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I had another panic attack yesterday. This one was different and filled with anger. I started thinking how unfar it was for my ex to just pick up and leave and go over to his mom's house where his bed is all nicely made up and he has no memories of us whatsoever. Meanwhile I get to stay in the house with all the pictures (which I took done but still) the house is a constint reminder of memories. While he just goes off and does who knows what with whom. Does he think of me and the hurt at all? Is he suffering at all? Is he feeling guilty at all? But what he is doing and thinking is none of my business. But I am worried I have so much anger and just need to get it out that I will explode. I feel like he needs to hear what I have to say whether he wants to or not, wheter he believes me or not. I was so angry yesterday I yelled at my son...I mean really yelled at him. I gathered all the pictures that I had, and was going to go over to his house and just rip him to shreds and throw all the pictures in his face so he would be forced to remember some things...be forced to deal with the consequences of something. I called my sponser and she said that if I feel I need to give him the pictures, just do it when I am calm and stick them in a box and leave them. But I didn't do anything last night...too tired after all of it. I am very angry. I can't even work today. I might go home. I need to get this anger out. I have tried exercising, I am reading my books and going to 4-5 meetings a week. I feel this is unresolved for me. like he just got to leave and now everything just moving on with no responsibility of what he did. and doesn't anybody think of my son in this. His mom didn't even call me to check and see how we are doing? my son really bonded with him this time. She knows how her son is and its like we were dating for a month or something. I am someone who was really involved - years and years. Went to the rehab at 3:00am with his mom, been through meth with him. Does she not care at all about who he effects? I am so mad!!! I just don't know what to do with it...I have vented at meetings and have dealt with things ok up till now. But this anger towards him I have to get out. And I am checking my motives. do I want to go over there to get this anger out for me or do I want to just see him. I think it is because I really do want him to hear and see some of the consequences he has done. But I don't know that he would care anyway. In the past when I have confronted him it has made him look at himself, he has felt guilty for his actions, but then the disease comes back around again. I don't know what to do??? I want him to know how I am feeling...how he has hurt me and my son again. I want him to know some of the consequences. ??!!!!
I haven't posted or written in a few weeks here, but anger and feelings of unfairness is an ongoing problem for me. As far as confronting your ex you need to ask honestly of yourself the motivation behind it. If you are doing it solely to get the anger and frustration out for your need then do it. If you are doing it to make him realize his horrible behavior and how it effects you, then you are wasting your time. My AH showed up at my sons football practice drunk and even though it made it more stressful for me I told him to leave because I didn't want to run the risk of my son getting into a car with a drunk. I am numb now the days of trying to make him see the results and the pain caused by his behavior are done. That is of no consequence to the addict, their existance is made up of denial and excuses. Logic is no part of their vocabulary, and you are basically trying to reach someone that is unreachable. You are trying to appeal to the sympathy and guilt of someone that is narcassistic. My AH used to feel guilty now he is just angry at me all the time, he denies and tries to hide his drinking and I think he's pissed because I don't play the game any longer. Your ex will never know his consequences, because he has a strong enabler(his mother). And she unfortunately thinks she is helping him but only is continueing the cycle. She is sick too. The best way for ou to get better is to move on and don't worry how guilty, good or bad he feels. In the long run does that make you more happy and peaceful? I think the answer is no. I am only human and I am sad at my situation and angry. Sometimes I sit in my car and scream, but trying to get through to him I have given up it's just a lesson in futiliy and it only makes me more frustrated.
I have definitely been there. Have you read getting them sober. An alcoholic is definitely not having a good time. They may look like it but who needs an addiction. They may camaflage it very very well. One "recovering" alcoholic in my house is always on her euphoric recall about when she drank/used whatever. She is a physical wreck with lots of problems, smokes like a chimney and is very very ill. Denial comes in many forms.
Of course there is anger when a relationship ends. I doubt very much the A is having a hay ride at his mother's. The A who I was with was super glued to his mother. At one point she upped and got married (she didn't date so the marriage was somewhat out of the blue) and left him high and dry. He never ever anticipated that. No A is going to have a hayride for ever, their disease takes them to awful terrible places.
