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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As you all know I live in a place that is incredibly dysfunctional. The other night I came home to find some woman rifling through the back yard (where I have my plants and other stuff). Her son had lived in the house and she was looking for something there god knows what he lived upstairs. I was absolutely livid that anyone in the house would tell some stranger they could come in the back yard and rifle through stuff. I pitched a fit needless to say. This is not the first time this has happened. One roommate "gave away" a bookcase I had in the garden to someone else because he felt like it. I had to go and physically take it back. Guess he learned nothing but that would be typical.
Now my housemates have targeted me as the "problem". So any cup that is in the sink they come and knock on the door doesn't matter what time it is. Last night one of my dogs went out and the dog was shut on my room and she could not get back in. I don't doubt she whined. I also don't doubt that if the roomate shut his window he would not have heard her at all but hey since he is in misery and in withdrawal he wants to make a huge drama out of every little thing.
So this roommate who has just come off marjuana after being on it lifelong and is anxious as hell comes and bangs on my door at 2:00 AM after I am explicitly said that I did not want to hear another knock on my door. I was not polite needless to say but I also was totally unaware the dog was outside. Please note that this is the first time this has happened with this dog and she is certainly far from neglected. She has two walkies a day and is now on the Debilyn specified fish oil diet!
Now I am thinking about it I should have had the red flag way way way up there about this roomate. When I was previously friendly with another roommate any time I was in her room he'd be banging on the door and in and out constantly. Obviously he does not handle anxiety very well. He has much to be anxious about he has been unemployed for more than a year, has nothing, no motivation at all and is barely able to get out of bed. Nevertheless I am certainly not hindering his job search in any way and have no comment or no suggestion for him at all (I gave that up long long ago). I am sure he is absoltuely furious that I am absolutely not invested in what he is doing. He mentioned something to me a week or two ago and I said nothing, nada, nothing. I listened and made no comment whatsoever (probably a first for me). . He eventually shut his window because I told him to go away and leave me alone! I note he did not run out and go stark staring mad when a truck pulled up in the back of the house and did a lot of beeping and more at 3:00 a.m. He doesn't go over to the neighbors house and knock on their door either and they play rap at loud volume all weekend (you can't hear it if you have our window closed). Now obviously he has me with a big big arrow on my head and feels like he can take all his anxiety out on me.
I really don't think I "saw" this man before. He puts on a great show at being personable but underneath it is an addicted monster who is unemployable and angry as hell that is in the situation he is in (also absolutely nothing to do with me). I once worked (very very briefly) at a place he worked at. He got himself fired a year ago by taking time off in their very busy holiday season. I have said nothing about is firing, very little about working there (it isn't an easy place to work but where is? ). He spends all day either sleeping, he used to sleep all day and be up all night, sitting on the porch and doing nothing or eating. That's about it. Lately he has got very possessive and competitive around the ktichen. If I am in there much like he did with the roommate ehw wants to be in there taking up more room. He cooks food for other people in the house and then wants incredible gratitude. I just ate my last bite of anything he will eat. I will decline and deline and decline if he offers me anything else.
I felt some relief when I stopped speaking to the other roomate because his antics of banging on the door when I was with her really bothered me. His anxiety was all over the place and he was tremendously competitive about her attention. Now she has closed herself off to him. She hs a firm do not disturb on her door day and night. I note she has stopped accepting food from him too. So now he has no where to put all his anxiety and wants to do anything, anything anything but look for work. The good news is in a few weeks he will be off to his mother's again (he is cemented to his mother by a bolt of superglue) much like my ex was. He goes there every single holiday for weeks at a time and does not even come to pick up his mail lest he miss one second of time away. She lives a few short miles down the street.
I have long long long ago given up saying more than hello to him. I am also at a point where when he goes to pet my dogs I move them aside. Quite frankly I am sick of his stab in the back mentality (which is much like the A did). One minute he is complaining about the dogs the next he is insisting they stay behind a shut door. The door is shut now and I keep it shut. They cannot go in the kitchen. That means a tremendous hardshp for me as I have to carry keys all the time. So when he comes out and tries to engage with me like the other day when I washed both the dogs I am understandably "cool". To an Alcoholic being "cool" is like waving a red flag in their face after all - all they can cope is their desperate never ending request/demand that they be applauded, coddled and babysat day and night.
I don't have any doubt he wants an incredible distraction from his non job search. I'm not willing to give it to him. I just don't know how because of course I can get pulled in. Let's please remember I am tired, fed up and sick of being poor too. I am also alone, entirely alone.
I have now made a sign for my door saying Do not disturb and the door will not be answered. I intend to not speak to him anymore and make no more remarks about him knocking on my door. I wrote the landlord a note recently because this same man put the mop in a place where no one can reach it - behind two enormous machines. Now there is no mop to wash the kitchen floor. I don't doubt that was because he wanted the nobel prize for having once washed the kitchen floor once in a year. I merely asked the landlord to replace it to retrieve it. I did not mention names. I am certainly not going out to buy a mop for the kitchen.
I can remove myself almost entirely to the back of the house and wear my headphones (they don't work but they don't know that) whenever I am outside.
I really feel like I have missed "seeing" the toxicity of this addict. Like my former A he puts on a great great show but underneath that is an addict who is totally self immolating. I don't doubt he wants his "pot". I also don' doubt he will continue to act out on me if I allow it. Yet how do I hold the line without engaging in drama. I withdrew once before with the former roommate (she soon got absolutely sick of him).
