The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
From the posts i have posted in the past two days, you all know my husband went off on a binge and well things are just not good with me now.. I took my wedding ring off, i cant wear it anymore, it is a symbol of love and there is none there right now, and he obviously doesnt treat me like an equal, his wife, so why wear it... I am also feeling very hurt that he spent our last 200.00 on his drinking.. I told him that was all we had left for the week, and went in his wallet today and he has 2.00 left thats it.. I cant say I am shocked but I am hurt, well I guess it hurts him more because he wont have gas money to go to work, but in the long run I hope it doesnt hurt me by him calling out sick then.. I also cannot shake this feeling I have like he cheated on me. I dont have any actual proof but have this weird feeling in me, I have never had before. I mean I cant stop thinking, where was he all night, on a Sunday in fact. Most bars where we live close by 12 am on a Sunday, ( we live in a small desert area ) , the ones that are open well those are REALLY REALLY bad bars with prostitutes, and well strippers. I dont know what to think, but not knowing is KILLING me.. How am i ever going to get over this with him. I know i say that every time he binges but I guess every time a little bit more gets chipped away at my heart. All day yesterday he laid in bed, doing nothing, sleeping off a hangover. He said maybe, 3 words to me. I think he is mad at me. and I know that is an addicts thing, to blame someone else, but I dont like how it is making me feel, like I did somethign wrong... You know if I was to do somethign like this, turn my phone off, come home drunk, cause and arugment tell him he has no right to ask me where i am, ( cuz thats what married people do supposdly ) then leave for the whole night and blow 200.00 well OMG i know he wouldnt stand for it. Well I am just really hurt and dont even know what to do anymore.. I am just going to try and go about my business and ignore him... I will be civil to him but I cannot let my guard down again and get close to him. He obvioulsy doesnt care for me or my feelings so why even bother trying to save my marriage at this point. I keep asking myself how do i treat this man now, how do i go about trying to live with him for the time being. I wish he would just be honest with me and tell me where he is going on his binges and what he is doing , especially that he blew threw 200.00. I know i am asking the impossiable, addicts lie, they steal and they cheat and well this I have come to know all to well. So lets see is he going to come to me and say he needs help like he always does just to get my hopes up and then go back to drinking or is he just going to act like nothing happened.... I am going to look up where to go to a meeting in my small little area and well gonna make that step to go...
Hope u find a meeting u need support , I too took my husb drinking personally , it's not about you at all he drinks period and nothing else matters . it doesnt take long to go thru 200 in a bar and would give no thought to the fact that there was no more money that is the disease not the man . u will learn to detach from his behavior * in other words love the man hate the disease* When he comes to you for help have an AA number for him to call , gently tell him he dosent have to live like this and walk away . alcoholics will promise anything say anything to get us off t hier backs our insanity is that we believe the lies over and over again thinking this time will be diff . and it is it's worse . Keep it simple to begin with do the opposite to what u have always done andit has to work out differently , I was told i had to learn when to speak up and when to shut up , seems I had it backwards . hehe . Lectures don't work shamming them dosen't work and threats don't work , your trying to solve a problem that has nothing to do with you anything u try is doomed to fail . this is his problem to fix leave it with him where it belongs . Learn to protect yourself so that your not left with no money again , take responsibility for your own happiness and get your life back on track Al-Anon will show u how to do that . Louise
Louise, thank you for your post and words of wisdom, I'm feeling a bit like you right now loretta and what louise said makes so much sense. I needed that. :)
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Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.
me to thanks so much Louise.. i really took to heart what he was doing and well I know I cant do that. I am just going to go about my business today like it was a day he was at work, but he is not.. thank god he goes back to work tomorrow, if he can manage to come up with gas for it... lol...
