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Thank you for your response to my last post. I was more than please to see that I was viewed as working the program. Surprised, actually. Yay, for me. Gonna work on getting some ambien.
It continues... The fear that I have been harboring, second only to the bookkeeper being fired, is my AH's g/f becoming an employee again. Yep, you got it. I heard she walked off her job last week; the day after my AH wrote the letter letting the bookkeeper go. I am 50% partner in the business and I completely detached. In doing so, it looks like this is the reward I will reap. I don't think I can do anything, but my AH doesn't know that. I heard the slogan, "I have the right to respond, not react".
She worked for us before, thus the affair. Until the affair started, my AH hated her. She caused chaos. There were cat fights, and once the affair started, she wouldn't do her job, just followed my AH around like a puppy. Finally fired when every employee was going to walk. She is an alcoholic. She is the only fired employee that was not awarded unemployment in our very pro-employee state. The reason? She was "annoying to her co-workers". Remember, this is the woman that was "visiting" my AH in rehab, and he got kicked out 10 days into a 28 day program. How sane can she be? This is not a scorned wife vendetta by any stretch of the imagination. I don't know for certain she is will be hired, but I do.
I know, I know, sounds like the perfect storm and I should just let it happen, but I have so much at stake, primarily my house. Oh, and my credit and financial health in that it doesn't look like I will be let off the loans. I am determined to get our bookkeeper back so that I may walk away rather than have it burn. She will not come back if g/f is there. I know that was part of my AH's motivation in firing her. I have a head start since this is a payroll week. His employee is running around trying to set up a payroll service. There are no signed checks and they certainly won't be getting my signature.
So, in my feeble attempt to take care of myself, I think I may send this text message. I tried to use al-anon principles and just say what I mean. What do you think? I question the second line, but didn't know how else to word it.
Heard you fired bookkeeper (during a payroll week) and g/f walked off her job. Hope you're not planning on hiring her. Can't happen now. Can if I am officially off all the loans. We'll talke with the attorneys on Tues. Please be there.
How is that? Any suggestions?
Gotta get to work. Thank you for being here and loving me.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
That sounds like a brillant, serious, responsible text....to me. Can you just imagine what I would be texting? LOL!
You have to get OFF those loans ASAP!!! There has to be a way. Or just get resigned to the idea that your going down with the ship. I mean, sure, neither of us knows what the future holds....maybe y'all will get a slice of the 750billion dollar bail out....? Who knows! But for your sanity, your dignity, your recovery...get off those loans. Can't he refi the loans into just his name? Or is that not an option in this climate?
My ex was such a screw up that the morgage company refused to let him refi into just his name and so all I could do was wait for the forclosure to happen. I had NO recourse.
I have no useful advice for you....or even any useful ESH. I still think you are doing an incredible job of being a responsible grown up. You are saying what you mean and not saying it mean and that is really incredible. I swear, if I handled things with my ex as nicely as you do with yours.....I would have a cellar FULL of stuffed animals with their heads torn off. I mean, my rage would have to come out somewhere and stuffed animals would be the casuality in my world.
Good luck, remember none of this is the end of the world....
lol I think it's a brilliant text too... (but I'm totally inexperienced in these things) maybe you could talk to your lawyer about this too?
I'd probably insert an exclamation mark '!' after 'during payroll week' lol!! - at least!! :)
I too think you're handling this 'super-nice'!! lol
"We'll talke with the attorneys on Tues." - sounds terrific!! :) small typo: "We'll talk..." is better, in case either of them is a bit anal about grammar or spelling (like I am)
Brilliant. I prefer no exclamation marks, it shows no emotion, just matter of fact, this is the way it will be.
There is nothing feeble about you. You may be feeling some fear since you've never had to walk this walk before, but you are very, very brave. You've got some crazy sh-- going on, you're bringing it here where it is safe to vomit up all the poison inside you and then, LOOK at how gracefully you are going to respond to him!!
Courage is not the absence of fear. It's taking the action in spite of it. And, you're doing all the right things to take care of yourself. Next step, leaving the outcome to God.