I have written the landlord who traditionally does nothing and enforces nothing about the mop behind the "machines". I've also stopped cleaning the bathrom because quite frankly I am working all day and sick of coming home and the place is filthy to a bunch of people who are self involved self pitying addicts who sit on the porch and do nothing all day long. One of them just had an operation on her neck and the kind of drama and self pity she is in make me absolutely sick to my stomach. I know there is a huge reaction in there and I also don't know how to get back to detachment. I really feel like she is the epitome of the way the A was "me me me and more me" thats about it.
So I know I am absolutely in reaction mode. I also know I am sick to death of these people and their self absorbed total self pity and there is something there about my family of origin stuff. I left my family more than 20 years ago now and they can still be in my face at any time.
I have moments of detachment but most of the time I just feel like I've been conned again. Look good, act nice and dump their crap all over everyone if they get a chance.
You have been working so hard on yourself. I know you have to live w/ these room mates and our behavior can quickly go south in dealing w/ A's. Nothing you can do will help them anyway, so why not get back to focusing in yourself. I alwasy say, if I don't focus on me, and A will step right in & start trying to run my life into the ground. Now that you have vented on this hopefully you can now release it and give it to hp where it belongs. Your job (like mine) is to focus on self, MYOB. The more I can do that, the easier it is to detach. For me they seem to go together. As I do one, the other grows.
I also had to work on my own inner boundaries. Just b/c someone around me is anxious or irritable or sad, guilty, angry, what ever ~ it does not have to effect me & I don't have to allow it. Sure I'm sensitive & empathetic. In the past, I'd pick up another's feelings automatically. Now I can realize, 'that's how their feeling' and leave it with them. I can choose to focus on gratitude and myself and that usually will enable me to experience detachment. I no longer confuse my feelings with those of others and realize their feelings or mental state is none of my business.
This may sound simple or redundant but I have found this works for me. If I need to do a ritual to give it to god, I can pray about it and say 'I willingly & freely give these feelings to you, take them now' and let my attachment to those thoughts/feelings go completely. If more comes up & my mind obsesses, I do it again. I've heard of other good techniques, like writing things down and putting in a god box or writing a letter and burning it to release it.
The way I detached from my mother, was in meditation and to literally see cords that I had plugged into her, unhooking them, turning them around and putting the plugs/cords into myself. So I am getting my own energy, it no longer flies out & away to others.
I know it's hard to live w/ room mates and you do have to deal with them at times but you don't have to give your energy away. You know that A's are psychic vampires that feed off of your energy. I spent my entire life living for others and not having a life. They don't appreciate it, they just try to take more.
You deserve your own good energy & time, keep it for yourself and live your best life, you deserve it, you're worth it! kisses to doggie.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
My poor baby Lucky who was locked out for half an hour or so last night. Its not as though she wasn't home she simply couldn't get in the door! She is such a sweetheart. I have been walking her a lot lately and she just eats it up! I have also put her on the fish oil and it definitely seems to help her skin. I know that the psychic vampires just sap on me and affect my babies. I am hoping to go home earlier today and just rest and rest and rest somemore. Tomorrow is such a long long hard day for me.
Yes, you have done great, and I know what you mean about people changing the goal post, I have had that all week with a person in my life, ok when its ok with her but if not better get on to it, very stressful, keep the focus on you,
You know something I have realised about this man is that he acts out on his depression much like the A did. He does not want to take responsibility for himself so he acts out then he wallows in his self pity.
I allowed the A to do that all the time I was with him. I had empathy for him and none for me.
For the first time this week when this woman came over and was instructed to go in the back yard and search through my stuff to look for her son's whatever...that I am first in my life these days. Before I would have been all empathy for her and had none for me. I would have abandoned myself again. I told her very very firmly that she could not search through my stuff and to go away. She could go act out her anxiety somewhere else. All my life I've had target on me hey got a problem come to me, act it out all over me.
I have also realized I have cleaned up for the last time around these room mates. I am making a plan be and acting on it. I am not cutting my nose off but I am acting on it. I am taking care of me.
I have no idea what this room mate will do. There is no question he is seriously seriously depressed, suicidal even. The issue is that this is no longer my problem, its his problem. I have nothing to do with his depression (it started long long long before I even cast eyes on him). I am no longer willing to be acted out on. That is something I counted on as "given" all my life.
Dear one, I hear a lot of anger in your post, and rightly so. Boundaries have been over stepped and this causes anger. I'm concerned for your inner peace, so I did some readings on detachment out of our Courage to Change al-anon devotional. I kept reading over and over "detach with love" that is a hard concept to grasp when your madder than he** at the people you live with. One quote that made sense to me was "Love your neighbor, yet pull not down your hedge." We have to protect ourselves from the insanity of A and drug addiction, so we pull not down our hedge, we leave the boundary in place and try to understand that they are sick, miserable people and from the bottom of someplace we do not even know we have, we love, because our creator first loved us. This does not mean that we allow for one minute the A or addict to take advantage of us, but in order for us to not become bitter, angry people we "detach with love". It may take an extra prayer or two, to your HP to come to this place, but please don't let these sick, miserable people win and steal your serenity. Hold your boundaries, be firm, pleasant if you can and maybe that will take some of the heat off. If it doesn't just pray for them and I will pray for you.
