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Please help. I know there are those out there who have been through this and have some story to tell me that will help me make a good decision about what to do.
I am 36 weeks pregnant and my ABF has been sober and so wonderful for the past two months with no incident. I put up strict boundaries but in no way have tried to force him to quit drinking; he has made that decision alone, and has been so proud of the positive changes in his life because of it.
Lately he lost his job and is having to borrow money from me and his family to stay afloat. He is so talented and I know he will find more work soon. I try not to mention money to him, and know this will work out. He has been spending a lot of time at home or out fishing, but has been so absolutely wonderful to me, so understanding and kind and thoughtful and helping me, even going to childbirth classes with me and getting excited about our child (he was drinking heavily when I found I was pregnant and it has been a rough road to here).
Today he went fishing and then called at 7 pm to tell me he was going to get a burger and watch a ball game at a place @ 30 min. away. I called him back at 10 or so to see how he was doing...but no answer. In fact, no answer until 1 a.m. I really couldn't even imagine he had been drinking because we've been living this totally normal life. It was a rainy night with lots of deer out and I thought he must have had an accident. I drove all the way out to check the roads and found his rig at the bar.
When I walked in he was flirting pretty close-up with a girl. I did not even care, I just rushed up to him and embraced him and told him how happy I was he was okay (my preg hormones had me imagining the worst and so scared!). The girl next to him disappeared and he did not embrace me back..."What is your problem?" he asked me. I took us outside and noticed he was wasted. He was like, "What is wrong with you? Why are you here?" I told him I was worried about him since he had not answered his phone in three hours and really this had not happened in months so I thought...
I convinced him to get in the car as he was in no condition to drive home. I honestly was just so happy to see him alive & okay. The whole way home he accused me of kidnapping him and taking him away from the fun he was having and calling me crazy and asking me why did I do it and what was wrong with me. As much as I tried to explain that I am pregnant and we have not had this issue in months so I thought something bad had happened he did not care. He was drunk and pissed at me and he let me know it. He said I had not called him back quick enough and it was my own fault he did not answer his phone.
All the anxiety and worry that had welled up in me broke and I started sobbing, and my belly started contracting and I tried to just drive and not antagonize him, but he had plenty to say. He kept telling me I was faking it and trying to manipulate him and I was just getting more scared and the contractions were hurting more and more.
When we finally got home I got some water and tried to do some breathing exercises and relax, which helped, but he kept trying to leave and hitchhike back to his rig and started telling me that he was not going to be manipulated by me again, that he was not in love with me, that the only reason he had been kind to me over the past months was because he cared only for his child, that I could never love him the way he wanted to be loved, that we would never last. He told me that this was him and he would never change.
I was really starting to contract and be scared and said I wanted to go to the hospital. He said he would go, but I said no, he was drunk. He was really drunk. My best friend's phone was off when I tried to call her and the contractions were getting strong. I was really sobbing by then, and so scared and feeling so alone when just this morning he had woken me with kisses and "I love you's." Now he kept telling me to stop being ridiculous, that this had happened before (I have had mild contractions before that were also really scary, but knew that relaxing could calm them down), that we were not having the baby tonight and so on.
Still, they hurt and I was trying to relax. I finally had to go into a room alone and close the door to try and relax and make them subside, and so he could not hear me trying to breathe, which was making him angry and say more things to me I just didn't need to hear right then.
Eventually, he passed out in the guest room after a long litany of complaints about how I was no good in his life and he wanted to move out and not be with me any more. I just told him between breaths, "Fine. That's fine if it's the way you feel. I am okay with it. We will move on. I do hope we can be friends." He kept accusing me of "kidnapping" him and ruining his night out alone, and I just said I'm sorry a thousand times and told him I understood how he feels now and hoped we can be friends for the sake of the baby.
But I'll be d****d if I let him around our child to talk to them that way ever in my life. I grew up with a father who did that to me and my sisters when he would get drunk and stressed and the cycle of that abuse will STOP with me.
I gave him this chance to show me he could stay sober and kind and it was wonderful, and I wish we could go back to yesterday when he was loving and an amazing partner to me, but now there is tonight, and everything he saidwhich I am sure he means in some way, even if it is just projecting onto me his own insecurities.