In reference to your earlier post about not feeling connected to HP, I was once told, that HP is not a 'feeling,' which would vary with our passing moods and circumstances. It is so obvious to me, your HP is with you, walking you through this storm, in tender loving friendship.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I don't think I'd even bother with the text. I know this is not what you want to hear but even if that world comes crashing down and worst case scenario you have to move into a more affordable place and your credit goes up in a blaze of glory .... it's only 7 years! And you can't control this, you can only watch the ship sink. It's like the titanic... the hole is there, no amount of patching is going to fix it. Try to keep as much cash as possible and one good credit card. You can't undo putting your name on loans with him and I don't think divorce is going to let you off the hook for that no matter what. So to me it seems his eventual downfall is inevitable and perhaps your time would be better spent trying to find him a new partner who would buy out your share. He's a Dr. right? Maybe there's another one in town who wants to become partner in the practice? Can you do that? Be bought out by a new partner? That would be optimal, you get a lump sum cash payment and you're ties to him (in business anyway) are cut for good.
There are a couple of issues for me. One is do you have a plan be in place? I never had much time to put a plan be together because of course the A always had a bunch of chaos going on. I did eventually put one together and all my control issues of what is he going to do next went by the way. I can't say it was easy to focus on a plan be.
Do you have one? Have you thought of having one.
I had a home, vehciles, stuff, lots of connections with the A. I had everything to gain by staying and very little to gain by leaving. I did leave. I lost it all, the cars, the things, the home the everything but I got back my sanity. I no longer have to second guess what he is doing, when the next disaster is coming.
I no longer had to obsess. He brought plenty of people around for me to obsess about. I agree there are tons of things wrong with people who hang out with A's I used to be one of them. There was a lot wrong with me. I was certainly pretty pathological too.
I could spend hours, indeed spent years coming up with the right response. I pulled the iron out of the fire so many times. The issue is it was progressive. Over time the A did destroy everything but he did not destroy me.
Have you looked at your options. I am sure you like none of them. I liked none of them either. I was so incredibly dependent on him. Now I am not. In fact he can no more reel me in with a phone call now than a collection call. I had no idea, none at all what relating to him was costing me emotionally. For me it was the absolute norm. That is the insidious thing about alcoholism it is right there and suddenly you're wrapped up in it and there seems to be no way out. There is however a way and that means al anon and lots and lots of detachment and more.
Thanks for the replies. Turned out my attorney had me change the text so as to not express anything that is telling him what to do, and to make it so any decisions he may come to are on his own. So I share with you...
Very shocked to hear you fired bookkeeper (in a letter during payroll week). Also, undertand g/f walked off her job the next day. I hope you're not considering hiring her given the circumstances surrounding her last employment. We'll talk with the attorneys on Tues.
Of course, I do not expect a reply, nor for him to do anything different. But, if I said I didn't have private wishes, I'd be lying. And some of them aren't very nice. Mainly, I just had to let him know that I know what he did. I think I may finally accepted that he does not care how his actions affect other people.
As for having a Plan B, or as Maresie says, a Plan BE (I love that), I do, sort of. I do need to change bank acct info. He hasn't touched our joint acct, but I need to get on with separating it all. I am fortunate in that I have good employment and options, though admittedly I don't want them. I shouldn't have a too much of a problem supporting me and my kids, just have to downsize and will probably have to lose it all to do so.
I feel hesitant in saying aloud what I want, in that it always seems to be a sure- fire plan for sabotage. I know, I know, expectations... don't have 'em. Why is it the bad thoughts seem to come true? Best case scenario is we sell it all and get everything paid off and walk with nothing. Given the current market, I am probably kidding myself and bankruptcy is more likely. Makes me sick. Our lifetime venture started out so very honest, and now just seems like a hideous dysfunctional sham. I was always financially sensible, or so I thought.
So, I will take it a day at a time. Gotta get up and face the day tomorrow. What choice do I have? Bought a sleep aid at the store today. Missed a meeting for a committee I am on tonight because I am just too tired, and I don't feel guilty.
My mantra the past couple was passed on to me by Peggy7 - "God didn't bring me this far to drop me on my head". Yeah. I find it rather unbelievable that deep down I actually believe it. So, I will keep coming back and keep holding out for the miracle. I gotta say, however, I'm getting tired and am ready to move on.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 23:45, 2008-10-02
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
