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Here I am again, thinking about my sober A husband. About a month ago he started doubting his program, hating the world, wanting to run away again. For about a week I lived with this knot in my stomach, again. I was not sleeping, again. I was watching every little thing he did, again. We got past it. He called his sponsor, started going to meetings again and seemed to be doing better. Over the past few days he has become miserable again. He even says that he is miserable and he does not know why. He hasn't been talking to people and it seems like he is getting distant again. He says he is still going to his meetings and I have to believe him. I refuse to let myself get so worked up that I start driving by to see if his car is there. It has crossed my mind but so far so good. He hates his job and thinks that most people can not be depended on. He is almost isolating again and I keep thinking that if he just gets more into his program things will change. Now, I know that I can not control him. I know that I have to give in to my HP. I know that all I can do is do what is best for me. I know all the sayings. I just can't seem to put them to use. I really envy all of you who can really detach. I wish that I could. The stress in our lives has been crazy. We bought a house a few months ago. Like I said, he hates his job. Plus we took in another homeless dog who likes to potty in the house and is not getting along with the cats. Things have been crazy. I want to be able to ignore all of his behavior. I want to live my life for me but I am having a terrible time right now. Thanks for listening.
(mindy) Take a deep breath. Say the serenity prayer. You said you know you need to turn it over to your HP. Then that is exactly what I would do. You have no control over the things you mentioned in your post, your HP does. Worry is not going to change anything, it will only destroy your serenity. You have your HP, and you have this program. Now is the time to use them both. Put it in your HP's hands and do not take it back from him, then dive head first into the Al-Anon program. Practice, practice, practice. It works.
I've been down the homeless dog trip. My beagle was a real handful for a long long time. Keep the pressure off yourself. The beagle did a lot of going in the house stuff. I think it was her testing. do you love me, do you love me enough for this? Who knows. The thing is now she is very well behaved.
Be nice to yourself. don't count up the stresses. Keep it simple.
The things your alcoholic is complaining about are usually not outside of him but inside. He is disatisfied with himself and that is the core...."happiness is and inside job" (a lesson for me). He might be planning a relapse as the compulsion starts to pull at him and/or he might be in withdrawals fighting the compulsion to go back out. What do you do?
Do all the things that you are thinking he sould do. If you believe they will work for him...they will work for you. You gotta do your program. He don't gotta do yours.
Yes, you know the rhetoric, the sayings, the slogans, what you "should" do, etc..... yet your focus is still 99-3/4% on him, and what he is/isn't doing.....
I always liked the "weather analogy", for getting me back to Step 1..... Imagine for a minute that you have equally and identical amounts of control over your A, as you do over the weather (guess what - it's true!). Sooooo..... you cannot change the weather, and you can't "will it" or "worry it" or "demand it" to be sunny out tomorrow...... What you can do, is wear a sweater, or a rain jacket, or whatever is required.....
One of my very favourite Al-Anon sayings is: "he is either gonna drink, or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?"
Take care of you, and bring the focus back onto the one person that you CAN control......
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Your post is all too familiar (except for the homeless dog). My ex A b/f used to go into these depressive states where he didnt want to do anything except lay on the couch. He hated his job (does anyone really LOVE their job--work is work), he never wanted to go out anyplace, was always feeling sorry for himself and repeatedly said, "why are you with me, I'm crazy". I always just blew it off, dragged his toosh off the couch and went out somewhere with him. Whether it was to a movie, a mall, out to eat, or for a walk in the mountains. Sometimes he'd fall asleep in the car (he had no license), other times he'd just start crying. I felt sorry for him, but didnt let it show. I told him to snap out of it. I was firm, but not mean. (now that I know more, I think either he was coming down off a high, going through withdrawals, or was bi-polar) I strongly encouraged him to go to a doctor because I felt this wasnt normal. He did go, and ended up being bi-polar. The medication worked when he took it.
Mine too claimed he was going to meetings. Whether or not he was, well only he knows the truth.
I agree, take a deep breath. Dont make yourself crazy over it. He has to do this at his own pace and from experience, they do go through a lot of emotions and strange behavior. Which, at times is unbearable. From what I've learned over the years, normally they stop working their program, relapse, live a couple of months drinking and/or drugging, and then realize that they've screwed up, have a problem, and need to start going to meetings again. Its one big circle, at least thats been my experience.
This disease (and the affects on loved ones and friends) is life long unfortunately.
Concentrate on YOU and let him sort things out. If he really wants it, he'll accomplish sobriety.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
I used to feel if I could just will someone to get better they might just do it. Now I work on being so much less dependent on what others and doing and focusing on myself. I believe Kitty talks about this a great deal. We have to take all our energy and focus off them and put it back on ourselves. One reason that I had so much focus on the A was that he would every now and then give me a few crumbs of what I craved which was attention. Eventually after years of being here (I'm in 3 plus years now) I started giving the attention, nuturing, love, understanding and focus to myself. It needs to be what are you doing, not what he is doing. We can't make them go to program, we can't make them like it. We can't fix their lives in order that they give to us.
I do know for many of us there is a huge huge hole in the idea of having a relationship that doesn't work. Believe me I did not want to be alone or like the idea of being alone long term. At the same time the way I go about making relationship and getting into relationship is fundamentally flawed. Take my room mate who I have been having a recent run in with. A year ago I would have told you that he was a great guy who was pleasant, sociable and kind. I would not "see" him at all. There were plenty of opportunities for me to see this man and change my boundaries, I went on and on and on not seeing him because I really do not want to have those boundaries in place, they take effort. The same thing happened for me with the A. For a long long time I did not want to make the effort to make it super clear to the ex A I had nothing to say to him. When I made that message crystal clear he stopped calling for good. If he were to call again I'd put the same message up, no speaking to him period for any reason whatsoever.
I would encourage you to tally immerse yourself in this program. Get super super super super busy so you do not have time to know what the A is doing. That is one of the best antidotes you can use to obsessing.
I can so totally identify with your post about doubting and obsessing about your A. It is not my spouse with whom I have the problem...it is my only child..my son. He and I tangle and wrangle and argue and apologize. Very little about his life doesn't set me off. He is currently attending (or is supposed to be) AA. The problem is I haven't heard a word about his sponsor; at first, he talked about him, quoted him, etc. He has relapsed twice with two binge days. He will SAY he has gone to a meeting or is GOING to a meeting, but I don't really know for sure. I never never ask a thing.
My son is terribly terribly depressed. It shows in his whole posture and his thought process. He lost his job two months ago due to economy. He is two years divorced and has to accept very harsh terms to see his child. Unfortunately I am totally involved with all that as well.
So listen and heed what everyone who posted told you. You MUST get yourself front and center and stop worrying about what your husband is going to do. Knowing what I know, he is going to do whatever he wants at any given moment. If he is also depressed, he probably drinks to medicate. It is a terrible cycle for those of us who love them. I hope that you can start to concentrate on yourself. When I am able to do this and let HP take care of my son's world, I am so much better off. But I admit the whole thing is very very difficult.
