The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I found this site last night and I am very grateful for it. My A boyfriend of 2 years and I "broke up" almost two months ago. We own a house together, but he moved out and has since been living with his A friend. I have had several emotions about all of this. Obviously hurt, bc I love him and I feel like my future with him and what I wanted it to be is now gone or in question, at the very least, unless he gets healthy. He is the one who had to reason with me why it would be best for him to leave. I believe he loves me and does have my best interest at heart most of the time. The drinking changes all of that, though.
I saw him on Thursday and he was doing very well. Had been "dry" for three weeks and was talking about how this coming Friday would mark one month. He was very hopeful and talking reasonably and very program like and I was thrilled. I was beside myself on Friday and Saturday with the thought of him finally being on the right track. I honestly thought--this is it. He is going to do it and we'll be back together sooner than later.
Sunday I called him to tell him he could come over and do laundry. He called me back and said he was at a meeting. He said the meeting was just okay, but that he had gone to church before the meeting and that was good. He said he'd call me later if he was going to come over to do laundry. No call. So I called him. Nothing. Since we've been apart, we've agreed that we will not screen calls, so I thought he'd call back. He didn't. So I called again an hour later (now 9:00PM). Nothing. Now I was worried--and sure enough at 10:30 when I called AGAIN--he answered and I knew immediately that he had been drinking.
I called him out on it and of course, he told me he couldn't talk to me. Said it was unhealthy. I, of course, started to cry. He told me he was at his friend's and that he'd call me back in five minutes. He did call, but it sounded like he was out. He knew I was upset and told me to please not be upset bc he was not close to home. Then he told me where he really was--at the beach. Then he said he couldn't talk and he'd call me later. Well, he did, but that was three hours later, at 1:30 AM. Then he had a total attitude with me and hung up on me.
Monday I was a mess. Very hurt, angry, etc. He called me at 5:00PM and the conversation went like this: Me--"You have two minutes. Why are you calling me?" Him--"I want to apologize for last night." Me--"It's too late. You can't apologize. All I need from you now is money toward the mortgage each month." Him--"Okay. See you later." And then he hung up. And then I hung up, and cried some more. The tone I had was harsh. I didn't yell, but I was not pleasant to say the least. But what hurts is HIS tone! As if I should be totally accepting of his BS. And this is where I feel terrible guilt today.
I feel so guilty for being so cold. I want to call him today and apologize. Why do I feel so much guilt? Shouldn't he be the one to call and beg for my forgiveness? Did I react inappropriately? Any advice would be helpful bc I am losing my mind today.
My suggestion to you would be get yourself to a face to face meeting, get yourself a sponsor and work the steps. Yea, I know that may sound a bit cold (I don't mean it to be) but it's really the ONLY thing you can do that will benefit anyone and that anyone is you.
You will learn how to change your reactions to his actions and in the final analysis you will both be better for it. You didn't cause him to drink, you can't control his drinking and you can't change his drinking. The only thing you can do is work on you.
Keep coming back you will be glad you did In recovery Barb
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Hi there , first off hugs to you... I am a newbie here and well have not yet gotten into a face to face meeting yet, my husband went on a binge Sunday night and well didnt call, didnt answer and will not talk to me about it.. My husband is like your boyfriend giving attitude like I should be okay with all this, um no dont think so, you stay out all night, dont call, dont answer and dont even want to tell me where you were, and I am supposed to be okay with this... Isnt it funny how they make us feel guilty, like we were the ones doing something wrong. The only thing I ever did wrong was love him and enable him to keep up his destructive behavior.. No more.. I am in a position of where I cannot leave but just trying to cope with having to live with him. I applaude you for coming here and well sharing, I know it helps me alot, so I can just imagine what a face to face meeting will be like. hugs, Lori
I agree that there is no right or wrong. I have been one to look back at decisions and try to think of other ways that I could have handled them. Sure, there are some things I would have liked to have changed, but I stand by all of them no matter what. We all have choices and we all have to own up to them. Thats always my philosophy.
Thanks to all of the replies to my long winded post! It felt good to write it and then to hear the responses.
My bf spent countless nights out the last three months of our relationship. He was always at his friend's or his cousin's house. I know this bc I used to wake up in the middle of the night, try to call him, get no answer, and then drive to their houses to be sure his car and he were there. It's unbelievable how crazy and how wound up I would (and still can) get, and how he would react when the next day. I was never "allowed" to be angry. It got to the point where when I would start the lecturing, he would respond with, "I'm leaving, " and he did on a few occasions. Without the alcohol, he is an amazing, caring, loving, and intelligent person. With it, he is a completely different person. I do not miss those nights when I could not reach him or was up panicking about if and when he would come home. I pray for everyone who experiences that. It is one of the most hurt and horrific things to do to another person.