You can express your rage in lots of ways. You can do it here, you can do it in journalling, exercise, planning a plan be for yourself. How can you take your mind off him, how can you go as many days as possible without contacting him. The longer you go with no contact the better. I did not imagine I could do it. Now I am almost 6 months or more since I last spoke to the A. I doubt I will ever speak to him again.
Take care of yourself, rest, eat right, be kind. Stop beating yourself up.
Thank you very much for your reply. There were so many good points.
If you are doing it solely to get the anger and frustration out for your need then do it. If you are doing it to make him realize his horrible behavior and how it effects you, then you are wasting your time.
Actually it would be for both on this one. To get the anger out for me, but I would also want him to see what he has done. But after reading this and all your perspective, I realize that probably wouldn't really happen anyway.
The best way for you to get better is to move on and don't worry how guilty, good or bad he feels. In the long run does that make you more happy and peaceful? I think the answer is no.
Your right. I am really trying with this. To just not worry about what or how he is doing. It's very hard. Part of me at this point, wants him to be suffering. I am not at the forget and forgive stage at all yet. But I know in the long run, I want to be happy and peaceful regardless of what he is doing. I am just really worried about all the pent up anger and I don't want to hold it in and have it fester. That's where I am worried.
Thanks for your share. I was wondering only yesterday how you were.
Those feelings of anger are so strong, I understand exactly where your coming from. It's like you need to get some recognition for all the pain, stress and angst the A's behaviour has put us through. Its a strong all consuming emotion I know. I really dont think they ever get it, they remain totally oblivious to it all. I think trying to get a reaction/remorse/regret/apology from them is totally futile. It would be so wonderful I know, but it's not going to happen.
I gave all my photos to a friend to mind, as at present I cant bear to look at them but I cant bring myself to destroy them yet.
There is a quote on this board somewhere it says...
'Everything I've ever tried to let go of is covered in claw marks'
I identify with that.
As for the anger,
Let go and let God.
Thanks again for your post, remember your never alone in this.
I swear I wrote this exact same post a few years ago. I will tell you this...these feelings will lessen. The desire to MAKE him feel, to make him pay for what he has done to you are totally normal. The anger at his mother (oh don't get me started on the in-laws!!!!) is totally normal. This is part of the process. No contact will help you get thru it quicker.
But do what you feel you need to for YOU. If you need to tear up pictures and throw them in his face, go ahead. I guarentee it will not change a darn thing (I can say that because I did it with all of our wedding pictures 8 years before we finally split). Didn't make him sober, maybe it made him feel bad for a second. Here's something I used to envy about A's they can "let go" with ease. Maybe they shed A tear but they feel nothing deeply. They can't. They are convinced it will kill them. Us, on the other hand feel it all so deeply. And do we medicate those feelings away? Nope, we walk thru them, sometimes with our dignity intact and sometimes not. But be proud of yourself that you have the ability to feel and someday you will see how awful it is to be him who cannot feel at all.
I went through all that, and then some, with my ex-AW. It took me years to get past all that stuff, and I had to finally accept (and be taught) that it was really an example of me playing the victim role still, wanting him (and others) to feel sorry for me..... I didn't like hearing that, but it was the truth, for sure.
What finally helped me - and I am a very competitive person by nature - is that I got convinced, rightly so, that the only way I could "win", was by living my life, and no longer being enmeshed in hers.... The sweetest revenge is often to simply live your life honorably and with your head held high, and he will see that 1000 times more than if you "tell" him what he caused, or how you want things to be, etc.....
I think... it gets back to the words of my wise old sponsor..... you're entrenched in the "whys", and the "whys" will eat you up. Try to focus on the "whats", and accept that the energy that you would potentially spend trying to "teach your A" could be put to sooooo much better use....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
**only way I could "win", was by living my life, and no longer being enmeshed in hers.... The sweetest revenge is often to simply live your life honorably and with your head held high, and he will see that 1000 times more than if you "tell" him what he caused, or how you want things to be, etc.....**
This is in my head, as I know this is the way I would want him to see me now...confident, living good and proud of being me....trouble is getting there!!! But I'm smiling now which is good...and it helped that I wailed one of those little stress balls against the wall!!!
