The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I find that things I used to think were cute and sweet... calling/texting all the time, wanting to be with me all the time, etc. have turned into red flags. It's a very fine line between sweet and irritating. In the past I couldn't get enough and thought something was wrong if I didn't hear from him all day long. Now I catch myself wondering if something is wrong and then saying to myself oh well something must have come up, who cares, more fish in the sea, etc. I find myself overanalyzing what people say - finding scary meaning in everything. I have never felt in the past like I really enjoyed my freedom and didn't want to give it up. I always wanted to be with someone else, have them take care of me, make me happy, etc. Now I get scared thinking about being with someone because I don't want to lose that freedom. I feel so confused. I want intimacy and a caring relationship but not a sick and controlling one but at the same time I feel afraid to trust someone else to do the right thing too.
I know this is kind of rambling but I'm trying to work this out in my head how to let go of control without feeling insecure. How to trust someone when everyone in my past has been untrustworthy. How to care but not so much that I give myself up. To be with someone because I genuinely enjoy their company and not because I'm afraid to be alone. To be strong enough to walk away at the first sign of trouble rather than hanging on too long thinking that he will change or this will fix itself.
I would love to hear any inspirational stories about ways that this came about, how others have been able to achieve any of these, etc.
You know I had that. I met a guy last year who wanted to be with me all the time. He set stuff up without asking me and presumed I was available 24/7. I was absolutely furious and cut him off. He lives nearby and I often wonder did I cut off too soon? In retrospect I think I did the right thing. I am way too over committed at the moment to take on a full scale relationship.
I believe I have changed. I certainly wanted overinvovlement day and night before. Now when I see people who hang on every word and are "needy" I am put off. I was that all my life and have compassion but I also know I can get in to some swampy waters going there.
I am also quite frankly more focused on me these days. Before it was how can I get people to take care of me (and of course I never got taken care of). Now I do it myself.
For me, it was just Let Go and Let God. Breathe. I liked the idea of there being green flags too! LOL! That was a novel idea for me! I liked that!
I am going into a new relationship with eyes wide open. I haven't seen anything I dislike yet about him, but this time I am dealing with growing actual, real, feelings instead of letting lust rule my head. Guess I finally grew up, after the age of 50!
I am watching, taking my time. Analyzing, yet not overly, of things he says and things he does. I am going to trust my gut feelings this time. I never did. I always glossed things over and said "Well, he's cute, but as soon as I change A, B, C, D, E......he'll be perfect!" Never again!
I made a list of things I liked and things I didn't, and so far, there's nothing on the do not like side. He is sweet, dependable, kind, gentle, good to his parents, to animals, etc. Can't say enough good things about this man. Never met anyone like him. All the others were cookie cutter imitations of one another. Now I know what to look for!
Ok well that was helpful...green flags... I have a date with this guy on Monday and I think I may actually be interested and he may be prospective and I'm going anyway. LOL I'm going to be myself, I'm not going to care what he thinks, I'm going to relax and let whatever happens happen.
