The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
If you raed my last post, you know that I replied to my "BF" in what I thought was a cold reaction to his apology for being drunk on Sunday night after being sober for three weeks.
Well, it's true what many say--the A will always return! He called today to see if he could pick some stuff up at the house. I said yes bc I knew I would doubt myself if I said no. So he got here and I wanted to ask him about Sunday, but he wouldn't talk about it at all. Why is that? Why won't he talk about it and do I have the right to push for answers? Technically, we are apart now, but still--when he hurts me bc of his drinking, do I deserve to know the story behind the drunkiness?
The good news is that he is moving into his own apartment and away from his cronies and cousins--all who are drunks. He tends to think that being out of this county and moving to another is going to help. I hope he is right.
I pretty much cried the whole time he was here. It's just so emotional--all of this. It's terrible to feel this kind of hurt when I am still so much in love with him.
I asked him what I'm supposed to do while he's working on himself. He keeps telling me that he wants me to go to work and be the best I can be and to keep working on my school work and be the best student I can be (I'm working on my doctorate). He wants me to be happy and live a productive life. He says that 's why he is not living here with me--all he can do is bring me down with him and he won't do that to me. All these things do not make me feel any better!!! They just hurt more.
Then, before he left, he asked if we could have dinner next week. I don't know if I should be having dinner with him. Is it okay to see him or is it better to let him be completely without me? I know we aren't supposed to give advice here, but I need someone to tell me what the right thing to do is. I need some direction bc I want to make the right choices. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to "figure out" and unfortunately, I can't figure anything out when he's the one in control over all it.
I'm going to a F2F meeting in a bit and I am looking forward to it. It helped me last night, so I am hopeful it will help tonight, too.
Thanks in advance for your thoughts, stories, words of wisdom.....
Sometimes the best thing to do is let some time pass before jumping into the fire again. I would never give advice, as that is not what Al-Anon is about, but if it were me, I would let it rest for a little while.
Hi there well first off hugs again to you.. I know how emotional this can be for you. I am going through my own emotional struggle here with my hubby.. he binged last weekend and will not talk to me either about what happened. I feel i deserve an explanation but know that through experience I will not get it, that is just him being an addict. I have to deal with that, I guess. Its still not fair but thats life.. Second off I am not advicing you what to do, but if it were me I wouldnt be so fast to go to dinner with him. Like the previous post said, give it some time.. It sounds like your bf wants you to go on with your life and do good and at least he sees he is bringing you down.. this is your time to work on yourself. Maybe you should listen to him... go on finish school and do what you got to do.. it will be hard but maybe that is what is needed for him to get better to... I dont know to be honest... hugs
My gut tells me that dinner is not a good idea. I try to think about what's good for me and how much I can handle. I suppose if I decide to go to dinner, I should have a plan of action of some sort. Or, like the the other post said, to let some time pass. This is so frustrating!!! I just wish I could see into the future and KNOW what is right and what is wrong. What is going to make him progress "faster" and what is going to muck it up...
I guess what I do want to know is that at this point, is it healthy for him--is it within his rights--to not talk about his relapses? Is it out of my rights to ask? Is this something that Al-anon or AA teaches?
Have you been able to get the book yet? Look on top of the message list. Tom bless his pea picken heart,is giving that wonderful book out u need.
In time what we learn is it is an illness the A's have. They can owe us nothing.We cannot expect "anything." I think of it as brain damage. Your A sober, means nothing.
They are still an addict. An addict in AA will learn how to develop a program just for them to follow. They learn and put into practice a life of recovery.Always using their program.
Relapse is only one use of a drug away. My A was a wonderful man.He had a great program. He had to have brain surgery. His first med to put him under,killed the man I loved. He awoke a using addict again with brain damage.He will never be him again.
Some start missing meetings,stop reading lit..No longer stay away from using friends,lose their program,then lose their sobriety.
We learn to love our selves enough to not allow the disease to destroy us.
I can tell you the A does not want to lose us. Just in case they may string us along,if they need a home for awhile.Or need money,things they borrow,but sell for drugs.
We are dealing with the most manipulative,destructive,insidious, monster of a disease that wants to take everyone down with it.
To go to dinner or not is no matter.What do you want to do for you? What do you get outof it? What does he really want? believe me he will ask you for something.
The more you educate yourself,the healthier you will become.The disease makes us addicted too.
keep coming back.We already love you with alanon caring. love,hugs,debilyn
I too am in a similiar situation and have to make the choice of having some more time with my A or keep away. It is so hard when you love them so much, I'm torn between doing the right thing for me or having that *one more time together* We trick our thinking so much with poor reasoning, I can just about talk myself into anything/justify me actions so I get what I want, this is not good behaviour.
Go to meetings, meditate, pray. remember One day at a time
I think Debllyn sums the situation up perfectly
''I can tell you the A does not want to lose us. Just in case they may string us along,if they need a home for awhile.Or need money,things they borrow,but sell for drugs.
We are dealing with the most manipulative,destructive,insidious, monster of a disease that wants to take everyone down with it.''
Thank you again for all of the thoughts. They truly do help. I have been repeating in my head "One day at a time" and "Sometimes the best decision is no decision at all." It helps. I don't have to worry about anything by my day right now...next week will come and go, and I will face it when it gets here. :)
