Dear Family and Debilyn, so sorry I have been absent...but that fall I had on 1 September took me into hospital and I have not been well since.

What with the medication that sent me on the weirdiest voyage into the unknown depths of stupor and feeling so spaced out that I thought I had been sent to Mars;  I have had some very unsettling days.

So much so I could not even speak words properly let alone compile a sentence and only yesterday did I come to realise I just how far out of it I had been. 

I had text people the most odd messages that did not make sense and thought every text message I had had back was from my granddaughter, the one who had been cutting herself.  I realise only now how worried and concerned and how much she was on my mind day and night.

I got back from that awful stay to look after the grandchildren to give my daughter a rest and some space at my house in middle England and had gone to the south coast to look after the children.  The day she got back I was removed from her house to my sons and stayed for three weeks because of the mess I was in after the violence and abuse I had gone through.  The day after I got back to my own home I slipped and fell in the supermarket and was taken to hospital with suspected spinal injury.

It was not and no bones broken, but I have been anywhere but here.  I have been off the planet, in the depth of despair and pain and drugged up to the eyeballs.  I have wandered the unknown and dark and wept and wept and wept.  I have lost and gain so much that it has all been worth every hurting bone, joint muscle, ligament, and spine as I have come to learn the meaning of trust to the enth degree.  I mean real trust.  True trust.  Trust that never will fail and will always sustain.

The last two weeks have been a battle to stay sane
and tomorrow I go back to my doctor's to sort out the drugs that have spaced me out.  I went walkabouts last Friday and have not got a clue what I was doing...even out in driving rain on crutches. From then on it went down hill.

I managed with the help of my friends from church to keep going until Wednesday when I had to go to get advice on my benefits and fell apart.  I have to face a tribunal for that one, and more medicals.

I have been adviced to seek injury compensation and have been trying to read forms, speak coherently and understand legal jargon that is way over my head.  For that I will need all my medical records to be sent to both sets of lawyers and undergo an independant medical.  How on earth they are going to assess the added injury to my back and knees I have no idea and am thinking about backing out of that one.  I need to really take my take before I take the next step there.  Maybe I have to wait awhile for my head to fully clear.

Today I am going to see my own doctor to discuss my situation now.  Next week I am going for counselling to try to get my head back in some sort of order.

In the meantime I have had some amazing insights that I want to share.

I have thrown away victories needlessly by not trusting in my HP (the God of my understanding), however I have learnt wisdom from these happenings.  And I have to say, I realise that there is only one I can fully trust and that is my HP.

I have been trying to walk around, climb over, bulldoze my way through the wall that my daughter has built up between us during the last 17-18 years and only now realise that I cannot walk around it, I cannot climb over it and I do not have a bulldozer to knock it down.  Only she has that and I have only one choice left in order to stay sane and that is to once and for all LET GO. LET GOD.

I can mourn the loss of her, I can feel broken hearted and sad.  I can still love her, which I do more than she would ever think EVEN  though I do not like her and have to admit to myself that she is a bully.

I can admit my error of judgment, and wisdom and I can learn from them too and I can forgive myself for no one is perfect, though we may all strife for some sort of human perfection.

I love her and always will.  I forgive for I feel her hurt and her confusion and her distress from her childhood and the alcolism and violence that she has seen and which her own husband inflicted upon her.  My heart will always be hers, as much as it is her brothers and my grandchildren.

My physical wounds will heal given time, and I can ask for help from my friends as I have learnt...they...unlike others before, are not going to dessert me even if I am falling apart and am spaced out and hurting and not making sense and am scared.

It is okay too to admit that I am scared of being alone, unloved, foolish, misguided and guilty of many mistakes.

I have to LET GO of all that and LET GOD lead me through this confusion, and hurt and heal my unseen wounds just I can let the doctor and the counsellor help me with my physical and my emotional wounds.

Meantime, I give thanks that I have been able to write this to my family after so many crazied attempts.

My fall caused far more injury than was at first diagnosed, so I have quite a few mountains to climb yet.

However, with my eyes staying focussed on the light and my hands holding the hands held out in love and support, I know I will make it through this time, in time.  Inch by inch it's a cinch, yard by yard it's far too hard.

I know I have quoted that before, but truly it is so wise and it stops me trying to climb Mount Everest before I can even climb my stairs.

Though I may not have been able to write or read of late, I have spent many an hour thinking of you individually and corporately.  And one thing I can still do is pray for ALL of US.

Suzannah