The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am just a bundle of nerves. I want to disappear. Spoke with my sponsor, a friend, and read some literature, and I can't stop crying. The fear overwhelms me. I know all the slogans, that faith needs to replace fear, odat, lean on God, but I just feel so alone. Can't make the connection. Not at all.
I am in the middle of all the negotiations for divorce. Hope is I can have the house and he can have our business and all the debt with it. Right now I am 1/2 owner, and with that 1/2 responsible for all the debt. It is new construction, just open a year. I won't even tell you how much I am on the hook for, as it is a mind-boggling number. The building/business was our dream, our retirement, and future for our kids. As part of my detachment, I completely removed myself from the business. I had no choice but to let go, but the problem is I took the lone rational mind with me, and I depend on the business to pay our mortgage. I got a new job and am working hard to support my 3 kids. No need to mention the housing market...
The problem with it all is this. My dry AH cannot manage a business, and has absolutely no financial sense. Great in his profession, horrible businessman. He has been making financial decisions around the business that will eventually have a huge impact on me (projection, yes, but pretty apparent). The latest was today when I found out he fired our bookkeeper of 14 yrs. He did this in the form of a letter and then left for a week's field trip with my daughter. Told her he wanted all the info up to date and transferred over by Oct. 1st. What a chicken. He said the books will now be done in-house by one of our employees and he will a have an accountant client set it up and look over things once a month. That poor accoutant, he has no idea what he is in for. Here is the deal... the new building, combined with my AH's scikness and recovery, and the economy, is a disaster.. The bookeeper is the one who truly has been keeping us afloat. The gal he wants to do it, told our bookkeeper she has no idea what to do, but she and my AH are confident that they will do a better job paying the bills. Monthly gross sounds like a lot. Heck, it is a lot, just not as much as what goes out. AH doesn't get it and has continually blamed the bookkeeper for financial stress. The employee is educated/trained to perform duties that make the business money and now will be devoting time to paperwork. Makes no sense. So, the bookkeeper will bring it all tomorrow. Employee said "ho hurry, and please do payroll for Friday", and bookeeper said "no, I need to comply with his wishes". Being that we were on our bookkeeper payroll service, it might get tricky. Don't know if AH is in phone contact. Should be interesting...
I know not to try to understand the "why" cause it truly is impossible. He must honestly think he is making good decisions, but then again, how can he possibly think that firing the bookkeeper during a payroll week he is gone be percieved as a "good"idea? He never consults with anyone, thus indicating he doesn't cause he knows he won't get the answer he wants. I am not reacting to him. Talked to my attorney and we will talk at our meeting that is scheduled next week. I'll be separating my personal bank info off business internet banking. Got bookkeeper to agree to come back on (if crisis deems such or AH gets his head out of his ***). And I will pray. That's all I can do. Our bookkeeper has done so much for him. There is a definate pattern, n that he only keeps people in his life that take care of him and enable him. This has been his employee pattern for years. His last main employee hid his drug use for six years. After rehab when she got tough, he let her go. He has no use for those that don't, myself included.
I know he is dry (he is randomly tested and healthy) but still so very sick. He still has the A g/f and made a comment that many of his employees are in recovery. Isolates self from the outside world and get counsel from crazy people. I had a daydream that while backpacking in the wilderness that God spoke to him and told him that HE is all he needs, to just surrender. I know the message is the same for me. SURRENDER and TRUST it will all be okay. Man, that is difficult!
Thanks for being here. Maybe I can sleep now.
Blessings, Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Well, our dry drunks are similar. Mine gets further and further away from me and who I knew him as. I did sit down with him as promised to talk about the divorce. He wants to be so heroic and give me this and pay off that. It is to ease his guilt and make himself look good to others.
My AHSober IS an accountant. I acquiesed to most decisions during our marriage because I thought he was the more knowledgeable. Well, most of it is all on paper. When it comes to practical matters he is so often way off. We build our lives together for over 30 years. We would be doing so well right now financially with the kids gone. We could live cheaply, sock it away, and retire well. It is almost like sabotage by him of our success. So now, I just take a closer look at my finances and try to figure where I am going with this life. I feel your pain. I too try not ask why it has come to this.
