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I'm at the point where I just want to end the relationship (if that's even what I can call it). Yesterday, I mentioned something that needed to be done and he made an argument out of it. It doesn't matter anymore if I argue back, or nicely state my opinion on matters, or say nothing. The last thing he yelled at me was "Shut the **** up" This is hurting me as I'm writing it. He used to say that and worse when he was active.
Of course I provoked it, made some comments, I knew better but lost my bit of serenity at that point. I went outside, started crying, told myself I needed to calm down and reminded myself of what I learned in alanon. I did get better after a while.
I did something for him yesterday before the 'argument' and he never thanked me, nothing. I didn't have to do it, but I wanted to. Now I regret it.
This morning he got mad at my daughter. He came and told me what she did and I told him I just woke up, and to just stop. He started yelling at me, I covered my ears. He said I needed to talk to her and fix the problem. I told him I'm not and to just leave me alone. What she did was not anything major, but I did talk to her about it after he left. I did not take sides either (that was a first I think). Told her not to let it ruin her day and to let it go. She said "that's what I'm doing mom", wow, I was impressed.
So I'm looking forward to him being gone this weekend for the last time. I will make it a point not to be home when he gets here this afternoon until he has to leave. I told him a few days ago I will not take his anger issues anymore.
I have noticed over the last few weeks this has been wearing me out, I am always tired like I used to be, can't seem to get enough rest. I'm sorry but I couldn't even tell you any of his good qualities right now, and I usually am a positive person and also see the good besides the bad.
Well he just called twice, I don't care if it rings off the hook. I read in someone's post "you don't have to answer every call" so this is working for me right now. I also feel bad for my daughter. She said to me yesterday that she really doesn't care for him being around. She said he's always mad. So I explained to her that part of the reason is because he isn't drinking anymore.
I also told her that he doesn't always mean what he says, etc. I think I told her just enough for her to know. Anyway, I believe it really does not matter if he has a reason to be upset or not, if the sky is blue or purple, he will get upset regardless. The thing is he always takes things out on me lately, I'm doing my best using the tools, and it still is too much for me. It's like I'm being targeted, and shot right in the center over and over again.
Right now it is way too much for me, but it will get better. Abby, before you say dejavue, usually things are good when I don't post lol.
When I first came to alanon I thought a lot of the things were easy to put into practice and I have come to realize that it's harder than I thought. Guess when you are used to doing things one way, it does take some time and lots of practice to change that. "progress not perfection" is what I tell myself a lot when I begin to beat myself up for slipping.
(quote) Told her not to let it ruin her day and to let it go. She said "that's what I'm doing mom", wow, I was impressed. (quote)
That might count as one thing that is getting better. Your daughter may be learning Al-Anon from you.
If you have a sponsor I would definitely be burning up the phone lines to her or perhaps to another Al-Anon member. When I am hurting my sponsor is the first person I call.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
hehe buick that was cute . Don't bite damit . he is looking for a reason to drink and would preferr that u be it . don't assage his guilt by arguing with him. I know sobreity is tough for everyone in the beginning , anger , frustration and fear seem to rule . Please don't make any life altertering decissions when in this mood it will be the wrong one . keep going to yur meetings , find a sponsor f2f and talk it all out . He needs you alot more than U need him and a part of him knows this and it is scarry as hell. i never sharred that little bit of info with my husb it was just something I knew and kept to myself . Your getting happy he isn't hell of a spot to be in . If there are any open AA meetings in your area I would encourage u to find one listen to others in recovery and it may help to understand his struggle , I know this is again about him but we have to stop taking these outbursts personally , it's not you / relax enjoy and let his stuff go . we do things for others because we want too -- expect nothing in return and u won't have a resentment
I don't have a sponsor for one I don't know any of the f2f people well yet, and I've also heard that everyone is too busy to sponsor anyone. Anyway, I have a good alanon friend I met here on the board that I talk to, whom I relate to well, and talking to her helps a lot.
Abbyal,
"He's looking for a reason to drink"? That's really scarey. I don't want to make any major decisions right now, for many reasons. Sometimes it just gets too much. He needs me a lot more than I need him, and part of him knows it? That's mind boggling. There is no way I will tell him that.
There are open AA meetings here, but at the same time as the Alanon meetings. I haven't been to a meeting in a while but will go again Monday. The last open AA speaker meeting I went to (and my first one) brought me a lot of clarity. The speakers story was very similar to mine and my bf's.
I try not to take those things personally, it is just very hard.
Just earlier while I was home before he left, I did not speak to him, he did not speak to me, no hello, nothing. Well he did say one thing (which was a complaint) and I did not react at all. That's what I had planned before I came home, and I stuck to it. I'm still very hurt from yesterday and am trying to let it go. He knows that he hurt me, there was no reason for me to say anything else to him today. He also called about 5 times troughout the day and I managed not to answer any of his calls because I don't HAVE to answer. I wouldn't have said anything nice anyway, or maybe I would have let him make it all okay by just saying sorry if that. This time I AM making my point. We'll see how things go when he comes back on Sunday. Until then it's time for my daughter and I.
Thanks you guys. Any more insight please let me know. I have sooo much more to learn.
They are pretty irritable they. This is not program but there is a mode of behavior called the Karpman's triangle. I was either in rescue, in resentment or in a mode of feeling very very angry at the. Any place in the triangle is not good. Of course for me I was never out of the triangle.
Well not having a sponsor doesn't mean you dont' have to work the steps. Working the steps is very very helpful.
Certainly detaching from an irritable, blaming alcoholic is hard. All detachment is hard at first. After a while it gets easier but it takes practice practice and some more practice.
None of us just end our relationships over night or fix them overnight either. I now the getting them sober book helped me. I think the title is actually wrong, the title should be Getting me sane!
I have a sponsor and it is great to have one nevertheless sometimes they are not available so having a lot of program resources is helpful.
The more I have worked the program the better I am. I can't say my life is hunky dory it isn't but it is better, much much much better than it was when I first got here and the biggest change has been "me" not my circumstances, "me".
I have never heard of the Karpman's triangle, I don't rescue anymore, I do have resentment, a lot of that is coming back because I'm being reminded of the past lately, angry yes, often, right now, I'm hurt. I'm still working on the first 3 steps, I can't seem to manage the 4th one yet. It's just too much to deal with right now.
I do need to constantly detach from his anger towards me lately, it is very hard, and like Abbyal said, not to take it personally. I read the book getting them sober and I agree with you, I would change the title too.
I'm glad you have a sponsor and are doing better than you were. You sound very strong in your posts and I admire that. I'm sorry about your roommate situation. This has got to be hard. Hopefully this will soon get better. You are in my thoughts.
