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Ok, I'll try and summarize my story. I've been married almost 33 years. We have 3 grown children not living at home. I discovered a year ago that my husband was hiding and drinking hard liquor. After being confronted, he vowed to try and stop on his own. Well, you probably know how that went. He seems to have cut down some (which he doesn't hesitate to point out to me), but is now hiding it in water bottles in his car. He doesn't know that I know it's there. About 2 months ago, while on vacation with the family, my daughter confronted him about his drinking (she admits now it was poor timing on her part) and he blew up. He really hasn't spoken to her since. They used to have such a close relationship - jogging together and going out to breakfast, sharing similar interests. I asked him how far he was willing to go with this - lose his family, his home? None of the kids really want to be around him at home because he doesn't act like himself. He has no answer for me, just gets defensive. I begged him to see a counselor and he absolutely refuses. I know I can't fix him (like every resource says), that I need to work on what makes me happy, but it's hard. I feel like I'm losing 33 years of my life and everything we've worked for. Actually, Saturday is our 33rd anniversary...he is working that day (a firefighter) so will probably want to go to dinner tomorrow. I really don't want to go; it feels pointless to celebrate a marriage that is a sham. Should I go anyway? It's just dinner. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Hi there and hugs ((())) and welcomes.... My husband is an binge drinker and well I am new here to. The best advice I can give you, is what others will say, get into a face to face meeting. It will really help... You need to start working on your self and well you know you cant fix his problem, only yours... I am new here and well I dont have the best words to give you but know that I care and well know what you are going through, I think we all do.. Hugs, Lori
How do you know if your loved one is really an alcoholic or just a problem drinker? There is a big part of me that says he is an alcoholic, but another part of me isn't sure. He doesn't drink at work (firefighter) and is at work (24 hour shifts) A LOT - he works overtime whenever he can and is sometimes gone 5-7 days at a time. I'm not 100% sure he doesn't drink there, but he says no and I tend to believe him as he is a different person there and when I talk to him on the phone he seems like the old him. Could he be using alcohol to numb a depression? Is there some other mental issues going on. How can he control it when he wants to without going into a withdrawl? I know some of you may say it doesn't matter, that he does have some sort of drinking problem, but I guess I'm hoping it might be something else that may be helped with medication. Is this wishful thinking?
Please find an Al-Anon meeting quick u need support , this is a disease and at the moment it is running his life ,the only relationship your seeing right now is his one with the bottle , she is formidable and only the disease wins , he is hiding his booze not only from you but from himself disease tells him it's not so bad that your overreacting bla bla bla . I am sure u have been told that many times. Love the man hate the disease worked for me , learn what u can about his stuggle by attending al anon , learn how to detach from him and his antics u don't have to go down with him . U will learn how to do this is Al-Anon rooms from people who have been where your at . Nothing changes til someone changes. Lectures don't work , shamming them dosent work , threats and ultimatums don't work and they only make u feel bad , I always said things I really didn't mean and once out they can't be taken back. Here is the toll free international number for info on meetings in your area. 1-888-4alanon lines are open from 8 am to pm eastern time . mon thru friday . good luck Louise
Pretty tough stuff. When I lived with an alcoholic celebrations was one of those things that first went by the wayside. Of course you can celebrate for you. Being married for that long is indeed an accomplishment.
I hope you will join this group. I have found it incredibly helpful and useful to me.
I can totally relate. My AH is a binge drinker also. He comes from an alcoholic family (his mom and his dad) and he and I have gone back and forth for years as to whether he is or isn't. Over a year ago he hit his bottom and realized it for himself. The one thing I learned is that he has to get it for himself, he has to recognize and accept that he needs help. I used to try to make him want to go to meetings or admit that he had a problem, and all it really did was make him feel worse about himself which made the drinking more frequent. Al-anon helped me to realize that this is a disease, it makes him lie, and it has nothing to do with you. I have post-its all over the house that say " I did not cause, I cannot cure it, I cannot control it". Trust me, its been really hard to accept that I really need to give him to god and let him deal with him. I need to focus on me. He was sober for almost a year and recently relapsed, and with that came back all of the lies and deception. I have to make myself everyday NOT focus on the "what if" and if he will go to a meeting, if he still thinks he has a problem or not. Instead i take with me the principles offered by al-anon. And I got great solace and hope in the 5gs.
Get off his back Get out of his way Give him to God Get into myself Get to a meeting
I can honestly say that since I have started coming to al-anon, which hasn't been very long at all, and i have repeated this to myself, my days have been better. i am happier and can do what makes me happy, instead of worrying if today will be the day he binges. And it makes him happier too because he can focus on him. and the not drinking. rather than always talking about his drinking, etc- which i always bring up. Sorry for the rambling- all i can say is keep coming back to al-anon. whether or not he acknowledges that he has a problem, your life is being affected by his alcohol.
I was planning on attending one coming up this Sunday...just wanted to know, since he doesn't fit the profile at all.
Hi Sue,
I grew up with the profile of an alcoholic being the dirty guy living by the river drinking out of the paper bag, and the homeless woman pushing the shopping cart full of "treasures". Totally new concept to think of my doctor, banker, child's teacher, law enforcement officer, store clerk, or any other functioning human being as having the same disease.
My AH is a professional, and while I thought he should cut back his drinking, and would call him an "alcoholic" tongue-in-cheek, I didn't truly understand what was going on until about 48 hrs before he went to rehab. He didn't drink during the day, and only started to drink heavily every night at the end, but it was a problem many years before. Progressive disease.... He couldn't get up in the mornings, was severely depressed, had continual gastro problems, respirtory problems, aches and pains, was isolating and mean, and his "mystery illness" was just baffling to me. Denial, it is so powerful!
I was willing to go the distance with my AH in terms of our marriage and his aism, but he wanted no part. He has been clean of substances for almost a year, but spiritually he is still a very sick man. I know couples who have lived through this and have a different, better marriage as a result, but it is not immediate. Once they do become sober, it is a whole new journey, and the waiting period until sanity hits, can be difficult, but couples can and do get through it.
Can't comment on the dinner, but can say that al-anon can save you. You belong there, and your kids do too, because YOU have the problem with alcohol.
Keep coming back.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Yes, I grew up with that profile too! Actually, my husband only has a few drinks on the days that he does drink, which is not every day. He never gets out of control, in fact most people (including me) don't even recognize that he has had anything to drink. I suppose this is the early stages of the disease? I know, I know, it is STILL a problem since has become a problem for me and my children!
The dinner wasn't an issue (yet)...he didn't ask. Things certainly have gone downhill...Happy Anniversary! At this point I don't know if I have the patience to wait for him to get better...he hasn't even begun to recognize the severity of his problem. I know I am supposed to "detach," but that feels to me the point when you no longer care, and how can you have a marriage like that?
My youngest daughter just got married this past July so there are no kids at home any longer. It is now just the two of us. Like I said, he is gone a lot because of work so I have the house to myself. But, when he is home it is sooooo strained and uncomfortable to be around. I don't want to give up, but I don't know if I can hang in there for us.
I am going to try and make the meeting tomorrow morning, however it is held outside and it is supposed to rain. If I can't make that one, I will try another. I really appreciate this forum because the meetings don't seem to me to be too much "one on one" from what I've heard and experienced with the online version. I also purchased the book everyone was talking about, "Getting Them Sober" yesterday. I'm going to start reading it today.
Thanks again for your thoughts and concerns...as well as the rest of you who have taken the time. Sue
