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Hi, I am new to this and am looking for advise. My mother has been an alcoholic for the past 15 years, approximatly. Every time we've confronted her in the past she would deny the problem. She has FINALLY admitted she had a problem and begun her path to sobriety. We are so proud of her for taking this big step. Some of our family is concerned she has not completly quit drinking, and she still gets "the shakes" (She quit cold turky about 6 weeks ago). Because of her addiction, I believe she has developed alcoholic dementia. It is difficult to keep my patience when she repeats herself time and time again and has difficulty following the conversation. What can I do to help her stay off the alcohol and continue recovery? What are signs she is back to using? Unfortunately, I do not live near her and have to depend on the information she gives me rather than see her first hand, however, I do speak with her daily on the phone. Any long distance advise... ???
Whether she completely stops drinking or not is entirely up to her. I know this desease is heartbreaking and very difficult for everyone involved. I think how long withdrawals last it different for everyone. My bf didn't have physical withdrawals, the ones I noticed, for more than probably two weeks.
I have never heard of alcoholic dementia. I do know that the A's entire body needs to heal including the brain, and maybe that's what's going on temporarily. There is nothing you can do to keep her away from alcohol. It's only her decision. I learned that the hard way. I try to work my program here in alanon to take care of myself, which in turn will be better for the relationship (my bf quit almost 6 months ago).
In Alanon we don't give advise, we only share our experiences, strenghth, and hope. I'm sure if you give this board a chance, you will learn a lot about the desease with the help of all the great people here.
You seem to have already started to help yourself. Most important and most effective. You seem to have done some investigation....Alcohol dementia is a real fact of alcoholism or addiction. Some times it is termed "wet brain" if it is from the alcohol. Other times the dementia could be from aging or some other source. Alcohol demetia is real. Alcoholism is described as a fatal disease. If the alcoholic continues to drink in spite of the negative physical, emotional and mental consequences...they will die. That is one of my expectations should my alcoholics not find sobriety and still I know of some alcoholics who died as a result of the permanent injuries far after they stopped and were active in AA. This is a fatal disease and sobriety does not mean stopping drinking alone. Since it is described as a "compulsion of the mind and an alergy of the body" both have to heal in order for real sobriety to occur; (my humble experience supported by my college experience.)
With whatever is going on in your Mom's life...drinking or not, Al-Anon asks the question, "How are you being affected?" and "would you like to change that?"
What can you do to get her off and help her stay off of alcohol? Nothing if she decides to continue to drink. I have tried many if not more than the wrong solutions to get my exspouse off of drinking or to "drink right". None NONE of them worked and some made her drink more. One of the things I learned in Al-Anon helped me and helped her. I learned I didn't cause it, I couldn't control it, and I couldn't cure it. That is called the 3 C's and from my experience it is also called the truth with more reasons to stop doing what I was doing rather than trying to find more solutions for a person who didn't accept the nature of the problem. I went crazy trying.
Trying to rationalize with a person with dementia in itself is impossible. There are professionals who she should be in the care of. They are the ones with the real solutions and experience. It might not be alcohol dementia. It might be aging or organic or elsewise. Turn her over to the professionals and the whole outcome over to your Higher Power...however you believe that Higher Power to be.
Some of the signs that she is continuing to drink may be so obvious and yet impossible to see. For me I had to drop my expectations and hope for my alcoholic to be able to see the return of the insanity in her thinking, feelings, thoughts and behaviours. When my alcoholic relapsed I knew it because the whole alcoholic was infront of me. I didn't ask her if she was drinking again I told her she was drinking again and I was correct. I left it at that and left her to doing what she was inclined to do best for herself. To her that was to drink again without trying to hide her disease from me or to fear that I would do something crazy because of it. We both knew and we had different solutions to the problem. Mine saved my sanity and life and in a real way hers also. I got out of her problem entirely and learned the real way of loving her and myself and others.
I have known alcoholics who have quit "cold turkey". Not a lot of them have survived either returning to drinking and then dying or not drinking and still having the life problems they had only without the alcohol. They lost most of everything anyway. Those I know of who have been most successful, returning to a life that they would not want to surrender for anything or any drink, have gotten and stayed sober with another person who has gone thru what they are going thru and who have made miraculous changes with the help of other recovering alcoholics. Simply...learning how to get and stay sober from and with the help of other sober alcoholics really does work best. It is why so many in the medical and counseling fields and the judicial system recommend their clients into the program of AA. You can only recommend it if she is not there yet. You can tell her that "you have heard from others..." or that "You have read and learned from other sources that..." and then let it go hoping that the dementia hasn't erased the communication. In the end you will still have to hang up the phone and turn her over to your Higher Power.
For you I would suggest calling the local hotline for Al-Anon and asking for the meeting places and times in your local area. Those who are highly affected by the disease of alcoholism also need information, support and the experiences of others in order to move from insane to serenity.
I suggest you try it. It works...if you work it. Keep coming back!!
Thank you to those who have replied to my post. I has been helpful for me to read your responses. I hope that by me calling her each day and encouraging her to stay alcohol free will help her to continue. The fact that she has shared this information with me is a big step in the right direction. My entire life she has denied that she has had a drinking problem, so in that aspect I am happy. I do expect her to hide it from if she slips up, I just wish I felt like I could trust her to be honest with me. I am going to recomend the AA program to her, I am only afraid she will become defensive and refuse. I imagine it is intimidating to walk into a room of strangers expecting to tell your story - I think I will try to find a meeting and I'll just have to drive the hours to go to it with her. If I can get her to one - I hope she will continue to go on her own. My research on Alcolhol Dementia has shown that it is possible for improvement if the damage is not too severe. If anyone has more information on Alcohol Dementia specifically - I would like a link to the site. The information I have found has been limited. I have already called the Alzheimers hotline and feel that Alcohol Dementia may be more of a fit. The only advice Alzheimers hotline provided is that I go with her to a doctors appointment. At this point it is difficult for me to take time off work, schedule an appointment and coordinate with her schedule without her knowing I think she is losing her mind.
Thanks again to those out there sharing their experiences and offering support.
I don't know much about Alcohol Dementia (only that it exists) but I would suggest your Mom take a test for Lyme disease (if she hasn't already) - I saw the movie Under Our Skin, & apparently sometimes Dementia can be caused by Lyme disease (if it's in a late stage, it can affect the brain too).. Lyme can also cause all sorts of neurological symptoms, including mental-health problems like eg 'depression' or such... (that is sometimes 'self-medicated' by alcohol..)
You Mom accepting & admitting an alcohol problem is huuge... very good!! Hope both you & she find a way to go to meetings soon... Maybe your or her local doctor could have some advice too? My Uncle goes to meetings that are held in the health center, I think he learnt about them from his doctor...
