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I am such a stupid idiot!!!! My sister just pointed out something to me that I know see clearly and I fell for it again. I told my sister that I texted my ex telling him that I thought he did a good thing by calling someone in his AA group. This was after the fact I told him he doesn't have to pay me back because it is too hard for me. So now I feel like I just undid all the good work I have done. Like now he is sitting there going "see...gotta her again" Now I don't have to pay the money back and she is telling me I'm doing good. My sister says he is probably loving it. That this is what everyone does for him. He does all this bad stuff to people with no responsibility and then wham! He does one good thing and everyone jumps to point it out - oh you did so good! Like a little puppy dog. I am so mad at myself for falling for it again I could seriously throw something...hit something. I was so strong with him. Changed my number...which now he has because of the text. How stupid is that!!! I have just undid all that I've done. I hate this!!!!!!
Ms.Louise! Be kind to yourself!!!! You don't have any idea what is going on in his head and on top of that it is NONE of your business anyway!!!
What was YOUR motive for sending him that text? Who cares what his reaction to it was.....that isn't why you sent it was it?
It is NOT up to you to punish, change, or get revenge on him. If you just keep the focus on yourself then you don't have to be so mad. You can say to your sister that you don't really care how your text made him feel. You sent it because YOU wanted to, because YOU felt like it, because YOU are a geuinely nice person who cares about someone who you had a relationship with. That's all (right?) And if that is true then you have no reason to be upset with yourself and HIS imagined reaction to your text.
You can go back to no contact now. One text doesn't mean you have to go back and marry the guy. It doesn't even mean you have to begin obsessing about him. All it means is you sent a text. That's all. Done. Don't let anyone prescibe feelings, motives and actions to you or him.
Louise.... I have no idea if your sister is a professional in addictions counselling, or has learned tons about addictions in her own experiences.... What I DO know is that it is fruitless to want/expect/seek "approval" from everyone around us, for everything we do.... (The phrase "what you think of me is none of my business" comes to mind).
One of the things we learn, in our recovery, is to keep moving forward..... You did what you did - right OR wrong, but you're learning, moving ahead, and growing all the time. Beating yourself up, and calling yourself stupid (or allowing others to do the same) inhibits your progress.
If possible, try not to use loved ones, family members - those who really don't know much about addictions - to be your surrogate "sponsors" in your recovery..... That is what we are here for, or your Al-Anon group, or your sponsor...
Take care, and you're not stupid at all....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Remember that you cannot fix him. You did what you did to take care of yourself. Nothing else matters. Your sister probably doesn't know that we cannot fix people, neither does my family. I choose to be kind to my ex because carrying around the anger and bitterness... hurts ME. If he walks around thinking he got away with something, so be it. That is all up a power greater than myself. I have handed him over.
I like to draw an imaginary circle around my feet and focus on staying inside. Anything outside that circle is none of my business. Relief!
Easy does it ((((mslouise))))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
To me, there's no reason these can't be two completely separate events:
1. you decided, for your own reasons, to your own satisfaction, that he didn't have to pay you back, and you told him that.
2. he did something that you felt deserved an attaboy, and so you complimented him.
Nothing wrong with this picture, imho.
Now, if you feel that he manipulated you into forgiving a debt you weren't really ready to forgive, then you can look at your part in that - is it time to practice saying "I'll get back to you on that", or "I need to think about this some more"?. You are learning a new way of relating to your world. That doesn't mean that everything you do in the "old" way is "wrong". You're getting some good awareness here - being honest with yourself - and that's exactly the way to work your program right now.
Gosh you really beat yourself up with a stick. No one gets out of a relationship day one and knows what to do. Stop beating yourself to a pulp all the time. Be kind, be nice. Get busy with other things. I know that is easier said than done. Detaching is hard hard work but then it gets easier.
I have calmed down a bit. I did decide for ME for my own benefit that I did not want him to pay me back, too hard for me to keep ties there. I also realized that I did tell him it was good that he talked to someone, just for that reason - I thought this was good. I realize I did not do this as a way to "get him back" or too "fix him". I know that it is his path and it is totally up to him.
I guess I got upset with myself becuase the times he has left before I was different, sick - come back please type mode. Now I know I am different, stronger - I wanted him to see this, wanted him to see I want and deserve respect and by me texting him back I feel like I took that away - like I would show a weakness to him (like he would think - she's still there and waiting). I know the things I do now aren't to "get him back" becuase I do not trust him at this point - especially if he is still hanging with his best friend. And I know and hope I can come to the point where I don't care what his friends/family and himself think of me, but I haven't gotten there yet. Right now I just want him to see what he is missing - the strong, not sitting around for you anymore me. Progress...not perfection.
mslouise...I do think you are in the classroom right now with some very good and experienced students with their very supportive feedback from those experiences. I am grateful to have checked in on your post. It all is helpful and I would highly suggest you read it over and over and over and practice it, practice it, practice it. As was said this is where the progress is and perfection is a non expectation.
Sorry for the breakdown yesterday. Just lost it I guess. Stress, doubts, whatever. Anyways, thanks to all as usual. Moving on with a positive weekend with my son!!! Thank you!
