my A-ex-boyfriend had emergency surgery on his spine (the first surgery went wrong) and he asked if he could come stay with me, would i help him with dressing changes and other little things. i said yes, as long as he didn't bring his way of taking out his anger on me back with him. so far so good, he's gotten angry but takes himself on time-outs. one night, he even apologized, as in "i'm so sorry for everything i've done." i'm watchful, but haven't been hypervigilant yet.

ok. so, today, he told me he needed to tell me something about his prescription drugs - post-surgery, he's been on vicodin, dilaudid, valium, and then morphine. right now he's supposed to take dilaudid, and then up to 2 morphine per day for breakthrough pain. he has a "pain contract" with his doctors, i can't believe they gave him a bottle with 60 morphine in it. so basically he has a bag full of bottles of all the drugs he used to be addicted to, and was clean of for 22 years - he admitted to me his vicodin addiction before the first surgery, less than a month ago. he says he's in contact with both AA and NA sponsors and friends, and when he's gone he says it's to both AA and NA meetings. i guess could post to the NA board but feel more comfortable here. i mean, the core of it is his disease, his addiction to any substance, right?

i'm not tempted to count his pills, or counsel him not to take them. i've been really detached about the drugs, other than being prepared to make him leave if he gets abusive again. he told me today he needed to tell me something, he was scared to tell me ... finally he told me, he'd been thinking of taking morphine beyond the 4th day of the prescription (no idea why they gave him 60 pills instead of just 8!) and he didn't feel revulsion at the thought of taking it, so he knew he was in trouble. i asked if he'd called his sponsor, and if he'll go to meetings. he already had. i really appreciated him letting me know, i told him he can tell me anything because i have a daughter to protect and i need to be able to make informed decisions, not to mention i'm still his friend and i still love him very much.

tonight was a huge shocker, though. again, he said he was terrified of telling me something. gradually i assured him he could talk to me. he told me that he's been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder!!! inside, at first i wanted to scream "I KNEW IT!!" but i kept calm and listened. he's starting treatment and meds, he has a therapist and a psychiatrist, next week i go to his psych. with him (they want to speak with who he lives with 24/7 as part of his assessment).

i feel so horrible right now ... i am RELIEVED that he's bi-polar. how can i be happy that someone has a mental health issue???? it feels like it explains so, so much, though. looking back and reading the BP symptoms, it's no excuse but now there is a *reason* so many things happened, and there's hope of treatment - if he wants to work at it. same as AA, not a cure but he can be in recovery. i can understand it as best as i can, i can detach, i can check in with him on certain things. i feel hopeful for the first time in a long time!! we might even be able to make things work, since he's been able to open up to me so much.

on the other hand, BP doesn't happen overnight and he suspects he's had it all along. i feel very angry!! he could have spared me so much heartache and pain if i'd known what was happening, instead of feeling insane myself!!

so i feel relieved and angry at the same time. i feel guilty about feeling relieved. i feel angry at myself for feeling angry. i love this man so much and want to be with him, and now i learn he has MORE problems - then again he has more options for treatment and recovery. i'm so confused!!! and hurting so badly in my heart and i can't even figure out why.