I'm so scared of doing this all alone, really scared. I really thought he was going to pull through for us and the baby but what do I do? Finally my contractions have subsided and become less frightening, but what if he does this on the night I really go into labor? I don't really have a lot of support here. I run my own business and have been working and will have to work so hard in the next few weeks/months and as emotionally unstable as I feel tonight, I just don't know if I can handle this kind of breakup right now.
We have been together five years and he is definitely 100% better than he used to be, but all this abuse just really wears me down. I simply hate being his excuse for being unhappy all the time, and when he lets it all out like tonight, I feel crushed, sometimes even like I cannot go on. I'm scared to have a newborn around if this happens. I kept telling myself tonight that no matter what I am going to be stronger than the situation for the sake of the baby, but again, I was crushed.
Please, someone give me a story, let me know what you may have done in this situation. I am about to have this baby and I don't know what to do. I'm terrified he will wake up in the morning and walk out on us for good and not look back, because I know he loves us and he is just so depressed right now. But at the same time, maybe I should tell him to stay away from me. This is so difficult and thank you for listening to me. I thought I had become strong but I am weak and all I can do I feel is pray for my HP to guide me to the right way in my life, for the life of my child.
We do not have FTF Al-anon meeting here in my tiny community, and I am so thankful for this board where I spend so much time reading to stay strong. Thank you all for your inspiring stories. I hope one day I am posting such things myself, but right now I just feel like his used-up garbage and like someone who has ruined another's life. I know I am more beautiful than this, but it's hard to see right now.
Remember, that horrible person was not your A. It was a horrible disease using him as a puppet, a demon.
That person who loved you in the morning is still there, and I bet you see him again.
This shows you how horrible strong aism is. He would even drink when his g friend is about to have his baby.What sane person would do that?
You wrote "frightened" a couple times. Remember he is too, for an A to have to face that, no excuse just fact, is insurmountable as far as he is concerned.
It did concern me to see you say that twice. Have you been to classes, read about labor and birth? Do you know the breathing skills? um the meds you can use if you choose for pain?
It is not too late if you haven't. To be educated about your pregnancy will make you feel better.
Hey I remember feeling so good,that my AH would be there when I had the baby. He wasn't.
I was so sad, but determined I could do it alone. dumb me could have called any friend. so a nurse sat and we talked thru most of my labor.
Back then we were into the natural childbirth OUCH! ! but worth every owee,
My second, I got pg by accident, he came back from the viet nam war, I got pg the first night he was home....thought i had the flu, was pg. horrified as I did not want to go thru that again.
this time I had a friend with me. made all the difference in the world. AH was out drunk.
Hon if you have to, you can do it with out him. It is sad I do know. For now think of you and your baby. He is a big boy, he has to figure his own stuff out.
YOU are the number one right now. I am so excited for you. Babies are so cool. If you can relax as much as you will. I was so up I thought i had to pay all my attention to the baby,Raini, as she was nursing. lol I thought it was wrong to watch tv and nurse...what an idiot. haha
Think about enjoying your little one. Do your best to just feel the love for your A right now, and let the rest go. He is sick with a disease,that is not your problem.
Believe me he still loves you very much.
Again think about you and this baby. Those slings you guys are using now are so neat. I had many front packs for my kiddo's. Rode my bike with raini in the back bike seat and Mac in my front pack! Long haired hippie type moma!
Gads I would LOVE to read about your pg thought, baby things, names? etc
keep coming back and sharing. please.
We got to share a gal named Jeannie's birth and child. Same story as you she did great.
I'm not your typical person on this website. I don't feel sorry for your boyfriend, think he has a disease, or think you need to wait around for the off chance that he'll bring back the love he gives you sporadically. He decided to get drunk, he decided to cuddle up to another woman, and he decided to abuse you. You can wait around if you want, or you can take matters into your own hands and get the hell out of there. You seem so strong from your post. You don't deserve this, and he seems to tell you that you do. It's alright to support someone in their sobriety struggle, but he refused right to that support when he did something unforgivable.