I went to a face to face meeting tonight and it was WONDERFUL!!! I feel so much better than I did all day--or since I told my bf that I will not accept his apology. I think that was the right thing for me to say. At this point he's apologized numerous times and continues his behavior. He can apologize to me when he is actually following the program and on the step that will make him see what he has done to me and to our relationship. I pray for him every day and for myself, and I do pray he is able to beat this disease and come back to us. But until then, I do not have to accept his behavior, attitudes, or weak apologies!
So sorry you are going thru all of this....one thing I learned was to let of the past. You can't change what you did or said...I have learned that it is better for me to let it go...turn it over to my HP....and I needed to forgive myself for what I did. Hope this helps you. your friend, rosie
"I went to a face to face meeting tonight and it was WONDERFUL!!! I feel so much better "
Keep going to meetings and the more you go the more you will learn. I always feel better being around folks who understand what we are going through. Some weeks I have gone 2,3,or 4 meetings even if I can.
Easy does it and keep coming back here to MIP too.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
(Hopeful123) This site is called Miracles In Progress, and you are one. You say you feel so much better. Well, the feeling has only just begun. (HUGS) RLC
Thanks for your share, I really can identify with how you feel. Dont beat yourself up about your response, you definatly are not 'cold' your response was from a person who had not been tucked up in bed asleep all night, you were worried and exhausted as most of us are when dealing with an A. You said what you said because that was how he made you feel. This really is the best place for you and the support and wisdom you find here will change your life, I know it saved mine.
Loving an alcoholic/addict isnt an easy task. So much they do and say don't make much sense.
Someone once told me that until the Alcoholic or Addict learns to love themself, they are not capable of loving another person. I have found this to be right on target. If they are emotionally unstable, they certainly can't bring positives into a relationship.
Try to get yourself to a F2F meeting. They really do help. Being surrounded by people that are dealing with similar situations may help shed some light on your own situation.
Dont beat yourself up. You cant go back and change what you said. You spoke your thoughts. An alcoholic more than likely wont go back and change things they've said, nor do they often even attempt to.
Unfortunately alcoholism is a lifelong desease whether they are sober or not. Yes some can live normal productive lives when sober. All too often though the disease comes out of 'remission' and you end up starting from day one.
These are just my thoughts. Take what you like... leave the rest.
Yours in recovery HeartBroken
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
To all who have replied (or are reading this for the first time!)...
This site has truly helped me over the past 24 hours and I will be back often! I wish I had known about it when all the craziness began; I would have been so much kinder to myself.
I still woke up with a question of doubt that I could have spoken to him longer and maybe, just maybe he would have had a real apology and told me what his plan for recovery was/is. But I am so tired of him apologizing and me accepting it. That was not working, so maybe my telling him that I won't accept the apology will actually make him feel for a change and even think about his actions. I hope he is, bc I have spent much time thinking about him!!!
Thank you for all of your replies and thoughts. It is so great to know that others "get it" and are there to listen when needed.
gosh this sounds like me with the ex. I had such abandonment issues. Detachment is such an art I have to say that (if you see my post today you'll know I am currently anything but detached). I don't think personally and this is only my ESH that there is anything "wrong" with being hurt, bewildered, confused, lost and really upset by an A's behavior. It is the norm really. How we deal with that hurt is a different matter. Sure I clung onto the A like he was some kind of liferaft (to hell actually but I digress as always) with my hopes, dreams and love all ripped up. I hung on and hung on and hung on. Then I started to learn some techniques like detaching. Detaching is such a good one to learn and it involves lots and lots and lots of action.
Wow does it require a lot of action!
I hope you will keep coming here. You are not by any means in the "wrong". You are absolutely in the right with feeling hurt. The issue is expressing that to an A who is acting out in any way (and they can still act out sober) is a lost cause. They can't seem to empathise they can't seem to be in relation-ship. They can't listen. So come here, we can listen, we can hear you (gosh did I ever want to be heard by the A I was with - did I never ever stop wanting him to hear me till I got here and really got the program in my bones).
By the way after my total re-action to the people who I am unfortunate to live with today I went back to my program (and a slice of delicious chocolate cake certainly didn't hurt!). We all fall down the issue is with al anon we get back up again after a while and we stop being totally immersed in misery and re-action.
You can do it.
One other suggestion I would have is please consider getting a copy of the book Getting them Sober - Canadian guy is kind enough to offer it free (the offer is at the top of the screen). I would highly recommend it. You will no longer be confused after reading it.
It is my opinion to indeed focus on living your life, maybe try to get a tennant for the house if you need some $$, especially if you have some extra rooms, at least one.. (but screen them thoroughly..) That's what a friend of mine is planning to do... She had an A bf & finally threw him out, & it was really tough at first... it took some time to get her life together.. but she's now dating a really great man & studying...