I have a friend who was in business with her husband (an A). They separated. He has the original business. She started her own in a whole new area and she is doing so well. In your post you talk alot about "him" but what come thru is what a business woman you are. Give yourself credit.
What an amazing job you've already accomplished in having a program of your own. Consulting with sponsor. Contacting your own attorney. Changing bills over seperating them from the business. Seeking and finding employment outside of his business. Taking care of your three children. Being mindful of your future. Finding courage to put into place divorce proceedings. Knowing your slogans, traditions and tools that are available to help you in all things. You already know it's a progressive disease, what I see you doing is detaching from the outcome...very commendable. Trusting now, giving it over in prayer and believing is all that is left to get that good nights rest. God doesn't bring us this far to drop us on our heads, he is ever present and loves you and cares for you and is aware of your confusion, anxious to have you find peace and serenity in your belief and understanding that a power greater then you is in charge. Good job, way to work your program, way to protect yourself and your children.
I know it feels really bad right now, but you sound really good. You are not in denile about any of it (even though you may want to be). You are being a responsible, sane adult. Your ex is still living in the Land of Goofey.
Go back and re-read your first few posts and see how far you have come. You know you are only going to keep growing. Impressive, Lou. Take a deep breath and have faith that these rotten feelings will pass. Even more quickly than they used to.
And in the meantime, get a script for a sleep aid if you need to. There is no shame in that either. It's taking care of yourself in every way possible.
Your first paragraph completely describes my feelings last week... as I roller-coaster my way through recovery.
I was so mad at HP that I didn't even go to a meeting last week. I was ranting and shaking my fist at HP because things are scary, things are hard.... and just plain sad, as the grief continues.
I eventually start looking for support from my group. Ultimately, I want to feel better. I finally get sick and tired of being sick and tired, the suffering hurts. As I listen to myself complain, I eventually recognize that once again my life is unmanageable... I begin to believe that a power greater than myself could and would restore me, if only He were sought. Who would guess that our suffering could serve as a great purpose?!
It's a roller-coaster ride. This week, I am ever so grateful that I have tools to help me to feel better. Nothing has changed except my attitude. The practice of meditation improves my conscious contact with God. Even when I'm at a low, I try to show up (twice each day) and just sit in deep stillness. Sometimes I feel the connection, sometimes I don't. I try not to judge it.
But we don't get there until we get there, not a moment sooner. My serenity is in direct proportion to my level of acceptance... and some days, I don't want to accept anything!!!
I agree, life is difficult, Lou. It helps me to know that we are walking together, I am grateful for the company.
-- Edited by glad lee at 19:39, 2008-10-01
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Lou, I have had some seriously horrible divorce stuff go down, too. I am so sorry, really. God, its so hard. So very hard. I am there with you walking along side sister. I no longer have words for the incredible fear and the flashbacks and how I want to hide and disappear, etc. too. I have no helpful things to say, just that I know and I care and I am so sorry that others have to go through this. I just found out I need to show up in court and it totally set me off. For several days. I am better now.
Sorry to hear about it.. It does appear like you are a very strong, financially sensible woman, & that you're likely to be able to create a good future with just you too!!
IMO you could start your biz too (maybe on the side, & maybe something requiring no start-up costs too?)... once things settle down a little...
Or even if he did try to dispute what you wish, you could demand full leadership over the business if you are to be involved at all? (& you could 'pull it out' if you were the boss?) Your lawyer would know more about this... Maybe someone from the small biz association or a similar biz consulting services, or 'women in business' association or similar could give you further advice? (I'm not from USA so I don't know exactly what kind of programmes exist over there, here there are quite some..)
In worst case - I've heard of someone here just 'staying broke' and having everything 'in someone else's name' (trusted people, relatives..) & he just 'couldn't pay' the debt... after several years it was 'written off'... It involved him officially 'unemployed', broke & moonlighting... I don't recommend it at all, but maybe as a 'last resort'? Not sure what it's like in your country, if something like this is possible?
not sure what all the ramifications of filing for bankruptcy are over there either... Maybe something else you could look up?
If you know 'worst case scenarios' & have some possible solutions/steps to take, maybe it'll help you sleep better? It usually helped me, & eased my mind...