That baby deserves better. I wish my mom had felt that way when she was pregnant with me. Instead, she supported the alcoholic who had a "disease" (oh poor him) and in return put me into a terrible situation, with emotional scars I still carry around today. You can't make the decision on if he will decide to be sober tomorrow, but you can make the decision on if your child will have to deal with him.
Well, a couple of things. You need to set really good boundaries right now. You need to prioritize - take care of you, then baby, and leave the A until last. I can remember laying on the floor in the bathroom crying when I was pregnant with one of my babies. The babies hear everything in the womb. My AHsober was gone in his disease. You can't care more about him and whether he loves you/baby then you care about yourself. Keep looking for a F2F meeting. I live in a really, really small town and it is surprising what goes on. Go to an AA meeting for YOURSELF if you have to. Start an Alanon group if you have to. Remember that this is a disease and not about you. Keep coming back.
gosh boundaries are hard stuff when we are feeling vulnerable and alone. I can imagine you feel devastated and like your A has set out to destroy you. Certainly there is nothing personal in his disease.
I do know when I got here I was totally exhausted and out of it and ill and wretched. If you can spend as much time as you have here that would be good.
There are lots of skills you can learn here, one is to de-tach. No matter what your boyfriend does you have caused none of it. You can stop going to search for him and turn it over to a HP, we call that doing a step one. No matter what he is doing you cannot stop him from drinking and using.
Of course you want and need someone with you at this scarcy time. Is there someplace you can go and stay and some friends who will look out for you.
When things are really tough its a good idea to take it one day at a time. Stop projecting into what your boyfriend will or won't do. They will or won't do something regardless of how we act. We adopt a saying here, we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it. So no you cannot stop your boyfriend from drinking but there are many many things you can do to take care of you. One is to spend as much time as you can here, read the archives. Get the book getting them sober from the post at the top of this page. Canadian guy is giving it away!
Please be kind to yourself. Try to eat and drink and rest a lot. Try not to think about anything else but getting through this difficult time. We have all been there in many many ways. No one here is going to tell you shoulda coulda woulda. You can learn to take care of yourself, you can learn to deal with whatever happens but take it slow. Take it easy and be kind to yourself. Try to de-tach from feeling overwrought and upset. We have all been there, getting upset didn't change the A one bit. He had his disease and he was going to be in it until they have the inkling to stop and that's not in our "control".
I hope you will decide to stay around. There are many many people here with children who have been through all kinds of diffcult situations. They have lived and they have a life now they love and enjoy and thrive in. You can too.
My ABF (ex now) and I broke up about two months ago. I can absolutely related to your feelings of anxiety and fear. It is by far the worst feeling and what is happening to you is very painful. My heart goes out to you.
I know it is scary to think about a life without him. That is exactly what I kept thinking. The truth is, I was more afraid of letting go bc that meant I also wouldn't know his "every" move. That was the hardest part at first--harder than being "alone." Let's face it, being with the A is sometimes lonelier than being without him.
Two months have passed and I have to say that I am glad that I don't know what he is doing or where he is. It is not my problem--never was--but I made it my problem. He brought more misery to my life than he did joy the last few months, and he, too, like your BF, had sober weeks where life was absolutely amazing. But those times never lasted (or we'd still be together). Since he's been out, he's gone as long as 3 weeks sober, but that was four weeks ago now (he drank a week ago Sunday). For me, that last time he drank, was the final straw. He called me, drunk, and the next day tried to apologize. I did not accept his apology and spent at least three days doubting how I responded to him. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that my happiness comes first, and that his drama and his problems are his own. I went to a F2F meeting and it reminded me that I have to take care of myself. Talking to him, seeing him, etc. is not healthy for me.
I tell you all of this bc I want you to have hope that things may seem scary, but a few months from now, if you choose to leave him, you will look back and realize just how much scarier your present situation is. Your future can be anything you want it to be, and you owe happiness and security to yourself and to your baby. Do what is right for you and the baby. Hopefully, your BF will get on the road to recovery and be able to come back to you and make positive contributions to your life.
