The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have not seen my AGF since last Sun. She has been on a 'bender'. We did not speak all week as I felt like I needed some space. We have been in text contact. She reckoned that she was dry since thursday. Today she drove 16 miles to my house whilst I was at work to 'see me' but left before I got back. As it turned out she was full of beer. She took £20 from my house, a bottle of champagne and some vodka and she even ate the dog's chicken! When I got home she had gone back to her place so I rang her. Immediately I could tell she was half cut. To cut a long story short i have told her I don't want to see her any more. I can't put up with her lies and deceit. She has dissolved into tears and said that if I had let her stay with me today she wouldn't have drunk any more. I don't feel responsible for her drinking but I do feel guilty telling her I don't want to see her any more. I actually do want to see her sober but she point balnk refuses to go get help (1000 excuses). I am beating myself up about this here. It's a cold, wet, windy night and I feel alone, guilty and mean. I know that I have to get myself focussed on me but does this ever end? Will I ever get strong again and not feel like a quivering wreck who is a donkey bank? Thanks for reading!
It gets better over time with work (always a catch eh?) Literature, meetings, steps, slogans, suggestions...HIGHER POWER, getting humble.
What you are going thru; beating yourself up, negativity, alone, guilty, sad, and mean is normal I learned when first coming here. I knew nothing else to do and I was doing something I knew I wouldn't want to happen to me... rejecting another person. Actually I was rejecting the behavior and consequences that came from what the other person was doing and how I was reacting to it. I accepted that NO one liked to be stolen from, lied to, cheated on, acted crazy with and that everyone was seeking peace of mind and serenity in life. I wasn't alone. I learned these things from within the meeting rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups face to face meetings. How you want to be treated is also how you want to treat others and treating a person who abuses you that way is inviting more of the dis-ease. It's okay to stop it. It's okay to be quiet and secure with yourself. It's okay to say NO or NO MORE!!. It's okay and expected.
You can lay the mallet down and stop beating up on yourself for not being perfect or exercising your value system with someone who isn't on the same page or room or space with you. A drunk isn't into reality or normal...they are altered in reality and behaving unexpectly. It's okay to step out of it for you peace of mind and serenity.
Find out where the face to face meetings for the Al-Anon Family Groups are and go the next earliest meeting you can. There is tons of literature there some free, some for sale at cost, and more experience, strength and hope than you can handle in a day from people who have worn your shoes. If you don't have a concept of a Power Greater than Yourself or your alcoholic as for help with that. When I found my Higher Power (God as I understand God) my alcoholic wife stepped up her activities to regain the throne. I gave it away or lost it and the disease lost power and control while the program became more important.
This program changed my life. While originally I came in because I had married the alcoholic I soon realized that the problem was indeed me and not only alcoholism.
Sounds like you did a good job. There are plenty of people here who are not quivering wrecks. Some people do have 1001 excuses. That's why it is good to be ready for them. I would suggest reading Getting the Sober which is offered by Canadian guy at the top of this page.
Hi there...I sure have felt those feelings you describe. Some days are harder than others, but keep focusing on what truly brings you peace, and trust that, and take tiny steps in that direction. What helped me so much was the classic book on co-dependency by Melodie Beattie...."Co-Dependant No More" . It was so helpful for me to really look at myself, outside of just my chaotic life with my A. I learned to see my struggles as part of a bigger picture and I learned how to forgive myself and choose another way for myself. There is a time to feel what you are feeling....but believe me....this does not last forever! Keep coming back. Being honest and brave with myself and my higher power was critical. As was this website. Remember to love your self.... Fifi
Are you English?LOVED your post. What in the world is a donkey bank?
It is hard to send them away, in truth you are sending the disease away,sadly our A's body goes too.
Yes you will feel better in time. Maybe you will see she has her own place in the world and can take care of herself.
Again if we make them comfy, all it does is keep them well enough to continue killing themselves.
You are a very kind person, your post shows that big time. I know it is sort of off, but with so much love to give, maybe go visit friends, voluteer somewhere.
Maybe go on your own path to you. keep coming back, meetings, literature, us. alanon is here for you.
Yes am English! A donkey bank is like a cash machine on legs, loyal, forgiving and full of money to bail out the needy! Today is a struggle. My GF says she is not a thief but she has stolen from me my peace of mind, my self-confidence, my self esteem and my sense of me,. Hopefully by reaching out to you gorgeous people I can get back into a position to regain some of those things. It's not going to happen overnight but I feel that I am taking one small step at a time. Here's to my future! Keep being there for me! Thanks and love.
