The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I can only hope that the trend of deep pain in this program is often a spring board to really great joy. The prequel is so very difficult though.
Saturday I had this wonderful dialogue with AH and felt like we were getting somewhere for once. I used all my al anon tools while talking, totally different by having dialogue vs no response back & forth with AH. Not so as his ending litany was like a sound bite that has been repeated in the past over & over. I felt very good not to accept what he told me I was, what I do wrong, kept my cool, expressed my anger, left in a kind way.
This was such freedom from all the disapproval, blame, & pain I had sucked in during the past times before al anon. Able to interact shortly with family rather than feel numb and silent for hours.
The next day, one of my kids made me realize how a like she is to my AH. I never had a chance to express my total thought with out arguement, disapproval and eventual I don't want to talk to you with a hang up on the phone. An hour later she talked to AH which is good but my heart just has hurt so much since for lack of AH understanding and even just feeling feelings that I don't understand yet.
I know it is good for the connection with AH & his kid, better that it is not me who doesn't relate and it feels badly to try, I had felt such freedom just a day before so this crash is so painful. The reality of losses do pile up when one loss is felt, they all are felt. Just holding on and knowing the pain will pass but not understanding it completely doesn't help. Emotional toll has me struggling so much that it seems endless and impossible that it could ever be more even keel of emotional health.
I've tried a few things to move on but for the moment I am just plain stuck and want to sleep too much. Sleep is like avoidance for me so sleeping away my life is probably not the best idea. Maybe writing it out will help. I keep trying but so very tired of trying to feel better. Tired of always looking like the worse or craziest in this family as it seems to me. Too tired of being tired.
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
((((((((((((((dear sweet ddub)))))))))))))) I hear you and I feel your pain too. Keep going, keep talking, keep here with your family who love and care.
I know just how tired you are of being tired...I just know. I am praying for you and sending you refreshing sleep and peace from across the waves tonight. I am waving to you now...even though my head is still not clear eyed and straight thinking...I am waiting to walk this path with you.
Together we will make it to the next hurdle, you and I and all the others in this family who need each other to help each other along that tough journey we have chosen toward recovery and blue skies and sunshine.
With love Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
just keep putting one foot in front of the other during times like this....this life is soooo full of deep pains and joys and the back and forth is truly exhausting sometimes. especially when it comes to our kids!
find your joy in the small ways you can.....for me it is often just a tree out the window, or a smile from a stranger. treating myself to something special at the bakery. a long hot shower. a walk almost always clears my head. or reaching out to a trusted friend to laugh about how ridiculously hard this life is!
It is painful. Don't know why. This is going on four years of separation for me. I went to bed crying. I understand when you think it is going well and your using your alanon skills and the outcome turns out crap. But we have to just trust our HP as to where he/she is going with all this. I always, always try to be productive, take care of myself from a health standpoint, and get the focus off of HIM. Keep working your program.