atta girl princess , he caused the problem he can fix it ,perhaps he has a friend who drives by that would be willing to pick him up ? and if it's not an inconvience for you to drive him to work it's okay to do so but not at your expence time wise or taking care of your own responsibilities at your job . Please find a meeting they will change your life for the better and often when we change so does the alcoholic , we can help just in a more positive way using the program mostly by minding our own business .Al-Anon makes no guarantees to save relaionships but it does promise to return sanity to our lives and that was good enough for me . Louise
You have the qualifications to be in this family and to be working the program of the Al-Anon Family Groups. Your post hit my pre-program feelings and thinking buttons perfectly and I was glad I am a member of this program because you hit my heart and not my head. "Compassion for" rather than "Anger at" are two very different solutions and responses. I pray you find that meeting and that you get into the rooms and your recovery journey as quickly as possible you will hear and learn what many of us heard and learned and which gave us our lives back...mind, body, spirit and emotions. I have never heard any member express a lack of gratitude for the changes and like Louise I have experienced them sharing their experiences, strength and hope with others so that others can regain a life worth living.
One thing I learned here is to kill my expectations that my alcoholic would be anything but while she chose to drink and participate in the life of the alcoholic. Lying, cheating, stealing, infidelity, abuse are all apart of the disease of alcoholism. I learned to accept it all and to remove myself from the possible negative consequences. No sex, separate accounts, no joint title of property house, car or what ever. No taking responsibility at all for her agreements with others. This was more than college. I got more than a degree. I got my life back. Learning to love her included learning to love myself as I loved her and to love others that way also. I couldn't rescue someone who didn't think they were in danger.
Suggestions is what we learn to listen for and follow up on. Some of the suggestions that I heard and followed up on that worked for me were these. Go to as many meetings as I could find in the next 90 days before assessing if Al-Anon was for me or not. Get and read as much literature as I could on the subject of alcoholism. (I took that one beyond the literature in meetings and found my way into college on the subject also.) Learn the steps, traditions and slogans and practice them early. Get a sponsor and ask that person to please help you learn. Also of primary importance...find and use a Higher Power "of your understanding" who you could assign your life to on a daily basis one who could replace the alcoholic that I had come to idolize and focus my entire effort and energy on. Then practice, practice, practice what I have learned. This program can and will save your spirit and life if you permit it and participate.
I wish you well and can see that the desert can relieve you of alot of disruptions a more populated area has. I could hear my HP's voice a whole lot better in a desert than I can my neighborhood. I get to focus more.
it would be a huge inconvience to take him, he leaves at 4 am and works 60 mins away. no way am I going to give up my sleep for him right now... uh huh, he can deal with the problem he made himself...
and i made up my mind I am going to a meeting tomrrow, for sure at 1pm do you know if the online listings are acurrate. I dont want to drive and it not be there.
Jerry thanks so much for the great words. I am so excited to start my program, a little scared to but think i will get over that. My therapist today recommended a good book for me called co-dependant no more, have you heard of it, and well is it any good. I am proud of myself, i did nothing with hubby today, went about my business as usual .. doing for me... I am so happy I found these boards, sometimes it just helps to see other people are going through the same things, feeling the same thoughts and well how others are coping. Thanks, Lori
Lori, I've read that book and it was helpful in understanding my role in my relationships as an enabler. For Alanon meetings though, they stick to the AFG approved materials. I do recommend getting a few of the Al-anon books ("Hope for Today", "Courage to Change", "One Day At A Time in Al-anon", to name a few). They are great daily readings. They're inexpensive brand new but even cheaper if you can find them at used book stores.
You should call the Al-anon hotline number in your area to make sure the meeting dates/times are accurate. It's so worth it. *hug*
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"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self." -Aristotle
I dunno that alcoholics can be honest. The A who I was with lied on top of his lies. He was a pretty good and convincing liar. I am at a place where I no longer speak to him because I don't want to deal with him anymore. Can't say I got to that overnight though.
You are absolutely in the right place being here. I recently re-read Codependent no more (we can't really endorse it here because this is al anon and it isn't approved literature). I have to say in my own ESH I read widely. All the books help, they all give us a clue about ourselves.
I'm so glad I am no longer over involved with an A. I can be over involved in a minute, talk about any time really. We all can. You will find a home here.
