The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't posted here in a long time. I need to stay close to the program because I am living in fear. Last Monday my ABF took 10-12 Adavan and drank way too much. I am so scared for him I don't know what to do. He is in rehab once again. And I went to family group this last weekend and family day. I know that I can't save him. It has to be his recovery. But the codependent in me just wants to love him better and pretend that it can actually happen. I hate the disease that the alocholic suffers from. It is truly powerful, cunning and baffling. And it certainly doesn't discriminate.
I just want my hurting to stop. I have to know when I am sick and tired of being sick in tired. I have told my ABF that this is it. It is too much for me. I can't take it anymore. I have to stop my insanity.
So I ask you all now, how do I know when enough is enough? Any words of wisdom?
Only u know when enough is enough , no one can answer that for you . I am assuming that u are not attending Al-Anon for yourself , I strongly urge u to do so . this is truly too much for us to handle alone . if love could cure alcoholism we wouldn't need treatment centres , AA or Al-Anon . love or the lack of it has nothing to do with this disease . This is a equal oportunity disease and your right it does not discriminate . You need support and u will find it in al anon meetings . hopefully u will find a meeting soon . Louise
For me and many of my friends/family that have walked through the al-anon doors, it took time and understanding. Pain is a great motivator... and when I was "sick and tired" of being "sick" and "tired", that is when I started working on me.
The toughest thing for me was detaching with love ~~ understanding that it wasn't all a personal attack on me... my ex wife has a disease that incorporates depression, addiction and codependency. She is hurt... and hurt people, hurt other people. It is my job to not let toxic people affect my self-esteem or self-worth.
and keep coming back.
with love and hope, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I can add that for me it was too much for me, and it felt better to have him gone than to sit there and watch him die. He never talked, never ever laughed or smiled.
That was horrible as we always joked and had fun with each other.
Most of us know when we have stopped wanting to be involved anymore. It will come to you.
that is why so many go back, they were not ready to let it go.
Well part of the reason.
It is horrible, my dear A has been zapped back two times that I know of. sigh. He is an evil mean person now.
What makes ya think he did it on purpose? The disease is killing our A's everytime they use, and even when they are just not using with no program. It still usually eats their heart away.
I honestly do not believe they do it on purpose. I believe they are so drugged up they want more. they don't ever want to be straight again and have to look at all the horror of their lives.
Can you imagine?? ouch it would be awful. No wonder they cannot stop using.
My A was a very nice boy, teen, adult now he is evil walking. He lost friends, including my first husband,father, brother, my mother, his son cannot stand him, he has lost all respect of others, his business, he got out of jail with zero,not even a toothbrush and never asked me for any of it.
So when he is straight,ALL that pain hits him, grief, regret, horrible horrible pain from losing his close brother and very close friends. His mother is in a nursing home and is nuts. When they use their life pains away, they never heal from any of them.
I cannot even imagine the guilt and helplessness and hopelessness they feel.
ick.
You can always love him inside your heart,but you don't have to be involved with him. there is nothing that says you cannot take a break. Give yourself a week to start, then add on more. Maybe you will come to see it is better with out him.
Remember, it is true, they are our drug of choice. I longed and admittingly still long to help my husband. Husband, sounds so strange.
Hon you will know when ya know. sending your heart a big feather pillow to feel safe in. love,debilyn
It sounds to me like you have already answered that question. Enough is enough when you say it is. You have to ask yourself, "Do I want to continue on feeling like this?" We come to Alanon because we are sick. We need to focus on ourselves. You can be loving and supportive of your boyfriend's recovery without getting into all of the "drama" with his disease. But you have to have a program in place. Leave his recovery up to him. Concentrate on yours.
We seek recovery for ourself because we need it. Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if he chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life, and living the life you so richly deserve. It's about taking care of you. It's about taking care of you.
In order to do that, you need Alanon. Please get to some face to face meetings. The dynamics of a sober relationship vs. an active one are very different. When AH came out of rehab, he changed. I had to change too. I found Alanon a bit late, but I was so glad I did. With all the relapses he went through, if I remained the same person I was, I would have ended up in the hospital myself. I would have been just as sick, if not sicker. Do this for you. I wish you and him all the best in your recoveries. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
If you can bottle up all that effort that would have gone into trying to "love him better", and use it instead to fall in love with yourself all over again - I think you'd find the results truly remarkable.... he's on his path - who knows where - maybe recovery, maybe suicide, maybe somewhere in between......
Sounds to me that it is time for you to find YOUR path, regardless of him..... Once healthy, your future may or may not include him - that likely depends on a lot of variables that you cannot control....
Bring the focus back to YOU, and your relationship with yourself. I promise you, you ARE worth it.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank you all so much for your posts. I am going to go to my second Alanon mtg tomorrow night. I am nervous and keep making accuses to go to Alanon for some reason. Well actually I know the reason...I'll have to look at myself and learn about myself. It scares me. But I need to do it if I want to come out of all this sane. I just need to walk through the pain and feel it.
If you can bottle up all that effort that would have gone into trying to "love him better", and use it instead to fall in love with yourself all over again - I think you'd find the results truly remarkable.... I promise you, you ARE worth it.
Wow, wow, and wow! What a powerful read this was, Tom, and so very true for me.
I wouldn't trade the journey of self-discovery for all the gold in the world!
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
From the early ages in my life I was programmed to take care of other people. My mother was sick for 15 years.
I don't know where to begin or how to really, truly know myself. It's a darn scary thing. I am 42 and I feel like a baby learning how to walk. It is just ridiculous. Frustrating.
well some of how we do it is one day at a time. Of course many of us are beginners at this. I don't think that means we don't know how or can't learn how.
Detaching is such an art form. Some of us have to dive into it full force. I had to turn the A over so many times before I could do it easily. I could do it sometimes when I was around others.
I don't know that it helps to beat yourself up. For me the enough came from using the tools. I made a plan be, I could not imagine being without the A but I made a plan be. I turned it over, I practiced not knowing. Not knowing was so key for me. I still practice that if I know something I might think of it. I also started working on how "ill" I was.
Today I went and saw about getting some dental work done. I no longer beat myself to smithereens because I didn't do it before. I don't even know if I will be able to see it through but I did the step work. I keep putting out the step work. What can I do for me, what can I do today, what's up today for me.
I keep making progress. Its progress not perfection.
Put down the stick, take up the pen, write about how you feel. Be kind to yourself. You have been through enough pain, why heap it on by blaming yourself.
I certainly gave till I had nothing left to give and now I don't do that behavior. I found it impossible at first but I kept at it.
Stephanie, I started to detach when I realized I was hurting myself by staying attached. Life is short and I want it to have more rrom for joy, and less room for drama.
This site saved my life and sanity and taught me so much about the disease of addiction and of codependency. Mostly I learned to look at myself....and to accept some pretty awful seeming things....and I decided to change a lot, too.
One thing I did was start doing something peaceful for me....and then after I felt peaceful, I wrote a list of what I wanted. Dreams of how my life could be different. Simple things. Things I needed for my own temperments,moods,body,health,tastes,etc. Things that would make me feel more like ME.
I kept that list close to my heart. To this day, even tho the ABF has been out of my life for a year, I have to remember to care for ME.
