT just a river in Egypt"
Take care, and hope that you AND your Mom can choose recovery for yourselves, regardless of whether or not your Dad does...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
There are many people in this group your mother can relate to. May I suggest she join the group rather than go through you. This group would also be available for you. No doubt you have your own feelings about your father's illness.
Maresie.
Thanks Maresie. You're probably right. I'm not sure she's ever used a forum before but I will try to teach her..!
I've been brought up in a family where no one talks about what's going on and have learnt to go away on my own and sort through my own feelings and problems (I'm sure many will relate to that) but I think maybe it will be a big help to talk to people who understand my experiences.
A lot of time I feel like I don't need help - I'm fully aware of the personality flaws my dad has left me with. I have a good lifestyle, job and friends. But they're certainly built on very shaky foundations.
I'm just glad I can get away from the situation whenever I like. I feel detached and numb from everything my dad has put me through and nowadays I find it more comforting to think he will die soon than get my hopes up he will cure himself. The pain felt when he starts drinking again after I've got my hopes up he is getting better feels almost worse than accepting he is sick and will never stop drinking. Plus I don't think he has any motivation or energy left in him to try now.
But I feel sorry for my mum. Because despite the fact I've lost a lot of respect for her through her decision to stay with him and put me and my brother through much more pain than was necessary, the predicament she's in now is a bad one. And she can't run away from it like I regularly do.
Thanks for your reply too Canadianguy - wise words and they made me smile too...
I have to agree with Jerry F. Mom is in denial. It makes no difference if the people in her meeting are recovering, younger etc. She's not living their lives. The message and teachings of Alanon are the same no matter what.. She knows she is enabling him by buying the alcohol for him. What she may not realize is that she is also helping to make him even more ill by providing it. If he is at a point that he can't care for himself, how easy would it be for her not to buy what is killing him? Let alone the stress she is imposing on herself. Alanon is a very diverse group of people from all walks of life. There is commonality amongst the members because of the disease of alcoholism. Alanon helps us survive alcoholism. It has nothing to do with ones age or other's circumstances. It is a individual program that a person must choose to work, or not. As we say..It only works if you work it.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I have to agree with Jerry F. Mom is in denial. It makes no difference if the people in her meeting are recovering, younger etc. She's not living their lives. The message and teachings of Alanon are the same no matter what.. She knows she is enabling him by buying the alcohol for him. What she may not realize is that she is also helping to make him even more ill by providing it. If he is at a point that he can't care for himself, how easy would it be for her not to buy what is killing him? Let alone the stress she is imposing on herself. Alanon is a very diverse group of people from all walks of life. There is commonality amongst the members because of the disease of alcoholism. Alanon helps us survive alcoholism. It has nothing to do with ones age or other's circumstances. It is a individual program that a person must choose to work, or not. As we say..It only works if you work it.
Christy
Thanks for your reply Christy.
I agree with what you say completely. My mum is enabling him and I'm sure the Al Anon message applies to her and would work if she had listened a long time ago.
But I also understand she's in a predicament now that's tough - completely self-inflicted by enabling him for so long, but still tough.
My dad isn't functioning in any way. I'm not sure if he's had a stroke or if his circulation - which has been poor for years thanks to a failing heart and has turned his limbs purple and black - has finally got too bad for him to get about. He's been in bed for months, he can barely walk, he goes to the toilet in a bucket (or in his bed). He's depressed and stares into spare for hours. When he does talk, he says he wants to die but is too frightened to kill himself.
The doctors have been little help. One has even backed her decision to continue enabling him, and says he will probably have a stroke if he stops drinking now. At the same time, they won't offer him detox because he tells them he doesn't want to stop drinking and they won't hospitalise him because they say his condition is purely drink-related.
I think her point is that she feels she's gone past attending meetings where people discuss how to live with an alcoholic. The issues she has now are more related to his health problems I guess and living with someone who needs constant nursing. I don't know, maybe she's just looking for someone to reassure her she's a nice person who's doing the right thing and just to keep going. I'm very changable and indecisive about her actions and motives most of the time. It would be an easy cop out - just like staying with him for 25 years has been.
Your Mom may have stayed all these years out of love with a little hope thrown in. She is in a place I don't envy. If she stops giving him alcohol he may die. If she keeps giving it to him, he will die. Since he will not detox she is in a very tough place. My husband of almost 21 yrs went through a medical detox and barely survived. BUT, now he is living and discovering a wonderful life that he didn't know existed (while drowning in alcohol). You wouldn't believe the transformation.
Still, there are parts of the program that your Mom could put in to place. Like taking care of herself instead of giving all to her job and him. Doing something nice for herself, no matter how small can help so much. It reminds her that she is important and needs to take care of her needs too.
I do feel for your Dad. He is in a vicious circle. He's too afraid to quit drinking, but the drinking is causing illness and depression. He, like my husband probably knows the awful feeling of not having the alcohol when needed. In the beginning of detox, it's shaky hands, like after a night of sleeping the body wakes up craving it. My husband could barely hold a cup of coffee in the morning and would always fill it only half full. If only a night's sleep causes that reaction he is probably very afraid of feeling the full affects of a detox, which can include uncontrollable body tremors, siezures, hallucinations,renal failure (all of which my husband endured) and as you said, stroke/heart attack.
My best suggestion is to attend Alanon for yourself and continue to love them both.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hello Guppie , moms situation is not that unusal ,except that she is till enabling him , and until she is willing to stop buying him alcohol and cleaning up his messes nothing is ever going to change . As long as we keep doing for them what they should be doing for themselves we are actually helping them to continue drinking and that statement really ticked me off so i quit doing that stuff ,things changed very quickly in our home when i stopped rescuing him , I had been married 25 yrs when I got to al anon program was here for 2-1/2 yrs before my husb quit drinking , I got my life back stopped protecting him from himself and got happy right where i was , we have 19 yrs sobriety in our home and most days life is pretty good . I didn't want to leave m y marriage either so I understand your m oms point of view . if your mom has a ODAT *our blue daily reader * ask h er to read the passage on page july 14th , that page i used like a map to recovery it is all i read for a yr til I was actually able to practice what was suggested that page and the detachment pamphlet saved my family , no doubt in m y mind . are u attending meetings for yourself guppie they would help u understand a little better about the disease and how it has affected your family and will continue to do so until Someone changes. Louise
