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Wondering if you all can answer a question? Here's the deal as quick as i can say it: IF someone asked for help with thier alcoholism and then you gave them the info and they didnt choose to do it or call the numbers, or do whatever it was, should others be doing it for them since they asked for help but maybe could not do it on thier own at the time?? Because I gave the numbers .. and presently this person is back to the old routine of denial and making excuses. I was thinking of just sending/mailing info out to the person's address with a short note for one more try that this person may make a decision to help themselves? Reason is, its hard to sit back and watch someone die. Basically thats whats happening. Its an inlaw of mine, not my husband or immediate family, but its my inlaw, and I wish I could help somehow further. Maybe he needs a person to direct him.. I cant tell the difference if its good or bad to that. Whats your experience or feedback? thank you all.
U gave him the info , he changed his mind it really is that simple . let it go . If u call AA for them they will tell u the person in trouble needs to make the call . AA is listed in every phone book , all he's gotta do is pick up the phone or jsut walk into an AA meeting . Your part is over now get help for yourself , find an Al-Anon meeting it is the best way i know to support the alcoholic , drinking or not .
The fact that this person asked for the numbers, is not a bad thing. Who knows? All you can do is let it go and hope this person picks up the phone. You can't make them recover. You did what they asked. You did your part. Maybe just say an extra prayer that they will call the numbers. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I basically (emotionally) dragged my exAW into her first treatment center.... I begged, pleaded, threatened, cried, etc..... after several years, I finally "won", and she allowed me to sign her up, take her down there, made all the arrangements, etc., etc...
It was a 28-day treatment center, and I remember being so relieved that she was finally going to get sober..... Guess what? She was drinking 11 days later, and the next two years made the previous five look like a walk in the park....
Two years later, through almost NO involvement from me (aside from her coming and ASKING for the number), she made the decision, 100% on her own, that she wanted to get sober. I handed her the number and walked away. She made the call, made the arrangements, and asked me for a ride to the Treatment Center. She was there for 53 days, and has been sober ever since.
I cannot come up with any rational reason why what you're suggesting might work - the A in your life has the information, and they are an adult (albeit a sick one). You have done your part.
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
My experience is this....the A asked for help. I help, the "help" I give isn't enough, is too much, is wrong, isn't helpful, etc and the A goes back to drinking because it is MY fault that he couldn't get sober.
The A asks for help. I say no. He gets mad, blames me for his continued drinking and all of the problems that result from that.
The A asks for help. I hand him a number for AA and I walk away. I do not ask him about anything, I refuse to answer anything for him. There is nothing I can do for him. I am not God and I cannot change his life.
best way to stay detatched is to do and say as little as possible for the A. Only works if they work it.
thank you all for your wonderful replies to my post. Its really good to hear and learn from you all since I am at a loss. The story thickens, or maybe not, but I wanted to mention something that makes me feel more responisible than I thought I would want to. This A I am speaking of, well when his mother recently passed away before she died she said to me to take care of him, Help him. Those were her last words, in tears.
I keep feeling maybe I needed to do more in her honor, but then again she spent her enitire not long enough life trying to get her grown son sober with all kinds of bad ideas, from therapy to belittling the guy. I tell you this, I do not want to become her or take over where she left off.
I dont see him much but he is on my mind, b/c I feel like maybe the guy needs someone to say He can do it, he just has to make his own calls.
From reading what you are all saying I guess my best work would be to do NOTHING, for him. I did give him tons of numbers, spoke to rehabs for him, got him meeting times, etc,, and now thats it I guess. Of course I would like to fix it, or help fix it. I have spent years trying to "fix" those people, including the woman who just died, I thought I could help her to stop helping them. Funny or not so funny that she would turn to me on her death bed and say to me "HELP HIM".....
Anyway, feedback welcomed. thank you for letting me share this somewhere.
Sounds to me like you are starting to trust your gut instincts, in a good way... His Mom was likely a loving person, and meant well, but truly wasn't equipped with the healthiest ways to deal with her son, and his alcoholism. For her to ask you to continue on this path that she laid, would likely bring no success....
You have done what you needed to do for your A..... Time to hand him over, including handing HIS recovery back to him. He might choose sobriety, or he might not. Either way, you have precious little effect on his choices.
Glad you posted this - it's a great subject.
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
