The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sometimes it is hard to know where to begin..... I lost my first husband, my soulmate....in 2001. He was chronically ill for more than 25 yrs.He was a wonderful husband and father of 4 children. After his sudden death, I was in shock for many months. While I too am chronically ill,the thought of someone wanting to date me was unthinkable. But it happened. I was flattered of course. Now I know that he worked on my illness to get me to pay attention to him. He hid his drinking from me, until AFTER we were married. Sure, if we were out, he might have a beer with a meal, but that was it. I also seen him have "a" beer once in awhile if we were in the company of friends (my friends...I later learned this man has only ONE friend period. I am serious ). He has driven my friends away...my children...my family. Not with his drinking, but with his attitude . The drinking started AFTER we married in 2005. When he would have the week-ends off..he would drink. 6-10 beers per day. NOW..let's go back a bit. I told him when we first started DATING that I came frorm a ALCHOLiC home,and if he was a drinker...it wasn't going to happen. He assured me he wasn't. Now, 3 years later, he drinks 15-20 PER DAY. He lost his job, and at 59 yrs old, keeps telling me that no one will hire him because he is too old.... He thinks he is an old "man" Right after we married, he also informed me ( I was almost 50 ) that women at 50 didn't have relations...I thought he was joking. HE wasn't He hasn't touched me in 2 and a half years. He constantly cirtizes me....tells me when I do something wrong. I came from a marriage ( my first marriage ) were I was put on a pedestal, and did everything RIGHT....now I feel useless and hopeless. He isn't abusive. He has had 3 other failed marriages. One I didn't know about until after we married....another thing, he is a hibutial liar. He will lie about anything. I need help here. Thanks for letting me vent.
I am glad you have found this place to begin to tell your story and to find the support you need.
As a woman in her sixties, I have had a couple friends who have been where you are. Neither of them were dealing with alcohol, but they did have terrible financial problems with men who were just after their assets. They both encountered lots of alienation and interventions from their children. One divorced; the other one passed away before she could undo her marriage, so that guy benefitted from the marriage. Both of these friends had been widowed and had wonderful marriages with their first husbands. In trying to regain that happiness and giving trust to someone they didn't know well enough, both got into problems.
You sound like an intelligent woman. You willl know eventually what you can and cannot tolerate. At your age you deserve more years of peace and happiness. At your husband's age and in the situation, it is hard to imagine that he will do much changing. Good luck....make a plan....keep coming here....find Al-Anon meetings in your area. You can and will work it out!!!
welcome to MIP. I found this place about 2 months ago and am very grateful. My bf has been sober for 6 months now, but I do remember those 15 - 20 beers a day well. A's make a lot of excuses why they can't do something they should or we ask them to do. It's all about the alcohol, that's all they think about.
He said 'women at 50 didn't have relations'. Everyone is different. Just because one person does something a certain way or whatever doesn't mean everyone else does the same. I'm also having issues with intimacy. He has no desire to be intimate, at least not more than once a month lately.
I know I am entitled to my needs and have them met and I haven't figured out how to talk to him about it without him getting defensive or upset. Anyway, we all deserve to have our needs met, and being with an A can be difficult. I know from my experience, the lying and criticizing comes with the territory.
I hope you keep coming back to share and read other's posts. I'm glad you're here.
Sounds like you are in the right place. One of our very very generous members is offering a book, a great book to start with called "Getting them sober". The book is available free - he'll send it to you. click on that link and think about getting it. This is absolutely the right place to be.
You will learn a lot in alanon. Welcome home. I have been here a few years now and this is very much my home. I have learned so much, become a completely different person (for the good) and am happy now in ways I did not know possible.
