The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am very new at this and counting the hours until my first meeting this eve. Going through some of the other posts i have seen a few about isolation. To be more specific, the A i have been involved with has been talking about selling everything he owns and just taking off. He hates his job (liked it last week), wants to sell his condo, car, etc... and get away from everybody because they are unreliable,a disapointment, blah,blah,... In the past i found all of this talk really hurtful, now it only bugs me a little bit (sometimes not at all) , because in the past i would jump through hoops to make him feel better, now realizing that it never worked anyways. He (we) have already become isolated from many friends.
After living together for 5 years, i moved out 2 years ago into my own place hoping my move would be a wake-up call. it didn't work. Usually we see each other several times a week, and talk a couple times a day, but for 3 days nothing. Right now that is a good thing for me, but i was wondering if the talk of running away is common?
Sounds pretty typical to me.... very common for "everything to be everybody else's fault", and their drinking & alcoholism has NOTHING to do with any of their problems..... yep... uh huh.... :)
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
My abf took off several times to get away. He just took off and left, usually to a different state, but always came back. He's now (not drinking for 6 months) talking about working in a different state because he's not making enough money here he says. Yes, he blames everyone else for everything, especially me. I think it is common. You are not alone.
The A who I was with run off regularly. Last year he spoke about running across country. I then discovered he was just saying that to freak me out. Now I have no idea where he is (somewhere in the state I think).
They don't seem to like responsibility do they?
I used to be devastated when the A did not speak to me. I hope you are taking care of yourself. Do you come here often? Do you focus on you?
I never ever imagined I would be able to "let go" but I did.
(ryan) I am glad you are going to your first f2f meeting tonight. It is a first step, but a giant step. Be sure and post after your meeting and tell us what you think. I already know, can't wait for you to find out for yourself. Like many of us here you will be a "Miracle In Progress".
I'm with canada guy on this one it is common , in program A 's call it a geographical cure , move new job new friends etc and all will be well , not !!!!! unfortunatley we t ake our problems with us just same old with new people. This is a disease and it travels well . Louise
the A in my life has been so awful for so long i think i am at the point where there is nothing he could say that would hurt me (but i am probably wrong), and like yourself, my A would sometimes not speak to me. sometimes he would pretend (for a couple of days) that i didn't exist. Living in the same 1 bdroom flat, and he acted like i wasn't there!! Now i find all of that a bit silly, but at the time it was HELL. It is the constant name calling and put-downs, walking on eggshells that i can't stand.
I am resigned to the fact that our relationship is probably over because he won't stop drinking, and i am fine with that. in fact, i don't even want to talk to him about his drinking again. I can do without an argument right now. Tonight will be my first meeting, i want to have the opportunity to explore myself and my feelings before i talk to my A. In the past i have been a sucker or a softy, and at times things have improved, but the good times lasted for a maximum of 10 days, and his moods and anger have been getting worse.
I feel like i have spent the last 7 years living somebody else's life. I love movies, but have been once in that time. i love nice restaurants, but only eat in pubs. My A and his drinking have ruled my life. The A would, on a regular basis, accuse me of having affairs. We lived together & worked together for years, when on earth did i have time to do this!!?!! Those are the accusations that hurt and as a result i stopped doing things that i like and stopped seeing my friends to avoid his wrath. The end result is just that i didn't do anything for myself, lost friends, and he would still find something to be angry about.
thanks everyone for your support. i will post after the meeting. I am really looking forward to it!!!! It feels good and kinda exciting just to have something of my own to look forward to. finding this website has been a HUGE help.
I liked to say when the A was drinking: "It was the disease talking, not him." You see I knew my A many years before we had any idea that he had a drinking problem. He was a late bloomer. So yes, this is not unusual. Here's the other thing, if he packs up and leave, would that be a bad thing? Just something to think about. Not worth wasting your time on what he says. Keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I spent so much time and energy focusing on what he said - could have saved myself a lot just by only paying attention to what he did.
And others are right about the laying blame. Sometimes it seems that that is as strong a symptom of the disease as the drinking is - almost all A's do it.