When I was in rehab, we had a session on unresolved anger and had to write down the person we were angriest at.
Then they put a big target up on the wall and we were to imagine a picture of who it was we were angry at, and threw balled-up socks at the target.
I had no idea I had so much anger deep inside, and by the time I was done throwing, I was sobbing, and had to run to my room because I actually threw up!
I still keep balled-up socks handy at home when I find myself angry with someone!
Those Nerf bats work really well on trees too, though you might want to be careful about neighbors seeing you do that! LOL!
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
to my comment about me yelling at my son. I do not think I derserved this kind of a comment. I am here for help, and I admit my mistakes. Yes, it was not good that I yelled at my son. However if you would have kept reading you might have read this part:
"I am just really worried about all the pent up anger and I don't want to hold it in and have it fester. That's where I am worried."
People make mistakes. It progress not perfection. And by the way, I apoligized profusely to my son.
I went through a bout of panic attacks during my separation and divorce. It felt like a heart attack instead. Makes sense to me now, my heart was "breaking."
The members of my f2f fellowship told me that anxiety is fear-based and that FAITH will heal it. I have found this to be true. Please understand who I was... I NEVER thought I could live without my husband. I NEVER believed I could survive without him. How silly that is to me now, that I wouldn't trust my HP enough to take care of me and meet all my needs. But, at the time, my faith was weak. I thought I had faith, but certainly not the faith that has come from practicing this program. So, it helped for me to "practice" trusting HP. Just practice this, because it certainly won't come all at once and some days will be better than others. And that is okay. Faith in your HP, faith in the 12 steps and faith in this fellowship. We're walking in new shoes and they aren't always comfortable at first, we gotta break em in.
You will notice how you have the urge to react to your anger. This is where it is good to remember that anger is one letter short of Danger. Our emotions seem very real to us and we begin to feel we need to "do" something about it. They are NOT REAL! When I feel angry, I go to the fellowship... phone a member, or get to a meeting and throw my anger out on the table, vomit it up, get the poison out. It is safe with the fellowship. It is not safe to act on anger because then, I usually will have to make amends later. When I try to force MY WILL, my life becomes unmanageable.
Bottom line is, my serenity is in direct proportion to my level of acceptance. Acceptance is the solution to all my problems. If I think that someone else is causing my problem, I am insane. My happiness is my responsibility. Nothing terrible has ever happened, except in our thinking.
We're walking together in our new shoes (((mslouise))) Sometimes, we're a little wobbly, but in this fellowship, we hold each other up
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Dear mslouise, I know I have beaten myself up in the past for snapping and yelling at my kids. We are only human. I don't excuse it, and I do apologize to them when it happens, but when you are carrying such a heavy load on your back you sometimes have to stop to throw it off your back or your back will break. I try not to take out my frustration on them and for the most I don't. But, sometimes it happens. I hope one day they will understand, and not be angry themselves. I know they always are loved, and they know that too, like your son knows how much you love him. It's ironic that so much compassion is shown for the addict and not for the human carnage they leave in their path. Hang in there better days will come! Olga
Just want to add that another tool I've used with anger is writing a letter.... write out everything you want to say to him. Then turn it over to HP... A god box has proven very powerful for me, going through the action of actually handing it over. I've written MANY letters to my exAH. And, today, I am grateful that I never spoke those words. My anger was a big part of me at one time, but not the best part.
Remember step 10... restraint of pen and tongue.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I can say today that I am so glad I didn't go over and confront my ex when I was so mad. I wouldn't have wanted to give him that satisifaction. And today I am back to my normal (as normal as I can be at this point) self. I will have these days again I am sure, but now I have my tools handy...I will write it down...I have a nerf bat and some rolled up socks...and I have this board and my meetings to take it too. I am slowly letting go. I didn't even think of him much yesterday. I just have the feeling that my HP has something better ahead for me. Keep on going!!! Thank you all!!!
Thank you for your reply. I know the longer I don't see/talk to him the easier he will be out of my mind. 
